Break the cycle?!

Maybe it's just me, but do you know how sometimes you just feel stuck? Every day, I wake up with the impression that things will be different. Something has changed. So, I get out of bed, take a shower, style my hair a little differently than the day before. Grab something new for breakfast and put on a different outfit. Yet, everything is exactly the same. I am in the same "blah" mood as I wait for the day to drag on long enough before it's a reasonable go to bed. Then I repeat the process all over again. Today, I even went as far as having my hair trimmed because honestly, a fresh cut hair is a good thing. Don't get me wrong, I do a lot in between getting dressed and going to bed. I go to my cousin's play or make cupcakes for a loved ones birthday, or even pack for my return to college... the to-do list never ends. For the first time ever, I am trying to embrace change and nothing's happening. I feel like I am riding one of those stationary bikes, and no matter how hard I peddle, I still don't move. Seriously annoying!

In a rut

Actually, that picture describes my emotion perfectly. Everything around is probably so beautiful, but I'm too busy trying to figure out how to get moving that I don't even notice. Then again, I'm a little sick of this positive thinking junk. I wake up every morning with this great plan for the day, and I end up just going through the motions until tomorrow starts. I'm only days away from moving back to school, and I could seriously use a vacation! How do I possibly break this cycle?!

Sorry this post turned into a total "Bitch-fest." I just feel like I've really hit the wall recently and I need some creative and fun ways to spend the last few days of summer. Ideas?

To Change the World: Change Yourself

In my first post ever, I gave a shout out to a fabulous friend who inspired me to start writing about my journey to self-discovery. Well, this friend is at it again. She has started her own "Happiness Project" and it's really an awesome idea... Check it out here, tinsel*. After exploring her page for a while, I couldn't help but look up the original Happiness Project.
In a sense, I am already working on my own happiness project as I set out to find (or create) myself, but I prefer to think of it as the road to self-discovery. I am working towards becoming the person I want to be and I am beginning to appreciate all the struggles of the past year as they are playing a huge role in the shaping of my character. (I say beginning because there are still some days when I wish I could erase them from my life completely.)
By exploring the two pages posted above, I have figured out my next step...

"Life Laws of a Little Lady"

• Be Myself; Love Myself

First and foremost, I must do the things that make me happy. As long as I am true to the person I am now and the one I hope to become, happiness is inevitable. Life is too short to waste being someone you aren't or doing things that you hate. As long as I am being myself, I am able to love myself. Besides, who can possible love me better than me?!
 

•  Feel what I feel while I'm feeling it

This advice came to me from my high school French teacher. She heard of my struggling year and wrote me a long, and very encouraging letter. This was the piece that caught my eye. The longer I avoid a feeling, the harder it is going to hit me later. It is better to just embrace my current state of being than try to fight it. I can be any emotion... sad, stressed, angry... I feel it and then I am able to move on with the day. There is no nagging feeling in the back of my mind weighing on my good mood. If I am happy, then I am happy. If I'm not, I don't need to pretend.

•  Let it go

Back in high school, I heard the quote, "Every 60 seconds you spend mad or upset is a minute of happiness you can never get back." The less time I spend upset means more time that I am able to spend happy. Besides, everyone makes mistakes, including me. Holding grudges is silly. It gets you no where. If I am slow to anger, but fast to forgive, I am able to get back to happiness that much sooner. There is no reason for me to sweat the small stuff, so I am just going to take a breathe and let it go!

• Take Control

"Life is what you make it."  "Live life to the fullest."  "Have no regrets."  The list goes on and on... Every quote is about the same thing, taking control of your life. After hearing these day in and day out, I have realized that my life is up to me. I can decide to have a meaningful life or a meaningless one. Instead of standing by while things upset me, I have the right to change them; I have the right to take control.

• Have an Open Mind and an Open Heart

Life is always changing. People enter and leave my life at an alarming rate, but that's no reason to shut out the world. Even though things like to go wrong in my life, I can still be open to new possibilities, including love. This directly coincides with "Take Control." After all, life is what you make it and being open to all opportunities is the best way to make worthwhile.

• Find the Beauty

In a world full of stress, the best pick-me-up is finding the beauty. Life is all about the process. Every day, I will continue to grow and learn. I will make new friends, meet new challenges, and learn new lessons. So, I must take a breath and take the world as it comes. When life starts to get me down, I can look around and find a flower, a falling snowflake, or laughing child. It is that easy to remember that the world is a beautiful place.

Expect more on some topics, as it is likely I will share the details of my "Life Laws" further into my self-discovery process.

"...I am something Beautiful"

When I was in eleventh grade, I was given a creative writing assignment to write about something, anything, that I undoubtedly believe. As I sat there thinking, I couldn't come up with a single thing I knew was true for every person regardless of background, race, education, and social class.  I could hardly turn in a paper about how I believed in nothing, so I continued thinking. After putting far too much effort in to this silly assignment, I realized that I believe every person has a lesson to teach. Even after 3 more years of experience, I am still certain that this is true. Here is how I see it.

Our lives are filled with people. Some we know well and some we've just met; maybe even some we wish we'd hadn't met at all. If we take a closer look, perhaps at our best friends, we might see what they bring to the table. My best friend is a ridiculous person. He's always up for anything, full of life and ready to prove the world wrong about him. He is without a doubt one of the most positive parts of my life. Without him, I would hardly know how to be as supportive as I am. I wouldn't know how to set my own judgments aside and give people my full attention when they are in need. Most importantly, I wouldn't know what it meant to love someone unconditionally or to be loved in return.

An other example would be that girl I see everywhere on campus. I don't even know her name. The only thing there is to say is that she is always smiling. Each time I walk by her, she sends a smile in my direction, and once in a while, she will even wave at me. What on earth is this happy girl teaching me? It's about the kindness of strangers. In a world where things are constantly going wrong, I can still count on a few upbeat people to brighten a bad day. If anything, she is teaching me that a smile goes a long way.

Even the boy who broke my heart has taught me several lessons. He showed me how to let people in, to trust and to be open to change. His open arms were always waiting when things started to fall apart, and I know that is a quality that is required to be part of my life. I also learned to rely on myself and my own strength. While it is so wonderful to share your life with someone and I would love to still have that, it is not necessary to be happy. I also know that I am blessed to have had him for as long as I did, and I appreciate the time we shared.

The truth is, though, that not everyone has a positive lesson. Still, it is a lesson all the same. Perhaps, they teach you what you do NOT what to be like or they show qualities that need to be eliminated from your own character. Maybe these people are around to teach us to fill our life with positive light and to be a positive light in the life of someone else.

Regardless of the lesson, everyone brings something to the table. As I am figuring out who I am in the world, I know that I never want to stop giving back. I am grateful for all the people who have been part of my life and given to me. I once heard someone say, "I am a mosaic of all those I have encountered." We take pieces of everyone who has crossed our path and we incorporate them into ourselves. For this reason, the ones we love are always with us, supporting us, and helping us become exactly who we are meant to be.

With a little help from those around me, I am something Beautiful

I will continue to grow and change as I build myself up from my all-time low. With each person, there will be a new lesson, and hopefully, a journey filled with fun as I figure out who I am now.

It's a process

In the past few days, I have been through every emotion known to man. I was devastated, hopeful, forgiving, happy... and everything in the middle. Some days I believe I am moving in the right direction, and other days, it's like I have gone backwards. I struggle to forgive, to move forward. Yet, I am determined to keep going. After losing everything... my confidence, my security, my boyfriend, my best friend... I have no where to go, but up. Happiness is a process. It comes and goes with the seasons. While we do the best to capture it, it slips through our fingers. Instead, all we can do is create our own happiness, which is exactly what I am working to do. It's a new school year, a fresh start. Everything is different, including me. Nothing from the past has to be carried into the future unless I decide that I want it there, and I am only bringing the good things with me.

Forgive... And FORGET!

It's time to forgive. I spent a long time living in a house where I was unwelcome. I spent a long time being hurt by people who I thought cared about me. I spent a long time taking everything personal because for a long time, everything was personal. Yet, it is time to let go. That part of my life is over and while it is very much a part of me, it is does not define me. I went to church for the first time in months and it was surprisingly nice. I had a part in what happened over the last year, whether I care to admit it or not. Still, it is time to move forward. In order to do that, I need to forgive not only all the other people who played a role, but I need to forgive myself. Even more importantly, it's time to forget. Obviously, i will always remember what happened. I can't just erase it from my memory, but the worst thing I can do is re-live my bad experiences over and over. Instead, it is time to start making new memories, which I began immediately. I went to the Rihanna and Kesha concert. It was incredibly fun and rather funny. I laughed at the strange outfits and the ridiculous people. I sang along with the music and danced. By the time it was over, I went home completely exhausted, but I felt good. While I may not have totally forgiven everyone or everything that took place the past year, I am working on it. I know that it is more than okay for me to move on and enjoy life. I also know that there a lot of people who are by my side, ready to enjoy things with me.

Do Anything

After a ridiculous day, today seemed impossible. I didn't want to talk because I wasn't sure I would like what I heard. I didn't want to get up because I didn't think I'd like what I'd see. I wanted to sit on couch and wait for the day to move by. Instead, my sister dragged me away, literally forced me to shower and took me to lunch. It was hardly worth the effort of moving. Yet, I feel better. I feel accomplished. I still cried a bit today and moped around more than necessary, but with my sister's help, the day didn't totally pass me by. I am also realizing that I am in control. I have ups and downs but ultimately how the day goes is my choice. Sometimes it's easy to control and sometimes it takes work. Tears aren't always a bad thing. Crying is a huge release.. of angry, hurt, and sadness. The more I cry, the more I move on. I can literally feel myself letting go. I might need to cry a million more times before I am finally able to let go of all that has happened, but every day, I get closer. I know that happiness is not that far away. All i need to do is find the strong girl I used to be. The rest will fall into place.

Picking up the Pieces

"Every action has consequences."  I'm pretty sure I've heard that at least a hundred times to date. Today, more than ever, I believe it's true. I felt so empowered after talking and opening up that I thought I wanted to keep going. Instead, I've found sometimes you don't want the answers. You want different answers; you want different outcomes. Things don't always work out that way. Sometimes it really is best to just accept the hand you're given and play cards. We all have limits and we all have breaking points. I think I have reached mine. I have been through more than I care to admit, but I swore I had more drive and more determination. By pushing for answers, I pushed myself right over the edge. After about 6 hours of crying, I have decided that pushing yourself higher, harder and farther than you're actually capable of handling is a really stupid idea. You are going to crash.

As I'm sitting here, only a few things come to mind. The main thought is that I am mad. I am so unbelievably and uncontrollably mad. If I was a cartoon, I'm pretty sure my face would be red and steam would be pouring from my ears. I'm mad at myself for allowing so much to beat me down, for losing sight of who I used to be. I am angry with the past roommates for how they treated me and for stealing so much of my confidence. I don't like people in love because I don't have that anymore and they are flashing it in my face. Even more, I am so mad at the people who gave up on me. That part hurts the worst.

Yet, while everything is getting me down, I refuse to let it take me all the way. I keep reminding myself of what I do have. I have a great family who has not stopped supporting me for second. They give up their days to sit with me and help me plan my next step. I have a few very good friends who sit on the phone with me til 4am because I'm too sad to sleep. I am also making the most wonderful friend as become closer through our unfortunate experiences. I am making plans with her and sharing secrets. We cry, we laugh, we complain. For a few moments, it's easy to believe that I am not alone and I will be happy again soon.

I know that I should be so thankful for what I do have and one day, I think I will fully appreciate it. Right now, I am cold, angry, and bitter. So, I guess all I can do is keep searching; and maybe one day, I can forgive the world for dealing me this hand.

Talk. REALLY Talk.

Yesterday I surrounded myself with friends. It was so hard for me because I just wanted to sit and cry. I spent the day catching up with people from school and making plans for the year to come. A piece of me is really looking forward to having some new adventures on campus. An even bigger piece wishes that I didn't have to go on these adventures alone. Either way, I plan to take the city by storm, a surprisingly powerful thought.  As I sat, I not only listened, but talked. I mean, I really talked. Before, I only shared the details of my struggles with a few very close friends and loved ones. Yesterday, I decided that could change. Like I said last time, I am going to change and grow. Accepting my year of never-ending struggle is the first step. It's a part of me, a part of my past, and a part of who I will become. I can either let it beat me down, or I can look it straight in the face and move on. Obviously, this is easier said than done. I just keep telling myself that I cannot change the past, but I do have control of my future. I might not believe yet, but maybe if I hear it enough times, I'll start. It isn't healthy to hold bitter memories, wish and wonder. It's silly. It's been one day since I set out on this journey, but I am already kicking myself for not talking about things a year ago. I guess all I can do is talk and embrace the ease with which the words flow. Who knows, maybe I'll make some great friends along way. One thing is for sure, I am eternally grateful for the people who never left my side. I really do love you all.

Just the Beginning

A good friend of mine said, "Things have changed for me, and that's okay. I'm not the same person that I was last year, last month, or last week even." Those two sentences have never rang so true. And yet, they have inspired me to keep changing. The last year has been anything but easy. Every time I start to move forward, I find another obstacle standing in my way. I lived in a crazy environment, with girls who were way too wild for me. After leaving, I fought with and nearly lost a great friend. Only upon solving that problem was I greeted by a broken heart, and a whole new set of challenges. This is where I currently stand.


So, I am setting out on the road to self-discovery.