Picking up the Pieces

"Every action has consequences."  I'm pretty sure I've heard that at least a hundred times to date. Today, more than ever, I believe it's true. I felt so empowered after talking and opening up that I thought I wanted to keep going. Instead, I've found sometimes you don't want the answers. You want different answers; you want different outcomes. Things don't always work out that way. Sometimes it really is best to just accept the hand you're given and play cards. We all have limits and we all have breaking points. I think I have reached mine. I have been through more than I care to admit, but I swore I had more drive and more determination. By pushing for answers, I pushed myself right over the edge. After about 6 hours of crying, I have decided that pushing yourself higher, harder and farther than you're actually capable of handling is a really stupid idea. You are going to crash.

As I'm sitting here, only a few things come to mind. The main thought is that I am mad. I am so unbelievably and uncontrollably mad. If I was a cartoon, I'm pretty sure my face would be red and steam would be pouring from my ears. I'm mad at myself for allowing so much to beat me down, for losing sight of who I used to be. I am angry with the past roommates for how they treated me and for stealing so much of my confidence. I don't like people in love because I don't have that anymore and they are flashing it in my face. Even more, I am so mad at the people who gave up on me. That part hurts the worst.

Yet, while everything is getting me down, I refuse to let it take me all the way. I keep reminding myself of what I do have. I have a great family who has not stopped supporting me for second. They give up their days to sit with me and help me plan my next step. I have a few very good friends who sit on the phone with me til 4am because I'm too sad to sleep. I am also making the most wonderful friend as become closer through our unfortunate experiences. I am making plans with her and sharing secrets. We cry, we laugh, we complain. For a few moments, it's easy to believe that I am not alone and I will be happy again soon.

I know that I should be so thankful for what I do have and one day, I think I will fully appreciate it. Right now, I am cold, angry, and bitter. So, I guess all I can do is keep searching; and maybe one day, I can forgive the world for dealing me this hand.