The only thing I've ever wanted...

Back in 2010, I believed that bad roommates and losing 30 pounds from living through it would define me forever. I thought that "letting go" meant forgiving all the people who hurt me, disappointed me, and betrayed me. I wanted to find happiness and find myself. I am full of contradictions, ups and downs, and failed attempts. I think I am cured when I don't have panic attacks for an extended period, only to realize it's a lie when they hit again. I feel strong and weak, happy and sad, loved and alone all at the same time. Living with anxiety is is an ongoing, ever-changing journey.

I am an idealist. I always believe in the best. I think everything will just work out because it's "supposed" to. I know that good things are supposed to happen to good people, so I try to be one of those good people. I am a hard worker and a kind person, and I believe I am meant to be happy. When things get hard for me or life throws me a curve ball, I panic. I simply do not know how to process the stress or work through the change. My mind says one thing, but my body responds differently.

I wish I could put into words what it is like to live with anxiety. I wish I could explain how much I hate it and how horrible it makes me feel about myself. It's like I have an inherent deficiency. I am physically not able to control my fear. It is so hard to be scared all the time. I'm scared of bad things happening around me or to me. I'm scared to express my fears because I know how silly and obsessive they sound to others. I'm scared that I will add to the stigma that surrounds mental illness. I try so hard to hold onto the times that I overcome my anxiety and show others that success is possible. I travel often, I have many friends, and I have a wonderful career. In all honesty, I am successful. I have not allowed anxiety to stop me. Even when it hits, I do not give up. I am a living example that living with anxiety is possible. Still, I find that I get discouraged when I am faced with these feelings of fear. I want so much more for myself and my life.

Sometimes I feel so alone in this battle... I want someone to come along and take my anxiety and panic attacks away from me. I want to be "normal."

Because the tears still come...

You see, this blog started out as an experiment. I wanted to know if writing would help me work through my problems. I wanted to know if it would make me feel better to write about what was happening in my world. I never intended my blog to spread into my adult life. I honestly did not think it would even survive my college years, let alone longer. Yet, I keep coming back. When my world begins to crumble, I feel myself drawn to this space. So much of my life is documented in these entries, and I like to see how I've changed over the years. With that in mind, it only feels fitting to share my latest thoughts.

I suppose it's safe to say that I have my life figured out. I have no idea where I'll live permanently, I do not know when I'll settle down, and I have no clue if I will ever be offered my dream job. Still, I have my life figured out. I know exactly the type of life I want and I know what I need to do to get there. I know what I need in order to be happy. I've got my future covered. As my students would say, "I've got this." The problem is really getting from here to there. I don't have my "right now" under control.

After a long time without anxiety, I had a total breakdown. It was panic attack with a whole lot of tears. I stood up for myself, spoke my mind, and made my point. Then I lost it. I think it's hard for me to believe that I have lingering scars from the abuse I endured in college, but I do. I am literally afraid to stick up for myself and to fight for what I want. I am so quick to jump to the rescue of another, but fighting for myself is scary. I am scared that it won't work out and that I'll make it worse. I am scared that I'll say the wrong thing. I am scared that I'll let myself down. I am scared. My life is not what I want it to be right now. There is so much uncertainty and so much stress. I feel like I work hard every day but it goes unnoticed. I fight for everyone else, but sometimes, I want to know that someone is fighting for me.

I know that I cannot take on the world alone, but sometimes it feels like I try to. I am so lonely and sad when the anxiety hits. I just want someone to tell me that "It's all going to be okay." I want someone to walk up and say "I'm on your side." I realize that I am surrounded by people who do this with their actions, but it's really the reassuring words that I miss. I hate feeling like I need help, and yet, I do.

I am strong enough to do it alone, but I don't have to. That is a lesson that my 19 year old self hadn't learned. It is a lesson that I am happy I know now. I have people on my side. I will literally never need to take on the world alone because I have amazing support all around me. I just need to remember to ask for it. And right now, I am asking.