Because Late at Night, I Cry...

One day, I dream of getting things right. Yet, I find that the harder I try, the harder I fall.

You know how many fun stories you hear about "When I was your age, I did...." Sometimes, I can't help but wonder what kind of stories I am going to tell. I can't imagine that looking back, I'll have great stories about my college experience or the friends I made (but then lost). When I think about how these are supposed to be "the best years of my life", I'm so scared of what is still to come.


My major problem is that I am still so hurt. It has been about a year since I put all of roommate struggles in the past, but for some reason, I can't seem to completely let them go. I don't understand how people can say they are my friends but then give up on me. Or, even worse, use the fact that they helped as a way to gain something in return. I'm beginning to wonder how many people truly care about me and how many just want to benefit off their good deed. I realize that everyone has their own battles, but sometimes it feels like my current fight is never going to end.

Some days, I just want someone to come along and tell me how to make everything alright. Yet, I know better than that. I know that I need to fight my own fight, and make peace with my own devils. Late at night when I get too tired to be strong, I crack and the tears come pouring out. It's at these times that I fight to remind myself that, eventually, I will get things right. I will be happy once more.

Two for One!

Topic One: Such a big fear.
I am getting closer and closer to student teaching. As summer begins to end, I am getting more and more nervous about student teaching. I'm not actually worried about being the classroom. I know that I can handle that part. I've been working hard, learning lots, and practicing speaking in front of groups. No, that's not the problem. I am worried about how much time I am going to have for myself. I am worried that between the lesson planning and grading, I won't have enough time to do the things I love or see the people I want to spend time with. I'm scared to be alone. I know that it is kind of an irrational fear but it's a fear nonetheless.
The problem is that in order to overcome my fear of being alone, I need to be alone. Yet, that means opening myself up to possibly losing some friendships. I think that I'm worried about student teaching because I feel that on top of the added stress from working, I'll be worrying about what I'm missing out on. Even so, I know this is something that I need to do if I am ever going to move forward with my career. With any luck, my friends will love and support me enough to stand by while I work through this time in my life. (But--- sometimes, I'm worried that I've used up all the support my friends had to give...)

Topic Two: Repercussions
Today, I've realized the importance of watching what you say. Sometimes, even a good humored joke can back-fire. I am the type of person who usually knows when I've done something wrong or when I've hurt someone's feelings. After joking with a friend from work, everyone (including the managers) call this boy "snuggle bug". He has a great sense of humor and he jokes right back. I didn't think much of it until he told me that his ex-girlfriend called him that and he was really hurt when they broke up. It doesn't seems to bother him, but I can only imagine how it might feel to hear that all the time if you are still trying to heal. I think this is a pretty decent lesson for me to be learning. Kind intentions don't always matter, because words (jokes included) can hurt.

A Moment of Piece

I needed today. I needed a day where I let go of the world, I let go of my fears, and I just live. I went swimming in my backyard and I went underwater. This sounds incredibly stupid, I know, but I don't go underwater. Ever. I think in the past 3 years, I might have gone underwater 3 times. I don't like how nasty my hair looks and feels when I get out of the pool. So I just float.
Today was different. I literally "took the plunge". Now, I can't say that this will be a regular habit for me, but on this one day, it worked.
Even more, I spent time with someone I have really missed. We laughed, cooked, swam, and talked. If there is one person to whom you have something you want to tell, I say do it. There is nothing more freeing than a deep conversation about the things you are usually too scared to say.
After a day of fun, I almost feel ready to face work once again.

A Pointless Reflection

Here's the truth... Life doesn't always work out the way you want it to, or even expect that it will. I was chatting with a girl from work. As it turns out, we went to high school together. I didn't know her but I knew several people that she had been friends with. Had I known her, I doubt we would have been friends. But, I really like her. I'm glad that I met her in a neutral setting so that we could get to know each other without outside influence. Our conversation eventually lead me to telling her about my awful living experience, as well as some of the things I was forced to endure.

While I was reliving my nightmare of a school year, I realized how few people truly stood by me. Tons of people were there through the fight, but shortly after it ended, they distanced themselves from me. There will always be a special place in my heart for them after all the support the gave me. Yet, the friends I had before my sophomore year and the ones I have now are probably 85% different. Some left for a while and came back. Others pop in and out unexpectedly. So few have faithfully reminded by my side.

As much as it hurts to realize the number of people that I lost, it hurts even more to think that maybe I lost them because I wasn't worth that much effort. Life is full of curve balls and if you can't rely on your friends, it's going to be an extremely lonely fight. Even a few of the friends who decided to stay, bring up how much they helped me. As if I could ever repay them? Nothing will come close to enough after all they've done for me. Not one million thank-yous. Not tons of presents.

I never pictured myself in this situation after the awfulness ended. I never saw myself having to create a whole new group of friends or spending my time trying to repay the few remained. I might have own the battle as I am no longer miserably living in the worst situation imaginable. But, I lost the war. A year has passed since I last engaged with my former housemates, but I still find myself picking up a missed piece now and again.

The only difference is that now I know I can do it. I know that I will make it. Somehow, everything will work itself out. It may not go the way I hope it does, but I am so much stronger. I am able to rebuild my life, even if it means starting over.

Change it up!

Sorry for the long absence. The last week (ish) has been rather hectic. I took my teacher certification exam and after 4 hours of testing, my brain was mush! I'm super happy to have that out of the way though!

Recently, I've been doing a bit of thinking. My summer is far from ideal. I'd like to sit on a beach somewhere and plan for the classes I am teaching in the fall. Instead, I'm working like crazy, taking class, and being stressed out. I know that this will pay off in the long run, but it's really not working for me right now. So, I have decided that enough is enough. I am going to give myself the last month of summer to have the "vacation" that I want. At first, I couldn't justify quitting my summer job but I am young. I have the rest of my life to work. I need to use my summer time wisely. I'd like to travel, visit friends, and create lesson plans. The way I see is that there are a lot of productive ways to use this time; only one of which is working. If I plan now, I'll have more free time during the school year. Plus, once I get a full time job, traveling will be a little more difficult.  Maybe this is just me justifying my decision, or maybe I am actually making the right choice.

Regardless, I believe in doing what is going to make me happy. Complaining is not going to make me happier, but changing up my lifestyle (even just for a short time) will definitely help!

Share Love

How many people in your life don't know your story? I consider myself a pretty open person, and I'm willing to talk about most things. Yet, I have secrets. One thing I believe, without a doubt, is that we will never know the exact battles another person has faced. You can't look down on a person because you would do things differently. It is so easy to judge someone, but if you heard their story, you might change your opinion.

A brief example: I am not a drinker. This is one place that my anxiety really gets the best of me. I worry a lot, about myself and others. Yet, I know there is nothing wrong with having fun with some friends now and then. So, when I am out with a couple of close friends, I drink. I laugh and I get loud. I have to push myself to have fun. I'm sure that people who don't know me judge me for it, but I'm proud of myself when I can overcome this fear.

It would be so easy to look down on me for having a little too much to drink once in a while, but if you knew how hard it was for me to have fun, you might not think so poorly of me. Clearly, this is a small example; it's one that I am comfortable sharing. Yet, every person you meet has a story. Even if you don't know that story, you need to love and respect them. They are making choices that fit their lifestyle. It is the stories that we choose not to tell that really shape us. I believe that every person has one secret that if you knew it, that secret would break your heart. Instead of sharing your judgments, share your love.