Back in 2010, I believed that bad roommates and losing 30 pounds from living through it would define me forever. I thought that "letting go" meant forgiving all the people who hurt me, disappointed me, and betrayed me. I wanted to find happiness and find myself. I am full of contradictions, ups and downs, and failed attempts. I think I am cured when I don't have panic attacks for an extended period, only to realize it's a lie when they hit again. I feel strong and weak, happy and sad, loved and alone all at the same time. Living with anxiety is is an ongoing, ever-changing journey.
I am an idealist. I always believe in the best. I think everything will just work out because it's "supposed" to. I know that good things are supposed to happen to good people, so I try to be one of those good people. I am a hard worker and a kind person, and I believe I am meant to be happy. When things get hard for me or life throws me a curve ball, I panic. I simply do not know how to process the stress or work through the change. My mind says one thing, but my body responds differently.
I wish I could put into words what it is like to live with anxiety. I wish I could explain how much I hate it and how horrible it makes me feel about myself. It's like I have an inherent deficiency. I am physically not able to control my fear. It is so hard to be scared all the time. I'm scared of bad things happening around me or to me. I'm scared to express my fears because I know how silly and obsessive they sound to others. I'm scared that I will add to the stigma that surrounds mental illness. I try so hard to hold onto the times that I overcome my anxiety and show others that success is possible. I travel often, I have many friends, and I have a wonderful career. In all honesty, I am successful. I have not allowed anxiety to stop me. Even when it hits, I do not give up. I am a living example that living with anxiety is possible. Still, I find that I get discouraged when I am faced with these feelings of fear. I want so much more for myself and my life.
Sometimes I feel so alone in this battle... I want someone to come along and take my anxiety and panic attacks away from me. I want to be "normal."
