Where I've Been & Where I'm Going.

I don't know if I just have the "back to school blues" or if I am burnt out altogether. Or, maybe I am just really tired. Regardless, I feel nothing. I literally don't want to do a single thing. I got back from class and I would actually rather play with the split ends in my hair than do anything else. I thought about watching TV but that means using my brain to pay attention to the show, which is far too much effort. Then I considered taking a shower, but I need to take one in the morning anyway so it seems silly to do it now also.

As I sit here, I consider my progress. I've come a long way since this time last year. I am a much more put together person and I can finally appreciate the story I have to tell.  Although I don't tell my story often anymore, I pull it out when someone needs to hear about how even the worst of times can turn back around. It feels really great to inspire someone else in the same way that my friends and family inspired me. I know that I could not have made it without them. It's a lesson I never wanted to learn, but needed to know. I am a strong person. I always have been, but before last year, I couldn't admit it when I needed help. Now I realize that true strength means admitting that you cannot always do it alone. So, at the risk of holding on to this Thanksgiving holiday just a little too long, I want to say "Thank you" to all the people who pulled me back up when I was drowning in my messy life. You have a special place in my heart.
College has been an uphill battle for me, and it will be one that I continue to fight until the day I finally graduate. I've had small victories along the way. I've made a few great friends and taken a couple neat classes. My days are spent running around an artsy city that is filled with interestingly unique people. Yet, the war continues for me. It's odd, really. Even now, when nothing seems to be standing in my way, I have to remind myself of my purpose. Maybe that's what last year stole from me... my purpose. I know what I hope to do one day but I don't know how to get there. So, I constantly remind myself that the first step is graduation. When I finally get my degree, I am going to hang it on my wall, walk by it every day and say, "HA! You didn't beat me. I won!" And, I am going to remember that out of every bad experience comes something great. I am going to remember that with the help of the people who love me, I made something of myself. I am bigger and stronger than one bad year. Yet, for this small second of my life, I am going to play with my hair, sit quietly, and remember... where I have been and where I have left to go.

It's a long way down... And even longer way back up.

Ever have one of those days where you just don't want to get out of bed? That's how I'm feeling. For the first time since I arrived at college two and a half years ago, I slept through a class. Don't get me wrong, I've skipped class before. But, I was actually making the choice to skip. Today, I just didn't wake up. Now, I'd like to think that this was because my body was telling me, "Hey Lady, slow down!" I am too stressed out. School is out of control, my personal life is messy, I never give myself "me-time." I don't know how to put it all back together. Even the people that I care about seem to be let down by me. My greatest friend is no longer happy with me. He doesn't seem to worry about me anymore.  I don't know if I'm just in a funk or if I'm still broken. I would give anything to be better and the second I feel like I'm about to take the final step, something comes along to knock me down again.

So what do I do? I thrown myself into helping a friend who is going through a year similar to my previous one. For just that second, I feel good about myself. I'm doing something. I have no idea if I am actually making a difference, but just being strong enough to worry about someone else feels like an accomplishment. And while helping this friend is helping me, I am worried that maybe I'm not doing him any favors. I can't imagine that advice from the girl who doesn't get out of bed sometimes is actually good advice. But maybe that's not the point? Maybe it's about having fun and getting our problems out there. Maybe it's about making a friend and finding ourselves along the way...

--->Two Worlds Collide<---

So here I am. I'm only weeks away from Thanksgiving. I want nothing more than to spend a few days at home. I want to stay in bed all day and watch Law and Order: SVU reruns with my mom. I want to go home to enjoy a few days of being a kid. Then, I realize I am halfway done with this school year. There are about 5 months left of junior year. Suddenly, I am even more sad.
It's weird. I never thought I would be sad about college flying by, but I am. I have just started to enjoy myself here and I know I complain way more than necessary about being stressed, but I am happy. All my time is devoted to school. I run around like a crazy person, complaining about things that will never matter in the long run. Yet, my friends make me laugh again; it's something I haven't done for a long time. My smile is finally back in its place and I like it that way.
So, I think of graduation. Naturally, I am not good at change. I like the big things in life to stay the same. Sometimes, I pretend that I'm awesome at embracing the unexpected, but I'm not. I can only embrace it if I know I it's coming... which, basically defeats the whole concept of being spontaneous and taking on something new. The little things can keep changing. My day can always be different. I see different people. I do different things. That does not mean my life has actually changed. Yet, I am happy with it. I'm content living in a slightly predictable environment.
I have a year and a half in this place, but I'm constantly thinking about the job I am going to get, the place I am going to move, and the life I am going to create. It's a great life in theory, but I like my life now. While I want to move on, I also want to stay here. I feel like I am a year behind in the college experience process since I let last year pass me by. Right now, I feel like I have so much to do here, and not enough time to do it. For just this minute, I am stuck in the middle of two worlds.