We all have that one big fear... you know, the one that you will do anything to avoid. That fear that you try so hard to pretend doesn't exist, but secretly, you know it's there. For me, that fear is being home alone at night. I won't sleep if no one else is in the house. I really believe that I won't be able to respond to a negative situation quick enough if I am sleeping when it occurs. So, I stay awake when I'm alone.
This weekend changed everything. I had no choice but to be home alone. My family went out of town and I was stuck here due to work. Clearly, the option of staying awake for 3 days didn't exist. I promised myself that I was going to try. Worst case, I could stay with my aunt. The first night consisted of a lot of tears. After that, I was totally fine!
I found fun things to do while I was alone, things that I probably wouldn't have done if my family was home. I played my music really loud, took a bath, slept in far too late. Now, I'm not saying that I enjoy being alone, but I can do it. I survived one of my biggest fears, and it feels good!
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Friday, May 27, 2011
Lonely-- Not Alone
Ever have one of those days when you are just dying for a hug? When the only thing you want is to feel another person next to you? When you just need to know that you aren't facing the world alone? This is exactly how I feel right now. I would give anything for someone to come in and tell me that it's okay to get lonely, but that I am not alone.
It's been a long time since I let the tears fall like this. I didn't even realize how sad I was until I noticed that my face was soaking wet. For this one second, I am feeling defeated. I thought that I had conquered my fears, faced my anxiety, and was ready to move on with my life. Now, I am not so sure. The fact that I started crying after only 6 hours alone really worries me. I thought that I was stronger than this. I thought that I could take care of myself. But-- given how I feel right now, maybe I still need someone to help me.
Facing the world alone is a scary thing to do. It is something that I hope I never have to do. I think it is for this reason that I believe so strongly in love. Just knowing that you have someone there to love you, to remind you that you're strong, to help you up when you fall is such a powerful thing. These people come in all different shapes and sizes. They are our friends, brothers, sisters, parents, lovers. Even though I am so lonely right now, I keep reminding myself that I have people who love me. I have people who would do anything to support me. I am lonely, but I am not alone.
It's been a long time since I let the tears fall like this. I didn't even realize how sad I was until I noticed that my face was soaking wet. For this one second, I am feeling defeated. I thought that I had conquered my fears, faced my anxiety, and was ready to move on with my life. Now, I am not so sure. The fact that I started crying after only 6 hours alone really worries me. I thought that I was stronger than this. I thought that I could take care of myself. But-- given how I feel right now, maybe I still need someone to help me.
Facing the world alone is a scary thing to do. It is something that I hope I never have to do. I think it is for this reason that I believe so strongly in love. Just knowing that you have someone there to love you, to remind you that you're strong, to help you up when you fall is such a powerful thing. These people come in all different shapes and sizes. They are our friends, brothers, sisters, parents, lovers. Even though I am so lonely right now, I keep reminding myself that I have people who love me. I have people who would do anything to support me. I am lonely, but I am not alone.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
This One's for You
You say that you're the boss. This is true.An Apology
But I am still a person. No more or less than you.
Don't tell me, "It sucks to be you." You have not a clue.
Life will improve if your voice is of a kinder hue.
I'm sorry you suck.
I promise you won't be happy til your confidence is found,
Because, honestly, there is more to life than pushing people around.
Between death or speaking with you, I'll choose to drown.
Yet, you are in charge and so to you, I am bound.
I'm sorry you suck.
Truth is, one day, I will pass you by.
I will be a "somebody" soon, because I'm choosing to fly.
Due to your anger, with you, the suffering will always lie.
You're suck in this hell til the day that you die.
I'm sorry you suck.
And so, I will tell you with this...
This is a goodbye I refuse to blow a kiss,
Because, you are a person that I will never miss.
When you are gone, I promise myself a life of bliss.
I'm sorry you suck.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
A Lesson on Love
Once upon a time... And they got married, and the princess lived happily ever after!
Excuse me?! Since when does a girl have to get married in order to find happiness? I used to think that love was all about finding your other half. You had to search and search until you found that one person who completed you. Until that happens, you are left wandering and lonely. I thought that I would only know true happiness when I fell head over heals for a guy and he showed me everything that I was missing. I thought that I was supposed to be his other half, and he was to be mine. I thought that an essential part of me was lacking due to his absence. This view is seriously confused.
Don't get me wrong, I totally believe in love. But, I think that you can only be happy when you're in love if you were already happy before you started falling. There is something to be said for making your own happiness and having your footing within your own life. It's only once you are truly content alone that you are able to share so much more with someone else.
I am speaking from experience. I am a disaster waiting to happen. If something is likely to go wrong, it will happen to me. I am the girl who gets caught doing something that her friends have gotten away with a hundred times, the one that had cops show up at her first party, or is seen out by the person she told that she was sick. The ironies of life have come to define me. Throughout this, I found that I cannot allow my happiness to rest on the shoulders of someone else. With so much of life being left up to chance, counting on another person to keep me feeling happy is a wasted effort. I am single at this time in my life and yet, I am happy. I love the person that I have become. I plan to be a great addition to some lucky guy's life as I hope he will be a great addition to mine. Yet, I am not expecting him to provide me with my sense of self. I am a strong, young woman complete with my own personality. I know that I am worth loving exactly as I am. The right guy will know that, too!
Excuse me?! Since when does a girl have to get married in order to find happiness? I used to think that love was all about finding your other half. You had to search and search until you found that one person who completed you. Until that happens, you are left wandering and lonely. I thought that I would only know true happiness when I fell head over heals for a guy and he showed me everything that I was missing. I thought that I was supposed to be his other half, and he was to be mine. I thought that an essential part of me was lacking due to his absence. This view is seriously confused.
Don't get me wrong, I totally believe in love. But, I think that you can only be happy when you're in love if you were already happy before you started falling. There is something to be said for making your own happiness and having your footing within your own life. It's only once you are truly content alone that you are able to share so much more with someone else.
I am speaking from experience. I am a disaster waiting to happen. If something is likely to go wrong, it will happen to me. I am the girl who gets caught doing something that her friends have gotten away with a hundred times, the one that had cops show up at her first party, or is seen out by the person she told that she was sick. The ironies of life have come to define me. Throughout this, I found that I cannot allow my happiness to rest on the shoulders of someone else. With so much of life being left up to chance, counting on another person to keep me feeling happy is a wasted effort. I am single at this time in my life and yet, I am happy. I love the person that I have become. I plan to be a great addition to some lucky guy's life as I hope he will be a great addition to mine. Yet, I am not expecting him to provide me with my sense of self. I am a strong, young woman complete with my own personality. I know that I am worth loving exactly as I am. The right guy will know that, too!
Friday, May 13, 2011
The Power of Words
When I was younger, I didn't like to read. I thought it was stupid to "get lost in a book". I wanted to go out and live my own adventures, not read about someone else's. As I got older, I started to like reading but I was embarrassed to admit it. Now, I am an English major. My goal is to become an English teacher and inspire others to read.
There is something so beautiful about a completely full bookcase. Every story contains a secret. Even when it appears to be totally fictional, the author has planted a piece of himself on the pages. His fears, struggles, or successes are set on display through his characters. Often times, I find myself learning through these fictional friends, putting myself in the story, and gaining a greater insight into the world around me.
Even more than reading, I believe in writing. Whether you write a book, write poetry, blog, keep a journal... it is well worth the time. Writing can be a public or private act. Regardless, it is permanent. Throughout my time blogging, I have found that I can go back to re-read. I remember my experiences as more than just vague memories. The feelings surrounding every post come rushing back to me. At first, I didn't like re-living my struggles, but I realized that by doing so, I will never make the same mistake twice. I learn from myself. I work out every one of my problems by writing and exploring options. I remember where I was before and compare it to where I am now. Whenever I am feeling down, I can turn to my blog as a way to remind myself how far I have come and how proud I am of my struggle.
Yet, writing is more than a telling a story. It is preserving a moment in time. It is a way of allowing someone, whether yourself or others, to hear what you have to say and to really listen. Not everyone has to write. Not everyone has to share a piece of themselves through hidden messages in words. But, for those brave enough to do it, thank you! Likewise, not everyone has to read. Not everyone has to hear the hidden messages. For those who read, thank you for listening!
There is something so beautiful about a completely full bookcase. Every story contains a secret. Even when it appears to be totally fictional, the author has planted a piece of himself on the pages. His fears, struggles, or successes are set on display through his characters. Often times, I find myself learning through these fictional friends, putting myself in the story, and gaining a greater insight into the world around me.
Even more than reading, I believe in writing. Whether you write a book, write poetry, blog, keep a journal... it is well worth the time. Writing can be a public or private act. Regardless, it is permanent. Throughout my time blogging, I have found that I can go back to re-read. I remember my experiences as more than just vague memories. The feelings surrounding every post come rushing back to me. At first, I didn't like re-living my struggles, but I realized that by doing so, I will never make the same mistake twice. I learn from myself. I work out every one of my problems by writing and exploring options. I remember where I was before and compare it to where I am now. Whenever I am feeling down, I can turn to my blog as a way to remind myself how far I have come and how proud I am of my struggle.
Yet, writing is more than a telling a story. It is preserving a moment in time. It is a way of allowing someone, whether yourself or others, to hear what you have to say and to really listen. Not everyone has to write. Not everyone has to share a piece of themselves through hidden messages in words. But, for those brave enough to do it, thank you! Likewise, not everyone has to read. Not everyone has to hear the hidden messages. For those who read, thank you for listening!
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Anxiety-- As Seen Through My Eyes
For as long as I can remember, people have been telling me to "lighten up", "take a chance", and "Go with the flow". I remember saying, "You have no idea what it's like to be me..." Until recently, no one ever asked what it was like. Until recently, I never had to put it into words. Until recently, I could pretend that I was just like everyone else.
But, I am not like everyone else. I have serious anxiety. It's not like I get a little nervous before a big test or I stress out about keeping up with all my commitments. I'm talking full blown panic attacks... over very small and silly things. These might include spending the night at a friends house, going to a new restaurant, or being home alone.
What does anxiety feel like?
But, I am not like everyone else. I have serious anxiety. It's not like I get a little nervous before a big test or I stress out about keeping up with all my commitments. I'm talking full blown panic attacks... over very small and silly things. These might include spending the night at a friends house, going to a new restaurant, or being home alone.
What does anxiety feel like?
- Racing heart
- Shortness of breath
- Shaky and weak
- Tight stomach (knotted)
- Long and slow breathing
- Close your eyes
- Remind yourself it'll be okay
- CHALLENGE IT
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Move the fuck on...
After feeling a bit out of it all week, I stumbled upon this really fabulous quote and it instantly changed my mood. Sometimes all we need is a bit of inspiration to remind us that everything is going to be okay.
You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened... Or, you can leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on.There are no right answers in life. You can do the best you can to make awesome choices, but sometimes the whole thing goes to hell. When this happens, you have two choices: beat yourself up or move the fuck on. It's time to be strong and start living.
Friday, May 6, 2011
Advice Wanted
My life has changed. I have changed. I will never again be that shy girl in the back of the classroom. I won't wait to be approached. I refuse to hesitate when asking for help. I am determined to use the voice I was given to demand the life I deserve. I stand up for myself. I make my own fun. I take responsibility for my own happiness.
Yet, right now, I am frozen. I'm right in the middle of a cross road. I have two choices: left or right. Either, I let my heart win or I let my protective side take over. Usually, I believe in taking risks when it comes to love. You might fall flat on your face, but those few seconds that you spend in the air are the most thrilling thing you'll ever experience. My problem is that I've been right here before and I already know how bad the landing will hurt.
I am left with one major question: Is it possible to make a relationship seriously work after a significant break up? After watching years of hard work tossed aside in a matter of days, I worry that it's too easy for him to leave when things get hard. Yet, I believe I am worth more than that. I believe he's coming back because he sees it, too. He has said all the right things, and still, I wonder. I don't want that doubt lingering in the back of my mind, always wondering when he's going to walk out again. Is it possible to rebuild that trust and security? Or, is it really better to be safe than sorry?
Yet, right now, I am frozen. I'm right in the middle of a cross road. I have two choices: left or right. Either, I let my heart win or I let my protective side take over. Usually, I believe in taking risks when it comes to love. You might fall flat on your face, but those few seconds that you spend in the air are the most thrilling thing you'll ever experience. My problem is that I've been right here before and I already know how bad the landing will hurt.
I am left with one major question: Is it possible to make a relationship seriously work after a significant break up? After watching years of hard work tossed aside in a matter of days, I worry that it's too easy for him to leave when things get hard. Yet, I believe I am worth more than that. I believe he's coming back because he sees it, too. He has said all the right things, and still, I wonder. I don't want that doubt lingering in the back of my mind, always wondering when he's going to walk out again. Is it possible to rebuild that trust and security? Or, is it really better to be safe than sorry?
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