A New Year and A New Outlook

New Years. I think it is a silly holiday. Let's all jump around because this one night a year is when staying up until midnight is a big deal. Yet, suddenly, the most important thing is that you drink so much, you actually don't remember the night anyway. Then you hug everyone you see, for I don't know what reason and continue celebrating. And we watch the final page fall of the calendar as if we've never seen anything like it. Don't get me wrong, I like celebrating New Years just as much as the next person, but it's funny to me.

For me, the celebration wasn't typical. Yes, I was in a room with a bunch of friends. And, yes, I watched the ball drop. But, I wasn't celebrating the beginning of 2011. I wasn't making promises of what is going to happen in the year to come. I wasn't thinking about getting in shape or doing better in school, or even just being a nicer person. I was saying goodbye to 2010. I was putting my problems behind me. I was watching the minutes drip away until every last second of my hardest year was finally in the past. This day is about kissing yesterday goodbye and turning to smile at tomorrow.

I'd like to personally blame New Years for my weird mood. How is it that for so long I wanted to move forward and now that life is finally catching up with me, I feel like stopping to look around? I'm not sad to see 2010 go. But for an entire year, the depression, anxiety, panic attacks, tears, weight-loss, mood-swings, and complete loss of self is what defined me... I set out on this journey of self-discovery 4 months ago, and I am only now beginning to scratch the surface on who I am meant to be. To be honest, I am scared. I'm not scared of who I will find; I know that deep down whoever I am is a great person. I am scared about how long it will take to find me. I am scared that 2010 will be a year of losing myself and 2011 will be a year of searching.

It is with that thought that I lie to myself. Beautiful little lies. "I am whole, I am strong, and I can handle anything thrown my way. I am bigger than what happened to me. I am not defined by my shortcomings, but by strengths."  I like to believe that if I tell myself these lies enough, they will become truths. And, I will once again, be ready to take on the world.