A Letter of Request: The (not so) Friendly Reminder

To Whom It May Concern,

Not so long ago, I wrote you a quick little ditty to ask that you treat me with respect. You have failed. I will not try to speak for you in this matter. However, it has come to my attention that perhaps you think we are actually friends. In case previously unaware, you do not treat a friend in such a demeaning fashion.  It is a sure-fire way to lose someone's respect. Dominating over me and cutting me down every time i speak does not place you above me. I will continue to stand tall because honestly, you will never have enough power over me to knock me down.  I am a lot stronger than I look and I have no problem defending myself.

Throughout the course of our time together, you have proven to several people that you will surmount to a miserable teacher, at best. Rolling your eyes when your colleagues speak shows that you are incapable of following even the basic rules of human decency. No student would ever feel comfortable approaching you for help, which means your facial expressions are interfering with the success of a child.  I truly hope you can live with that. I will not continue to list your shortcomings; I don't have enough time. As mentioned in my last letter, I am willing you show you where you stand in the world. With all due respect, take your over-critical opinions and shove them.

Sincerely,
Pissed Off

Today, I learned....

I am so much stronger than you give me credit.

 

      I deserve to be happy and loved. So I will be.

I don't need a million friends. A few great ones are more than enough.

I will put my life back together, but it will be even better than before.

I don't need to worry. I'll be fine on my own.

Confession: I lie.

Think back. Do you ever remember the bad days in your life? I don't, not really at least. I remember being sad at a death or that i felt hopeless during my poor living situations. Yet, I cannot recall every detail in the same way that I can when I'm telling a story about "the most fun I've ever had." Maybe we just block out the bad, choose not to remember. Or, maybe in the grand scheme of life, it doesn't really matter. We don't cherish the bad things quite the same way we do when something is good. I think we have this lie that we all tell ourselves: It's a learning experience and I'm a better person for having lived through it. This way, suddenly, a bad situation somehow turns into something positive. We all know it's not true, but we do it anyway. I'm a worse person, actually. I'm angry and bitter. I'm selfish now. And I am just plain exhausted from holding it together day after day. Yet, I lie to myself all the time: One day, I will make the biggest difference for someone else; I'll share my story and save them with all the things I've learned.

See, I'm trying to decide what it is those awful girls did to me that made so afraid of the world. I'm trying to figure out how it is that I lost myself in the way I did. Some days, I look in the mirror and I'm actually not sure who is looking back.  Then, I remember that if i close my eyes, I can pretend it never happened. That might be a good sign, like I'm finally starting to let the past slip away silently.  I might be growing beyond this experience (or I might be lying to myself).

When I look back, I wonder how my story will change. The experience was horrible and words cannot do it justice. Still, I will tell my story. Bits and pieces will be forgotten, altered, or exaggerated. Though, not in the same way a "good" story changes. There is something different about how we remember hard experiences. Whether it's too hard for us or we want the added support, I don't know. What I do know is that my story will change. It will become a part of me, influence the way I see the people around me, and shift the way I give advice. I suppose only time will tell what that advice will be like: happy and hopeful, conflicted, dark and guarded, or indifferent.

I was once told by a close friend that what she liked most about me was how I could "hold it together." But, have I actually done that? Or is this blog sheer evidence of my falling apart? Maybe we all fall apart after we are devastated by the world. Maybe we really are only as strong as the friends who support us. Maybe not.

I choose to believe that we force ourselves through the bad things because we know that better times are coming. People love us way too much to let them down with our needless suffering. Then again, maybe these are just more of the lies that help make the struggles worthwhile.

Broken Smile

Silence. Tears stream down my face. Tiny little rivers.  There's no real reason. I've been angry at the world all weekend. And finally, the dam breaks. I can't help but wonder what set me off. If I close my eyes, I can see the bitter-sweet conversations I've had with friends... promising them that their hard times will get better. It's really amazing the number of people who have come asking for help after watching my world crumble down.  I love being encouraging. I love helping people. But, I have to question, where are my better times? When will my smile come back to my face? When is it that I'll be sad and someone will run to hug me?

I am a very lucky girl. I have the world in the palm of my hand, but I don't know how to use it. I can't seem to make it work in my favor. I go for a couple weeks doing great, but then, a frickin' piano falls out of the sky (you know, the kind from cartoons), and it lands right on my head... It just hits me. The tears poor down like rain, as I look around at the lovely mess I will soon be cleaning up. So, here I am: cleaning up my mascara-stained face and straightening out my smile.

A Letter of Request

To Whom It May Concern,
It has come to my attention that you think you are entitled to the world. I feel that, as your colleague, I am required to tell you that the world is not yours. Please do not dictate to me which emails I should send or how to send them. We are equal. You could easily save time by sending them yourself if you are so sure you know exactly how they should be written anyway. Don't decide that I should only be used as your assistant to motivate you or do the tedious tasks. We are sharing a space and we are required to work together. This does not mean that you should tell me what I am supposed to do. I will not be checking in with you to make sure that you have completed all your work on time. I will not be sending your emails for you. (Don't bother to ask me to do your laundry or cook your dinner, I will say no.) 

I have worked far too hard in my lifetime to be pulled down by your superiority complex. I have built myself back up from nothing; don't talk down to me, I've overcome far harder situations than you could ever put me in. Should you continue to step on my toes and disregard my feelings, I will kindly remind you of your place in the world. Our world. For I have far more life-experience than most 20-something year olds, and I am not afraid to defend my abilities (which are much more than sending your emails, and monitoring your productivity levels).

Sincerely,
An Educated Woman

A New Year and A New Outlook

New Years. I think it is a silly holiday. Let's all jump around because this one night a year is when staying up until midnight is a big deal. Yet, suddenly, the most important thing is that you drink so much, you actually don't remember the night anyway. Then you hug everyone you see, for I don't know what reason and continue celebrating. And we watch the final page fall of the calendar as if we've never seen anything like it. Don't get me wrong, I like celebrating New Years just as much as the next person, but it's funny to me.

For me, the celebration wasn't typical. Yes, I was in a room with a bunch of friends. And, yes, I watched the ball drop. But, I wasn't celebrating the beginning of 2011. I wasn't making promises of what is going to happen in the year to come. I wasn't thinking about getting in shape or doing better in school, or even just being a nicer person. I was saying goodbye to 2010. I was putting my problems behind me. I was watching the minutes drip away until every last second of my hardest year was finally in the past. This day is about kissing yesterday goodbye and turning to smile at tomorrow.

I'd like to personally blame New Years for my weird mood. How is it that for so long I wanted to move forward and now that life is finally catching up with me, I feel like stopping to look around? I'm not sad to see 2010 go. But for an entire year, the depression, anxiety, panic attacks, tears, weight-loss, mood-swings, and complete loss of self is what defined me... I set out on this journey of self-discovery 4 months ago, and I am only now beginning to scratch the surface on who I am meant to be. To be honest, I am scared. I'm not scared of who I will find; I know that deep down whoever I am is a great person. I am scared about how long it will take to find me. I am scared that 2010 will be a year of losing myself and 2011 will be a year of searching.

It is with that thought that I lie to myself. Beautiful little lies. "I am whole, I am strong, and I can handle anything thrown my way. I am bigger than what happened to me. I am not defined by my shortcomings, but by strengths."  I like to believe that if I tell myself these lies enough, they will become truths. And, I will once again, be ready to take on the world.