After talking with my mom, I've realized that it hurts me more when people try to relate to my battles. It's not that I don't want people to be on my side, I do! It's just that most people do not know what it is like to have anxiety. Here's what I mean... Everyone gets anxious. It's normal. We all feel that nervous excited feeling right before something big is about to happen. Even I know that feeling.
The problem is people know what it is like to get anxious, but that they have no idea what it is like to have anxiety. I believe there is a huge difference here.
Anxiety is crippling. The uncontrollable feeling that your life is crumbling to pieces. Heart racing. Eyes watering. Body shaking. No matter how many times you reassure yourself that everything is okay, the feelings don't stop. This is not a nervous-excited feeling. No, it is a world-ending feeling. Sometimes I think I am literally having a heart attack! Usually I end up calling someone and letting them know that I'm having a panic attack, just in case things don't end well. The truth is when you try to understand me, you are actually reminding me that this is something I am facing alone. Something that unless you've been there, had it happen, you have no idea what it is like.
Today feels like it's going to be one of those days... I've just been kinda jittery. I'm worrying about things that I'm not sure I have any control over. I want to focus on being happy, but instead I find myself a little trapped. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything. I don't really feel much like eating or talking. I know that doing nothing is the worst thing that I can do. Yet, I don't really seem to care. This is just a day that feels like it will be too much. It might be the added stress of the ending semester, or the thought that it is time to grow up. Maybe it is a realization that the life I want for myself could potentially not work out. Somewhere along the way, I lost sight of who I want to become. I'm worrying about finding my way back. I'm worrying about holding on to all the people who are important to me in the process. I'm worrying about having so much of my life change so quickly. Today, I am worrying.
Yet, the only thing I want is for people to love me. I don't want to be understood. I don't want to validated. I don't want to be reminded that others struggle, too. I just wanted to be loved. However, I am scared that might be too much to ask...
