Happy 6 Months!

Just over 6 months ago, I started blogging. I played with the idea for a long time and wondered what direction I would take my blog. At one point, it was going to be the place I wrote about all the crazy things I did to my roommates. How often do you hear the side of the "crazy" roommate? It's always the stories about her, but never from her. Instead, I just moved out. Then, I thought that maybe I would write some type of advice page. It hit me right at that moment that I was in no place to give advice because I was clearly the one who needed to get it.

I finally decided that I would use my blog as a way to find myself. I went back over the previous 6 months of posts and I noticed a few things about who I am and how I have changed. To really understand, let's consider the ironies that make up my life.
1. My former boyfriend broke up with me twice, exactly 6 months apart (down to the day).
2. Moving back to school for my junior year was scarier than when I moved freshman year. I had more friends at school before I attended than I did at the start of junior year.
3. Every time I post something happy on my blog, it is quickly followed by a moment of devastation. My "tough-girl" attitude is always short-lived. Re-read a few posts if you don't believe me.
4. My 21 birthday was one of the saddest weeks I have had in a long time (and by far, my saddest of birthdays). I said goodbye to my most admired professor. His memorial was the day after I turned 21.

So, why celebrate the last 6 months?

I have had my heart broken non-stop for the past year. All sorts of people have betrayed me. Many have left my life altogether. I will never be the innocent, overly-trusting girl I once was. Yet, I am stronger than I was 6 months ago. Every day, I find it to be a little more true that I cannot let my happiness rest on the shoulders of someone else. Just as anyone else does, I deserve to be happy. I have the right to smile, laugh, dance, and fall in love.

The First Step Towards Happiness

The truth is, as anyone will tell you, breaking up is hard. It hurts. My heart feels like its in a million little pieces. (Sadly, this might actually be the case considering I gave my heart back to the boy who broke it the first time around.)  I would give anything for someone to put it back together for me. Yet, as I say that I think about how I am the only person who can put all the pieces in the right places.

I had a major epiphany and realized that I need to fix my self-esteem. For those who know me, they know that I am always joking about how great I am. I regularly ask, "Can we talk about how fabulous I am?" I don't say that because I actually think I'm fabulous.... I say it to remind myself that I will make someone very happy one day. Clearly, I couldn't do that for the boy who left me, and I am sorry for that. But-- I will figure out how to make someone else feel as though he is the greatest thing that has ever lived.
To start this healing process, I know that I must first learn to love myself. I am working to see my flaws as beautiful. This is a very hard concept, and there isn't just one thing that I need to do to make myself more confident. I want to be the best I can possibly be so that I'm ready when the right man comes my way. Besides, if I can't love me, why would I expect anyone else to do it?

Last night, I took my first step towards happiness. I went to the bar with a couple friends. I reconnected with people that I had lost  when I was in a relationship and I strengthened bonds in existing friendships. While I spent a bit of time thinking about how much my former boy would have loved to see me dancing and laughing with my friends, I realize that he does not want to be a part of my life anymore. That thought alone breaks me a little. Going out and having fun helped me understand that I am going to be okay one day. I have a lot of supports that I didn't know existed until I fell and they were there to catch me.

While my life is changing, I am also changing. I am saying goodbye to a piece of my life that I wished would never end. Yet, I am doing so with the hope that I will soon be able to greet something new and worthwhile.

The Must Have's of Any Solid Relationship

Three days. It has been 3 days since I had my heart broken. I will miss the boy who left me, but I wish him the best. After all he has given me, the least I can do is allow him to have his freedom. Maybe one day, he might miss me, too. As I cried, I thought about how much more I have left to grow. If I am going to be happy, I need to know myself. There is no better time to learn who I am meant to be than right now. I have lost a lot over the past 2 years, so much that it actually scares me. Yet, I refuse to lose my determination. I will be happy. One day, I will find that I have all I'll ever need and more. Through this journey, I have really taken the time to consider the things that make a solid relationship.

First, it seems so important for both parties to give "no reason presents". I would love for someone to just randomly show up with flowers or chocolates. I love buying goofy gifts for people or putting together little goody bags. It should just be something small that says, "Hey, I was thinking about you..."
Second, I believe in celebrating Valentine's Day. I don't want to go to some expensive restaurant or be all kinds of PDA, but I think that you should acknowledge your love for each other. This could be as simple as making a card or cooking dinner together.
Third, I expect gentle communication. This means that there can be no name-calling, no yelling, and no swearing. Should there ever be an argument, in my next relationship, it needs to be a fair fight. Both sides need to have the chance to express their opinions and have those opinions respected. No one person should always be "picking the fight". Most importantly, I believe in sincere apologies. They are the only type of apology that I will give, so they should be the only kind that I am getting in return.
Fourth, I would really like to be able to have open conversations. This means that I don't want any topic to be off-limits. No matter how hard it is to talk about, if it is brought up, it needs to be addressed. We should both feel confident enough in our relationship to talk about the "scary stuff".

While I am sure that there are many things I have left off this list, this is where I currently stand. Regardless, love should be fair, kind, and respectful.

The Search for Happiness Continues...

It's funny how life works... or maybe it's sad. I always manage to take on this "tough-girl" attitude only days before the world attacks me. I gave my heart to my boyfriend of nearly 2 years for Valentine's Day (I literally drew a heart labeled "My Heart" and gave it to him). Four days later, he broke up with me. It's kinda like the world is telling me, "ha, nice try!" Except this time, I know how strong I am. That doesn't mean that I won't cry. That doesn't mean that I won't be sad. And, that doesn't mean I won't wonder what I did wrong. But, I won't give up on my search for happiness. If anything, I am going to look harder.

A New Look and A New Attitude

Close your eyes.
Imagine your life in 5 years.
What do you see?

For me, life is pretty different. I am out of college and living in a real house with all my own furniture. I don't know where, but I can tell you that it won't be my hometown. I plan on teaching for a while, saving up as much money as possible. Maybe I'll be married by then... or, maybe not. I love imagining that I will still have "girls nights" with my couple of true college girlfriends. Regardless, I picture myself as being happy.
I am scared to death of the transition. I hate the thought of the first night in my new house, but as I watch the "newness" wear off, I know that I will find my place. We are all a little scared of change, whether we admit it or not. However, I am finding that change is necessary. We have no choice: we must grow older and move forward. We can fight the process all we want, but in the end, it will happen anyway.
I believe that we can either be an active part of the future, or we can sit and watch of life sweep us up in a whirlwind of uncertainty. For too long, I have been in the backseat. Seeing as life is going to move on no matter what, I have decided that I am ready to take the wheel and steer myself in the direction of my choosing.

I Trust Others to Help me.

I used to be strong,
But now I trust others to help me.
I always break,
But I never shatter beyond repair.
I once thought I was invincible,
But now I know I am not.
If I could go back,
I would change things.
I never have given up on myself,
But I might call it quits now and then.
I can't carry the world alone,
But I can sure carry a lot.
I won't forget my experience,
But I might let myself move on.
I used to be strong,
But now I trust others to help me.

Put Your Arms Around me

My dad always tells me to "Count the successes."  He believes in living life one day at a time.  This means that sometimes, you have a good day and sometimes, you don't.  On a regular basis, he reminds me that it is okay to have a bad day, to be sad, and to wallow in self pity if needed.  We can't be happy all the time, and it's these bad days that make the good ones so much better.

Only 2 days after my birthday, I am having one of my sad days.  The thing is that I had a successful birthday, filled with family, friends, and food.  I could not have asked for more.  I got to celebrate with the people who love me, which is ultimately what matters.  So when I think about being sad only a few days later, I tell myself to count my birthday as a success and move on.

I took my dad's advice and today, I wallowed.  After being in a huge house alone for an entire day, I want nothing more than to feel someone's arms around me.

You will Not be Forgotten...

I am so sorry that I did not take the time to thank you for all you've taught me over the past semester. I might have only known you for a few short months, but I am certain that I will become a better teacher for it.  You were so passionate about all that you did and your students saw that passion.  I hope to one day become half the teacher you were. As your student, I felt empowered, valuable, and safe to take a risk. It was impossible not to love learning in your classroom. You demonstrated the value of education as you were excited and willing to learn from us, as well. Your sense of humor eased any tense situation, and the openness with which you taught lead to our successes. Thank you for all you have done... for both my education and my future career.

You may be gone, but you will not be forgotten.

The Beauty of Being Real

I have started this entry about 6 different times, only to erase it and start over.
My thoughts are jumbled and my heart is sad.
Sometimes life just isn't fair.
We can't always get our way.
We plan and we hope until we can't take anymore.
Yet, we are disappointed anyway.

Sometimes, all we can do is let the tears flow.
And remind ourselves, there is something beautiful about just being real.

Be Bold: Take a Chance Today

There is nothing better than taking a risk and realizing that you didn't fall flat on your face. So do something bold today:

• Tell off the boy who is making your life hell
• Go out with your friends on a Tuesday night
• Try skydiving
• Order something totally new at a restaurant
• Call an ex-friend and catch up
• Eat wayyy too much pizza instead of doing work
• Go rock-climbing