Appreciating Who I Am

Oh, hello anxiety. Welcome back.
It was silly for me to think that I'd rid myself of you, isn't it? I really thought you were gone, and I was kind of looking forward to the chance to be normal. I am pretty sure that was wishful thinking. So I guess it's time for a new approach. One of these days, I swear something better work. I guess I am going to start thinking about all the reasons I am lucky to be anxious. Seeing as you aren't leaving anytime soon, I might as well figure out how I can appreciate you. Instead of letting you define me, I need to decide who I am and why I am grateful for my struggle.
So here it goes...

1. You make me productive. Heaven forbid I put anything off. You'll give me a panic attack. 
2. You make me appreciate my good days. When I'm not stressed or anxious, I know it. 
3. You show me how many people love me. My friends really support me when you get bad.
4. You make me compassionate. I can relate and help others with a new understanding. 
5. You show me how strong I am. There is no room for weakness with you around.

Create your own happiness!

Continuing down this road of happiness, my roommate showed me a very cool video. It was about synthetic happiness. It's a bit bizarre, really, but apparently we can create our own happiness in situations. There isn't really a "better" outcome.

You have a choice, you make it, and you decide that it's irreversible. Knowing that you can't change your mind or go back means that you learn to make the best of the situation, and you eventually grow to be happy with it. The problem is when you can change your mind. This gives you the chance second guess, worry, and wonder. Constantly questioning yourself is what makes you unhappy. No matter what the outcome is, if you cannot change it, you figure out how to make the best out of it.

This was such a strange idea, but I like it. I think this is why I am happy working so hard all the time. I cannot change it. It was just what needs to be done. I am finding ways to enjoy myself and to laugh at the quality of work my students hand in.

Think about it. How many couples break up every day? A lot. How many couples get a divorce every day? Less, for sure. This is because a divorce is irreversible (or much harder to change back). So, you figure out how to fix your problems, make it work, or get by. It's much more difficult to walk away when there are a bunch of legal hoops to jump through. There is a far greater commitment in a marriage. In an average relationship, you can change it. You can break up, get back together, take a break, try again. It seems a lot less final. Yet, it is this ability to change that causes such a problem. You don't have to be happy, because you can just try something else.

Obviously, there are just some things that make us sad. We can't stop feeling sadness. However, we can take that sadness and make the most of it. Decide that if this is how things are, we better just learn to accept it.

With this in mind, I feel a bit more ready for the weeks that lie ahead. I know that I can choose to be happy, to make the best, and to accept my fate.There is no point dwelling over the things I cannot change, so I might as well figure out how to enjoy them.

A Short Lived Victory

For a while, I was considering deleting my blog. I really believed that I had overcome the struggles of my life, that I had grown, that I was ready to face the world again. However, I don't think that is the case. I am wondering what I did to deserve all of the struggles that I've had to face and why more just keep popping up. 

Maybe I have found pieces of myself along the way. Maybe I know some of the things in life that make me happy. And maybe there are still a few things missing. Yet, I still feel like I am far away from where I want to be. I cannot imagine that all of my strength and hard work was for nothing. I know that I am loved and that I have a lot to offer others. I believe that life is so much more beautiful than I am currently seeing it to be.

Even still, yesterday was filled with tears. It was different than many of the times I've cried in the recent past. This time, the tears didn't seem to want to stop. They almost burned my eyes, as if I hadn't been expecting them and they broke free. My face was red, blotchy. I felt paralyzed by life. Nothing seemed to hold any appeal. I wanted to sit around and soak in my sorrows. That feeling has long since left me, or so I thought.

In that moment, I realized that so much is not okay. And so, I once again am setting out on this journey to happiness.

Just an Update

Once upon a time, my life came crashing down. I believe that at age 19, I hit rock bottom. I was literally at my all time low. In the past few years, I have spent my time rebuilding. From where I am right now, I am doing much better. Of course, I still have bad days but they are nothing like they once were. Even more, I am taking time to talk, to help others who are struggling. I am finding that the more I discuss what I went through, the less life-shattering it feels. There is something good coming out of the bad that I've been through.

I'm not sure if I'm totally healed. I think I would be lying to myself if I said that I was. Yet, I feel strong. I believe that helping others has been a way to help myself. A lot of times, I think about how I am going to be a better person because I can relate and understand others.

In no way do I believe that I have life all figured out, but I am starting to get there. I find that most good comes from having gone through bad. Knowing that someone else is hurting less because I was there to talk them through it, or listen when they needed a friend is really a great feeling. Some days, I wish I could do more for people. Other days, I am finding that I am just happy to relax and enjoy my progress. Regardless, I have learned the importance of reaching out to others. In the process, you just might be solving some of your problems.