The Power and Pain of a Happy Ending

Every so often, I find myself craving books. Literally, I cannot stop thinking about getting caught up in a good story, or looking online for something new to read. I have finally quenched that hunger for a story by reading Matched. If you haven't read it yet, I seriously recommend it. It took me all of 3 days to finish it and I dying for the next book to arrive in the mail.

It is the greatest escape in the world to get caught up in someone else's world. I love falling in love with the characters and watching as their lives unfold. It amazes me that I find myself thinking about these characters as if we are friends, wanting the best to work out. I believe in their happy endings. I think about their situations, imagine what I would do if I was in their shoes, and forget about reality.

The only problem with allowing someone else's story to wash over you is that eventually reality has to set back in. Life is not a book and sometimes, happy endings don't always work out. Reading that last page is the highest high and the hardest fall. More than anything, I wish that my life could work like the a novel, you know, with all that "happily ever after" stuff. I've always said that good things happen for good people. However, I am beginning to second guess myself. Maybe things just happen. Good, bad, neutral. Things just are what they are and there is not a whole lot you can do about it. Still more than anything in the world, I find myself longing to believe in the possibility of good, of happy, of secure.

Proud of Who I Am

I Am

I am broken, but strong.
I wonder when the world will make sense.
I hear the silent screams of the stars.
I see the promise of tomorrow!
I want to make a difference for someone.
I am broken, but strong.

I pretend to be whole all the time.
I feel the softness of a hug.
I touch hearts.
I worry that it's all a lie.
I cry when I finally give in.
I am broken, but strong.

I understand people are inherently good.
I say that everything will work out.
I dream of a happy future.
I try to laugh every day.
I hope there is something worth laughing about.
I am broken, but strong!

Quick Tip: Cut Back on Caffeine

Recently, I have been working very hard to consume less caffeine. It's actually a bit of a challenge considering I am a sleep-deprived college student. I used to survive my classes because of coffee or caffeinated beverages. Without them, I would find myself literally drifting off during a lecture.

However, I've been getting to sleep earlier and not allowing myself to drink much caffeine. I've found that this has drastically decreased my anxiety. Now, I might allow myself one pop per week, but no coffee ever. This seems to be working for me. Obviously, I still get anxious from time to time but nothing like I would when I was drinking coffee regularly.

Here's how it works. Caffeine increases heart rate, which makes you feel more awake. The problem is that this increase can trigger anxiety or panic attacks, especially in people who are already prone to these. You actually don't feel more awake and focused, but more out of control. If you are having a stressful day, adding caffeine to it can actually trigger an anxiety response in your body. Instead of refocusing you, it's throwing you off even more.
If you want to continue with your morning cup of coffee, then okay, too. The important thing is to remember moderation. Don't drink coffee for breakfast, coke for lunch, and tea to relax at night. It's best to lower your consumption and reduce your jitters. There is no reason you can get that same relaxing cup of tea but decaffeinated.

Caffeine is not the only source for anxiety, as even though I don't drink much anymore, I still get anxious. However, I am not having as many panic attacks and they are not as extreme. This is definitely a helpful step in overcoming my anxiety. I totally recommend trying it if you find yourself suffering from frequent anxiety or panic attacks.

Continuing the Fight

It's been a while, but I finally had a panic attack again. I am literally freaking out over things that I know are stupid. The only problem is that I can't stop myself from feeling this way.
Today, I realized that there are two parts of me. The first and most important part is who I really am. The second part is my anxiety. Okay, let me explain. I know that I'm being irrational, but my anxiety does not. The anxiety thinks that it's okay to worry about stupid things, like it's something that it should be doing. However, the person that I am feels differently. I'm worrying about things that make no difference or don't require concern. Even still, knowing that I'm acting irrational does not always allow me to just become rational.

Everyone I know keeps telling me that I'm getting better at controlling my panic attacks or talking myself down from them. I like to believe this, but I'm not entirely sure. It feels like I get worried about being worried in the first place and I only end up making it worse for myself.

Clearly, I have to keep working at this. Sometimes, I hope that by posting all of my struggles, someone else out there will stumble upon my entries and realize that they are not alone. I like to believe that I am not the only one with kind of problem and I really hope that by writing, I am making it easier for another person.