A Rather Down kind of Day

I suppose it is normal to wake up and feel off. I suppose every once in a while I am going to have a sad sort of day. I suppose it is okay. Yet, I wonder what it is that caused me to wake up feeling anxious. I woke up strangely early considering I have nothing to do today and I am still incredibly tired. My heart is beating a little too hard and my hands will not stop shaking. I have this weird need to not be alone, but I seriously do not want to talk. I would just like someone to sit next to me, be with me through this. It's been a fairly long time (at least compared to how often I used to be anxious) since the last time I was anxious enough to have it interfere with my day. It feels like a huge setback. I just want to get over this ridiculous anxiety problem that I have, but no matter how hard I work, it creeps back into my life.

So, as I sit here I am wondering, "What will help me to feel better? How can I move past this?" Sometimes, I worry that I require more love and support than people are prepared to give. It is the worst feeling having to ask someone to come sit with me or to go for a walk with me. I get worried that I am going to run out of favors and people will finally start telling me "no." So instead, I plan to hide and wait for the anxiety to pass me by.

A Step in the Right Direction

Recently, I cannot help but think about how little time I have left in college. Of course, this is very exciting to me, and surprisingly, it is very sad. I always thought that after the struggles I faced here, I would be so quick to grab my degree and hit the road. Instead I am finding that I want to try just about anything before I leave.

So, this semester, I am dedicating my time to trying new things. I signed up for a hip-hop class. I am terrible, super awkward, and having a blast! I don't think that I will ever be good at this type of dancing, but I am learning a lot about myself in the process. I think this class is really pushing me out of my comfort zone. It is making me embarrass myself and be okay with it. I am learning to move a little more purposefully, and I am making new friends. Even though I am probably never going to use this skill later in life, it is kind of neat to say that I have it.

Yet, this is not the only new skill that I am attempting to learn this semester. I am also taking a painting class. If I am bad at hip-hop, my painting skills are somewhere in the negative number range. There is nothing quite as sad looking as my art. Still, I love it! Painting is so relaxing. It allows me to escape from the every day pressures of life. It is something that I can see myself continuing with as I get older. With any luck, I will get better and actually be able to paint something amazing. I would love to give my art as gifts, just not any time soon!

I want to look back at school and say, "Well, it was an experience!" I finally feel like I am enjoying school. It took long enough, but I am glad that I've made it to this point.

My Worst (and best) Trait

For as long as I can remember, people have been telling me that I wear my heart on my sleeve. At first, I disagreed. I liked to think that my heart was buried so far down that nothing could hurt me. I used to believe that I was tough, I had a rock-hard exterior, and I didn't let anyone in far enough to break me. See, whenever I heard that expression, it was never meant as a good thing. It was like telling someone, "you are too emotional." Or, "you should really stop caring what others think so much."

So, as I got older, I came to realize that I do indeed wear my heart on my sleeve. When you say something mean to me, it hurts. And that pain is clearly written across my face. I guess in some ways this does make me too emotional. Because yes, I overreact sometimes and I cry a lot more than most people. I might even try to hurt you back if you succeeded at hurting me bad enough. I am not always great at control how I feel. I definitely take things personally. My mom tells me that I'm sensitive, but realistically, I am just wearing my heart on my sleeve.

BUT-- you want to know what? I'm okay with it. Being upfront with how I feel as allowed to live more completely. When I am hurt, you know it. When I am happy, you know it. And when I love you, that's right... you know it! I don't mind all my crazy up and down emotions. In fact, I kind of like them. I do not want to go through life without experiencing it. I have no intention of being numb to the world. I want to feel, learn, and grow. I know that because my heart is on my sleeve, it is more likely to be broken. Yet, it is also more likely to be filled with love. While getting hurt is a horrible feeling, we can only find happiness if we are truly willing to put ourselves out there.

Challenge Yourself

Finally, I am almost done with college. I am in my final semester of school and so close to being an adult. It is a great feeling. I love that I have come this far. Yet, I realize that I am about to leave this very cool city forever. Something about that idea kind of scares me, like I am no longer a child. So, I have decided that I am going to work on doing new things and enjoying myself at school. 

Obviously, this is going to be a little bit more difficult for me than it is for most people, but I am not going to give up. For the first time this whole semester, I am making weekend plans, going out, seeing new people, trying new restaurants, and attending different events on campus. For the first time in a long time, I am actually kind of excited to see what school has to offer me. 

Last night, I went to the bar to visit an old friend. He graduated two years ago and I rarely get to see him, especially because I am hardly ever here on weekends. This time I was around and got to spend the evening catching up. Tonight, I am going to a friend's house for a party. This is not exactly the weekend I am used to, but it seems like it will be worth giving it a shot. 

Now, I might not be the best at this whole "college-kid thing" but I am figuring out ways to step out of my comfort zone and enjoy the time I have left. If it comes down to it, I want to be sure that I did everything I could to start liking school. I don't want to look back and realize that I missed out. This semester is all about challenging myself and pushing myself to enjoy every minute that I have left here at school. Something about taking control of my life feels very empowering. I am finally ready to take control of my own happiness. 

Keep Going and Keep Improving

Long after your energy runs out, long after your heart breaks, long after your eyes burn, you must keep going. Life is not always easy, and it is hardly ever fair. If I have learned anything recently, this is it.

So here's to the people that never give up. Here's to the ones that work until they can't see straight anymore. Here's to the friends that have continued loving long after it stopped being deserved.
Yes, here is to a new year and a new start! Here is to being the person you've always wanted to be.

It seems that I go through phases of writing a lot and then not writing for a while. I switch between happy and unhappy so quickly that sometimes it's even hard for me to keep up. Yet, I believe that is important to set goals and work on being a better person. This year I want to work on loving myself for who I am and becoming the person I am meant to be.
Now, I don't know exactly what this goal means. Obviously, I want to learn to be happy and enjoy where I am. I want to stop worrying so much. I want to laugh when things are funny and cry when they are sad. I want to spend time with the people I love. Mostly, I want to find out what it is that I was made to do. I know that there is more to life than I have been allowing myself to live. This year I hope to focus on happiness. Finding it, creating it, and sharing it with others.

I believe that life is what we make it. I continue to grow stronger every day, and I am so proud of how far I have come. It is only a matter of time before I am back to my old self. Happy New Year!