Because Scars Remind Us

Not so long ago, I patched up my wounds. I've work hard to put myself back together and let the past be in the past. Then today, I felt my world crack open just a little bit. Suddenly, it was like the past wasn't that long ago and the pain didn't seem like it had faded at all. During the freshman (college) English class that I'm helping teach, the topic of bullying came up. My students didn't think that bullying was real. They don't know a single person who has been bullied and they thought that anyone who has been bullied must be a nerd.

In those moments, my carefully sealed scars burst open again. I found myself on the verge of tears, praying that my entire class wouldn't notice my pain. They asked if I could name a single person who has ever been bullied and I admitted that I had been bullied during college. While I left out most of the details, I did mention that it had cause me to stop eating. It was amazing to me that an entire class had thought it was the victim's fault for being weird enough to be picked on.

Perhaps I should not have said it, but I told my students that if they can truly admit that they have never been bullied or witnessed bullying, then they are probably the bully. Most people don't walk around intentionally hurting people, stealing lunch money, and tripping "nerds". It's subtle. Bullies hide behind their sarcasm, gossip, and followers.

I thought that I had moved beyond what happened to me. I thought I had patched up my scars. I thought I had overcome my pain. I was wrong. The second my students started talking about how bullying isn't real, I felt myself flashback to my life with my former roommates. I remember when one of the girls said "Why are you moving out? We've been nothing but nice to you." Either she truly did not know how she was treating me (stealing my food, trapping me in my room) was wrong, or she couldn't admit it to herself that she had had a hand in my leaving. Still, it made me question what type of students I'm working with. Are they honestly clueless? Are they scared to admit that they've been bullied? Are they the bullies? As I sit here thinking about the conversation with my class, I find myself hurting in ways that I haven't felt since before I moved out.

Counting Blessings

Sometimes I struggle to see the good in the world... I think most people probably know that about me by now. I realize that good is out there; I just don't always see it. The truth is that I'm okay with not being perfect. I'm working to make peace with my shortcomings. I'm fighting to be strong.

Still, on this day, I am reminding myself to count my blessings. Maybe we can say that I'm trying a new technique. Instead of giving into my anxiety, I am standing up to it. Will it work? I have no idea. I hope it does because battling my nerves for the past week is taking a toll on me. Frankly, I am tired... tired of hurting, tired of wanting to be "normal", tired of waiting for it to get better.

So instead of waiting, I am going to remind myself what is going well in my life. I am going to be grateful for all the wonderful people who have helped me become who I am. I am going to laugh with my friends and visit with my family. I am going to enjoy the weather, eat apples, and drink tea. Yes, I am going to force myself to be happy. It takes too much energy otherwise.

So, in this search for happiness, I am going to try to look at the happy things I already have!

Another Month Slips Away

Once again, I am surprised by how quickly the time has flown. It was a month ago that I posted about the heart-breaking rejection I received from my dream job. Since that time, I haven't posted anything. As I sit here staring at my blank computer screen, I wonder why the words aren't flowing from my finger tips the way that they used to...

I found today to be surprisingly challenging. Nothing in particular happened to make it difficult; it just was. I have been trying to figure out what it is that is bothering me. Still, I don't have an answer. Instead, I am sitting in a world of anxiety and looking for an escape. I know that it is just a matter of time before things get better, but waiting is the worse part. I am reminding myself that I used to go months feeling like this just for a day of relief. Now, I have months of happiness with a few random days of anxiety. Overall, it is a drastic improvement. Even though, in this moment, I do not feel "improved".

A Long Time... But Not Long Enough

It has been about two months since my last post, which means that life has been going well for me.  I started this blog as a way to cope with my anxiety and track my progress "finding happiness".  In the past two months, not every day has been happy for me, but I was happy enough with myself that blogging about the struggles seemed silly.  I felt that I was making steps towards positive change in my life.

Yesterday was a huge setback.  There really isn't any other way to describe it.  Last week, I interviewed for my dream job.  I'm not just saying this.  No, this is the job that I would have secretly wanted no matter where I was working.  There was so much about this specific teaching job that I loved and wanted.  However, I found out yesterday that I did not get the job.  There were three people left and I felt like all my struggles over the past years were finally paying off. Wrong!

Suddenly, I find myself angry, hurt, and disappointed.  I don't understand what exactly went wrong, but I feel like so much has.  I am just so sad.  I don't want to talk to anyone or do anything.  Sometimes I feel like I am being a little oversensitive, but I cannot help wondering when life is going to stop dealing me such bad cards.  I am honestly so tired of having my heart broken.

Rejection

It's that moment when your heart sinks and you fill the tears building up behind your eyes. It's that moment when you know your life did not take the turn you were hoping it would. It's that moment when you feel as if you have lots all hope.

Yes, this is what it feels like to be rejected. Whether you are rejected from a job, a lover, or friend, the feelings are pretty standard. You know that you deserve better because you have been a good person, a hard worker, and loyal friend. Yet, life does not always follow your plans. Sometimes, you look up and you realize that you have taken a completely wrong turn.

The real question is what can you do when that happens? Where should you go? How should you get back on track? At this moment, I am wondering if I need to get back on track at all. Perhaps, it is time for a change. I have no idea what that change might be or how to find out, but still, a change might be needed. Clearly something in my life is not working because I am sitting here as a college graduate with no idea where my future is going. I want nothing more than to find my way, but at this minute, I feel completely lost.

Butterflies

It has been nearly 2 weeks that my boyfriend has been abroad, and I have only talked to him a few times since he left. He comes back in just a couple days... and I could not be more excited to see him. Until he left, I did not realize just how much I talk to him throughout the day. We are always sending little messages to each other or calling just to tell a quick story. I feel like so much has been happening in my life since he has been gone and I want nothing more than to be able to share it with him! I know that he is going to come back with tons of stories and pictures of his adventures and I am looking forward to hearing about those memories. 

The strangest part about seeing him after so long is that I actually have butterflies. I am nervous/ excited to finally get to talk in person again. It feels like it has been ages since we last saw each other. I cannot even begin to imagine how wonderful his trip has been, nor am I used to having to fill him in a 2 weeks of my life. Regardless, I am so excited for the day that he comes home! 

There is nothing quite so sweet as seeing someone you love after a long absence. 

Confession

It's time to confess... I think one of my biggest flaws is that I can stand up for others, but not for myself. I used to think that in order to be strong, I needed to fight the battles of the weakest person in the room. I had to take their side, because if I didn't, who would protect them? The problem is that sometimes I am the weakest person in the room, and in those times, I do not stand up for myself.

I am all about taking a stance, having an opinion, and fighting back. I love arguing for a cause that I believe in, except when it is my own cause. I worry that if I lose my own battle, I am telling everyone around me that I am weak. I fear that I will embarrass myself. The last thing that I want is to appear helpless. So, I fight for those who cannot fight for themselves. Even if I lose, I did something brave by standing up for another person.

Right now, I find myself wondering what does it mean to truly be strong? What battles are worth fighting? When will I learn to protect myself?

Moments of Happiness

There are few things that I love more than getting caught up in a moment. We all have this idea that life needs to be big, wild, and exciting. However, I am finding that is hardly true. I think that it is the little moments in life that mean the most to me.

This weekend, I went up north with my family. We went kayaking down a small, shallow river. We didn't spend the entire time talking or laughing. Mostly, we just sat in our own little boats and enjoyed the view around us. It was nice being together and having no pressures in the world weighing on my shoulders. I felt very at peace with the people I love surrounding me.

Another one of my moments came to me on the way to a job interview. I had to drive about 2 hours to get there and my boyfriend volunteered to go with me. It was so nice to have someone supporting me the whole way there. It turned out to be a really interesting morning filled with adventure. We laughed, talked, joked, and worried together. Knowing that I am not alone made a huge difference.

The truth is that life does not need to be eventful all the time in order for you to be happy. Sometimes, it really is nice to slow down a little and look around. I think that I get so caught up in life that I forget to actually enjoy myself along the way.

Put Yourself Out There

Once upon a time, I had a friend who was in the service. We never saw each other, but we would chat a little from time to time. Mostly share stories, secrets, and fears. We would listen to each other complain and try to give helpful advice. It was during one of these chats that I came to realize I am full of good advice. The problem is that I can tell others all these good ideas, but I never actually do any of them them myself.

See, he was saying that he wished he could have more friends, and simply be happier. Only, everyone that he knows is shipped out within a few months of friendship, so he chooses to be alone rather than have to say goodbye. It was at this time that I said, "Put yourself out there. You might get hurt, but you'll be a lot happier for having tried."

The second that I hit send, I realized this advice can apply to just about anything. Mostly, this advice can apply to me. I hold myself back a lot. I worry that I might fail or that the journey might get tough. I say no, rather than giving it a go and ending up flat on my face. This is the exact opposite of what I should do. I know that I have written about this very thing before. However, right now, I am worried about growing up. I am worried about finding a job and starting a new life. I am worried about taking a chance.

I hope that by admitting my fears of the future, I will be able to face them head-on. I'm excited for all of these new adventures, and nervous, too. I am certain that everything will work out, but I know that I need to put myself out there. Even if I end up getting hurt along the way, I will learn a lot by simply having tried.

So Long College

Well, it is official. I am a Michigan Alum. From where I sit now, college is a thing of the past. I survived the work, the city, and bitch-roommates. I never have to return to that city without it being on my terms. I feel like I have finally made it and real life is just around the corner. I cannot help but wonder if I am going to miss it. Sometimes, I think I will, and other times, I cannot imagine having to go back to that time. Regardless, I've made some great friends and enjoyed my time with them. I am both incredibly excited and very scared for what the future has to hold.

Just a Bunch of Words

Once in a while, I find myself looking at my blank computer screen. I want to write. I want to tell the world just what I am feeling. I want to have something to say. The problem is that I don't. I don't know what to talk about, and yet, I feel the need to share what I am going through. Except that it is hard because I don't always know how.

It is a huge struggle for me to open up about what life is like living with depression and anxiety. Mostly, I fear being judged. I worry that people will think I am weak or that I just like to complain. Yet, I know that if I don't talk, it is never going to get better. If I am not willing to share the story and teach others, who will do it? I cannot blame the world for not understanding if I have done nothing to teach them how to understand.

So instead of giving advice or sharing my goals, I will remember that it is okay for me to feel a little defeated every once in a while. I will remind myself that like all things, this will pass. How is it that you pick yourself up when you are feeling down?

Pick a Side

There is no such thing as remaining neutral. It truly is not possible. When friends fight, people always take sides. Always. You can pretend that you aren't, you can continue to see both parties, and you can keep your opinions to yourself. No matter what you do, though, you end up picking a side.

So instead of acting neutral, pick openly. Choose someone. It hurts a lot less to know that you have been betrayed outright, than it does to find out after the fact. Speaking from personal experience, my unfortunate roommate situation has caused a divide in friends. People picked sides. Some left entirely, I suppose you could call them "neutral" but i tend to think of them as casualties. They are completely not part of equation anymore. Out of those who stayed, some chose my side and some chose the other side. I'm okay with that. I realize that I am not entirely blame less. I did pack up everything and disappear without any warning. However, had I stayed, I don't think I would have survived the rest of the school year. The point is not about who is right and who is wrong. The point is that it is impossible not to choose one person over another.

Forget about lying, forget about pretending, and forget about "sparing feelings"... pick your side and be ready to defend your answer. When it comes to friendships, choose wisely. A fall-out is always close at hand.

A New Goal

Recently, I have found myself wondering what it is about race, religion, gender that gets everyone so riled up. How is it so easy to look down on another person simply because they are different? Someone told me that I am not allowed to yelling in public because it will not make me look tough. It will make me look like a crazy bitch. Well, excuse me. After hearing this, I couldn't help but wonder if I allowed these weird little ideas about "how life should be" influence my opinions about other people.

I don't think that by yelling I am going to come off like a crazy bitch. I think it's more about what I yell. Just like if a man starts freaking out of ridiculous things, he will look like a crazy bitch, too. Yes, I totally think that both genders are equally capable of being bitches. The truth of the matter is you have no right to judge me. You do not know anything about me. (Same as I have no right to judge you.)

What is even more, race is so meaningless. Guess what? My skin is white. Does this make you like me more? Does this make me nicer? Smarter? Crazier? Trashier? How the heck should you know? You haven't met me. You have no idea what I am really like. The color of my skin literally says nothing about the content of my character. The truth of the matter is you have no right to judge me. You do not know anything about me. (Same as I have no right to judge you.)

Religion is something that really gets under my skin. I love believing in a higher power, thinking that there is a bigger reason to be a good person. I love when other people believe in something, too. I am all about having your faith. However, your faith is something personal. Do not tell me that I am wrong because I don't think the same way that you think. The thought of using religion to pass judgment on another person is absurd, and yet, it happens all the time. The truth of the matter is you have no right to judge me. You do not know anything about me. (Same as I have no right to judge you.)

Honestly, if all judgments were left out altogether and we simply took the time to get to know each other, the world would be a much better place. This is my current goal. I hope to spend less time judging others and more time making new friendships.

Pieces of the Puzzle

Over a year ago, I set out on a journey. I promised myself that I would find out what it means to be happy. I knew that if I looked hard enough, I could figure out what type of things brought me happiness. What I didn't know was how long the journey was going to take. See, I believed that if I could just find myself, I would be happy. The truth is that I was wrong. Knowing who you are is only half the battle. It is even more important to know who you want to become and what you need to do to get there. 

Upon meeting someone new, I was called "the nicest asshole in the world." At first, it sounds terrible and I admit that I was fairly hurt by this comment. It wasn't until the comment was explained that I came to realize, I sort of like it. Apparently, I am super kind and fun, but the second you cross the line, I am going to call you out on it. I cannot say for certain that this is the type of person I am, but it is a person I hope to become. The idea of sticking up for myself and others makes me feel like I am doing the right thing, like I have a purpose. Maybe I am not always the one to put a jerk in their place, but I am working on gaining enough confidence to do this more. 

Even more, I am learning what I need from life, not just what I want. I need close relationships (friends, family). I need people to turn to in times of trouble. I like to think that I can take on the world all by myself, but I cannot. Yet, instead of constantly asking for more, my goal is to give back. I would like to be the shoulder for them to cry on or the smile for them to share good news with. I worry about losing these wonderful people... because without them, my life would crumble. So, I ask for help when I need it and give support when they need it. I am working to constantly remind them how much their love means to me. 

Today I realized that my journey to happiness is never really going to be over. Happiness is simply being happy in our own skin. It is a matter of constantly improving, taking what you need from life, and giving back to others. I cannot say that I am happy, but I truly believe that I am on the right track. To all those who continue to love and support me through this process, thank you!

Break away from the crowd

Perhaps, I am not like most people, but I do not understand the purpose of St. Patrick's Day. In theory, I know that we are celebrating the life of a Saint, but honestly, why does everyone drink themselves into oblivion simply because of the day? I enjoy having a few drinks with my friends and laughing at not-so-funny jokes just at much as the next person. I like being social and hanging out at get togethers. Yet, this day stresses me out beyond belief. 

Maybe it is just the college life that I'm not understanding. It's possible that in the real world, things are not like this. However, yesterday was probably the most drunk-filled day I have ever witnessed. Instead of joining in, I spent time with a few close friends inside the apartment. Sure, I walked down the street and said hi to a few random friends, but for the most part, I did not partake in any St. Patrick's Day festivities. Honestly, I am happy about it. I don't think that people should do things simply because everyone else is doing them. Life should be about making yourself happy, not making others happy. I feel much better that I did the type of things I enjoy. I laughed, I joked, I chatted, but mostly, I made myself feel safe. 

Now, I am not saying there is anything wrong with going out and having a good time. Far from that. More, I am saying that it's only okay if you are doing it for you. Every once in awhile, it is okay to break away form the crowd and do your own thing. Who cares if others don't understand? As long as you are happy, that's what really matters.

The Importance of Faith

I have been noticing that my mood seems a little sad lately. When I look back at the types of posts I have written in the past month, I just don't feel like I have been happy. For as long as I can remember, I have been an axioms person. I think you all probably know this by now. However, I used to consider myself a happy person as well. It is for this reason that I cannot stop thinking about this change.

I have never been a big promoter of religion. Don't get me wrong, I very much believe. However, it is not my place to tell another person that they must also believe. No, I think religion is supposed to be a personal choice and if you don't believe in anything, that's okay with me.
With that being said, I know I will probably turn a few people off to reading this post. My point is not to encourage religion. My point is to encourage having faith in anything. You can choose to believe in yourself and your own abilities, or you can choose to believe that people are inherently good... Or, you can choose to believe that ice cream can fix any problem. As long as you have faith in something, I think that is part of where happiness comes from. It is this idea that we able to face whatever happens in life. Knowing that the world (or our problems) are not too big to be tackled, this is what I mean by "having faith."

For me, it helps to think that there is a larger reason to the struggling, that some grander plan is falling into place. Yet, I know that not everyone feels this way, and that's okay with me. Even still, I like to think that I am not facing the world alone. I like to look up and feel as if someone is there helping me along the way. Yes, having a little faith is what helps me.

What helps you to get through the day? Where do you put your faith?

Playing the Victim

I think it's safe to say that at some point in our life, we have all "played the victim." We have all let a bad situation beat us down and we allowed ourselves to feel hopeless. Yes, I know I am just as guilty of this as the next person. I often find myself asking, "Why is life so much harder for me? Why do I have to try to enjoy myself? Why aren't I as happy as everyone else is?" I fully admit that there are times I play the victim.

I don't always mean to do it. Sometimes, I don't even realize that is what I'm doing. I find that there are days when I truly believe I was dealt a bad hand. If you ask me (and I'm just going to assume you actually want my opinion right now), it's okay to admit that you have a losing hand. We can't be winners all the time. No matter how nice it would be, we cannot expect everything to go according to plan. Sometimes, we have to take a step back and decide how we are going to play our losing hand. As cliche as it sounds, sometimes, we really do have to make the most out of a bad situation.

Because I often find myself feeling down, I have started to think of ways to handle how I am feel, rather than simply getting through it.
1. The most important thing is to acknowledge my feelings. Whether I admit them to a friend or I silently tell myself, I know that I need to accept the way I am feeling. Those feelings are not going to go away just because I refuse to believe they exist. Instead, it is healthier to face them head on. It seems that simply pulling those feelings to the surface, seeing them for what they are, helps me. It takes the pressure off. I don't have to pretend to be something that I'm not.
2. I try to change my mood (not ignore it). Rather that act like everything is okay, I think about the things that really are okay. Literally, I will sit and count my blessing. It definitely makes a difference to remember all the good things in my life rather than focus on the bad. I am a very blessed young lady and when I take time to think about those blessing, I usually realize the bad things in life are rather small in comparison.
3. When all else fails, I talk. I call my mom or close friend. I talk myself through my feelings. I explain why I think the world is unfair to me and I let every negative part of the situation go. I know that I can't always do it on my own so I turn to those around me. The world is not a bad place and I am not always the victim. Keeping my loved ones close reminds me that I am not fighting alone. I have people to support me. Knowing that makes a great deal of difference.

Regardless of how or why you feel the world has wronged you, it isn't worth allowing yourself to be consumed by those feelings. Playing the victim is not the answer. I know this first-hand. Instead, take charge, make a change, and remember that you are loved.

The Truth Behind the Tears

Once upon a time, I had the most perfect childhood. I laughed, smiled, and played. Life was easy enough and I was a truly happy person. When I tell my friends about what my life was like, people often ask me if I realize how lucky I was. The answer is yes. I know that I am very fortunate. What I don't think people understand, though, is how much living this perfectly comfortable life has cost.

Recently, I started thinking about the person I was growing up and what exactly made that life possible for me. I think I was so happy because I didn't know that I had anxiety. (I was still over-the-top anxious all the time, but no one told me.) I thought it was normal to be scared to have sleepovers with a friend or to go on vacation with someone else's family. So, I just didn't do those things. I saw no reason to do the things that scared me. I only did the things that sounded fun, safe, and easy.

Looking back, I wish I would have challenged myself a bit. I wish I would have known that anxiety was causing me to be afraid, and I wish I would have stood up to that fear. Sometimes I wonder if life would be easier now if I would have done "scary things" then. I'm not afraid that I won't be able to do them. I know I will because quite honestly, I'm not about to settle. It's just that it would be nice to make a choice simply because I feel like doing something. I hate having to weigh the odds or question all the details. I hate the feelings of fear that swell up in me every time a "scary" opportunity presents itself. Sometimes I just want to be able to say, "yes, I'll go away with your family." It's hard to always feel different, to feel like no one understands, to feel that in some way I am a failure.

More than all of that, I feel guilty. Saying no or admitting I am scared seems as if I am telling my friend that I don't trust them or I don't want to spend time with them. None of that is true. I cannot control when the anxiety comes, but the second it shows up, it crushes me. My heart pounds, I have a hard time breathing, my body gets shaky and cold, and I feel a sense of incapacitating fear. My brain says that the feelings are completely illogical, but my body says the situation is a threat. Usually, I end up hurting someone I love, even though it is entirely unintentional.

I know that everyone has their problems and I know that I am very lucky in a lot of ways. Even still, I can't help but wonder what life would be like if this wasn't my problem. I hate that I miss out on so many fun things, but even more I hate that I hurt so many people in process of alleviating my anxiety.

A Rather Down kind of Day

I suppose it is normal to wake up and feel off. I suppose every once in a while I am going to have a sad sort of day. I suppose it is okay. Yet, I wonder what it is that caused me to wake up feeling anxious. I woke up strangely early considering I have nothing to do today and I am still incredibly tired. My heart is beating a little too hard and my hands will not stop shaking. I have this weird need to not be alone, but I seriously do not want to talk. I would just like someone to sit next to me, be with me through this. It's been a fairly long time (at least compared to how often I used to be anxious) since the last time I was anxious enough to have it interfere with my day. It feels like a huge setback. I just want to get over this ridiculous anxiety problem that I have, but no matter how hard I work, it creeps back into my life.

So, as I sit here I am wondering, "What will help me to feel better? How can I move past this?" Sometimes, I worry that I require more love and support than people are prepared to give. It is the worst feeling having to ask someone to come sit with me or to go for a walk with me. I get worried that I am going to run out of favors and people will finally start telling me "no." So instead, I plan to hide and wait for the anxiety to pass me by.

A Step in the Right Direction

Recently, I cannot help but think about how little time I have left in college. Of course, this is very exciting to me, and surprisingly, it is very sad. I always thought that after the struggles I faced here, I would be so quick to grab my degree and hit the road. Instead I am finding that I want to try just about anything before I leave.

So, this semester, I am dedicating my time to trying new things. I signed up for a hip-hop class. I am terrible, super awkward, and having a blast! I don't think that I will ever be good at this type of dancing, but I am learning a lot about myself in the process. I think this class is really pushing me out of my comfort zone. It is making me embarrass myself and be okay with it. I am learning to move a little more purposefully, and I am making new friends. Even though I am probably never going to use this skill later in life, it is kind of neat to say that I have it.

Yet, this is not the only new skill that I am attempting to learn this semester. I am also taking a painting class. If I am bad at hip-hop, my painting skills are somewhere in the negative number range. There is nothing quite as sad looking as my art. Still, I love it! Painting is so relaxing. It allows me to escape from the every day pressures of life. It is something that I can see myself continuing with as I get older. With any luck, I will get better and actually be able to paint something amazing. I would love to give my art as gifts, just not any time soon!

I want to look back at school and say, "Well, it was an experience!" I finally feel like I am enjoying school. It took long enough, but I am glad that I've made it to this point.

My Worst (and best) Trait

For as long as I can remember, people have been telling me that I wear my heart on my sleeve. At first, I disagreed. I liked to think that my heart was buried so far down that nothing could hurt me. I used to believe that I was tough, I had a rock-hard exterior, and I didn't let anyone in far enough to break me. See, whenever I heard that expression, it was never meant as a good thing. It was like telling someone, "you are too emotional." Or, "you should really stop caring what others think so much."

So, as I got older, I came to realize that I do indeed wear my heart on my sleeve. When you say something mean to me, it hurts. And that pain is clearly written across my face. I guess in some ways this does make me too emotional. Because yes, I overreact sometimes and I cry a lot more than most people. I might even try to hurt you back if you succeeded at hurting me bad enough. I am not always great at control how I feel. I definitely take things personally. My mom tells me that I'm sensitive, but realistically, I am just wearing my heart on my sleeve.

BUT-- you want to know what? I'm okay with it. Being upfront with how I feel as allowed to live more completely. When I am hurt, you know it. When I am happy, you know it. And when I love you, that's right... you know it! I don't mind all my crazy up and down emotions. In fact, I kind of like them. I do not want to go through life without experiencing it. I have no intention of being numb to the world. I want to feel, learn, and grow. I know that because my heart is on my sleeve, it is more likely to be broken. Yet, it is also more likely to be filled with love. While getting hurt is a horrible feeling, we can only find happiness if we are truly willing to put ourselves out there.

Challenge Yourself

Finally, I am almost done with college. I am in my final semester of school and so close to being an adult. It is a great feeling. I love that I have come this far. Yet, I realize that I am about to leave this very cool city forever. Something about that idea kind of scares me, like I am no longer a child. So, I have decided that I am going to work on doing new things and enjoying myself at school. 

Obviously, this is going to be a little bit more difficult for me than it is for most people, but I am not going to give up. For the first time this whole semester, I am making weekend plans, going out, seeing new people, trying new restaurants, and attending different events on campus. For the first time in a long time, I am actually kind of excited to see what school has to offer me. 

Last night, I went to the bar to visit an old friend. He graduated two years ago and I rarely get to see him, especially because I am hardly ever here on weekends. This time I was around and got to spend the evening catching up. Tonight, I am going to a friend's house for a party. This is not exactly the weekend I am used to, but it seems like it will be worth giving it a shot. 

Now, I might not be the best at this whole "college-kid thing" but I am figuring out ways to step out of my comfort zone and enjoy the time I have left. If it comes down to it, I want to be sure that I did everything I could to start liking school. I don't want to look back and realize that I missed out. This semester is all about challenging myself and pushing myself to enjoy every minute that I have left here at school. Something about taking control of my life feels very empowering. I am finally ready to take control of my own happiness. 

Keep Going and Keep Improving

Long after your energy runs out, long after your heart breaks, long after your eyes burn, you must keep going. Life is not always easy, and it is hardly ever fair. If I have learned anything recently, this is it.

So here's to the people that never give up. Here's to the ones that work until they can't see straight anymore. Here's to the friends that have continued loving long after it stopped being deserved.
Yes, here is to a new year and a new start! Here is to being the person you've always wanted to be.

It seems that I go through phases of writing a lot and then not writing for a while. I switch between happy and unhappy so quickly that sometimes it's even hard for me to keep up. Yet, I believe that is important to set goals and work on being a better person. This year I want to work on loving myself for who I am and becoming the person I am meant to be.
Now, I don't know exactly what this goal means. Obviously, I want to learn to be happy and enjoy where I am. I want to stop worrying so much. I want to laugh when things are funny and cry when they are sad. I want to spend time with the people I love. Mostly, I want to find out what it is that I was made to do. I know that there is more to life than I have been allowing myself to live. This year I hope to focus on happiness. Finding it, creating it, and sharing it with others.

I believe that life is what we make it. I continue to grow stronger every day, and I am so proud of how far I have come. It is only a matter of time before I am back to my old self. Happy New Year!