Because the tears still come...

You see, this blog started out as an experiment. I wanted to know if writing would help me work through my problems. I wanted to know if it would make me feel better to write about what was happening in my world. I never intended my blog to spread into my adult life. I honestly did not think it would even survive my college years, let alone longer. Yet, I keep coming back. When my world begins to crumble, I feel myself drawn to this space. So much of my life is documented in these entries, and I like to see how I've changed over the years. With that in mind, it only feels fitting to share my latest thoughts.

I suppose it's safe to say that I have my life figured out. I have no idea where I'll live permanently, I do not know when I'll settle down, and I have no clue if I will ever be offered my dream job. Still, I have my life figured out. I know exactly the type of life I want and I know what I need to do to get there. I know what I need in order to be happy. I've got my future covered. As my students would say, "I've got this." The problem is really getting from here to there. I don't have my "right now" under control.

After a long time without anxiety, I had a total breakdown. It was panic attack with a whole lot of tears. I stood up for myself, spoke my mind, and made my point. Then I lost it. I think it's hard for me to believe that I have lingering scars from the abuse I endured in college, but I do. I am literally afraid to stick up for myself and to fight for what I want. I am so quick to jump to the rescue of another, but fighting for myself is scary. I am scared that it won't work out and that I'll make it worse. I am scared that I'll say the wrong thing. I am scared that I'll let myself down. I am scared. My life is not what I want it to be right now. There is so much uncertainty and so much stress. I feel like I work hard every day but it goes unnoticed. I fight for everyone else, but sometimes, I want to know that someone is fighting for me.

I know that I cannot take on the world alone, but sometimes it feels like I try to. I am so lonely and sad when the anxiety hits. I just want someone to tell me that "It's all going to be okay." I want someone to walk up and say "I'm on your side." I realize that I am surrounded by people who do this with their actions, but it's really the reassuring words that I miss. I hate feeling like I need help, and yet, I do.

I am strong enough to do it alone, but I don't have to. That is a lesson that my 19 year old self hadn't learned. It is a lesson that I am happy I know now. I have people on my side. I will literally never need to take on the world alone because I have amazing support all around me. I just need to remember to ask for it. And right now, I am asking.