Weirdly Beautiful

Last month, I swore that I was going to find the beauty. I really believe that life is only as good as you make it. I have spent far too long worrying, and not enough time enjoying myself. I am halfway done with college. I am so close to being a real person with a real job and a real life. I have two more years before I am no longer a kid. Don't get me wrong, I realize that if I color on the walls, I am far too old to get a timeout or be sent to my room. However, I am not really on my own yet, either. I don't pay for everything I buy, I don't have my own insurance, and I don't have my own home. For these reason, I still consider myself a kid. So before I have to run out and get all responsible, I should probably focus on loving this "care-free child time."
Recently, I have been noticing the beauty of words. Seeing as I already love English, this wasn't all that hard for me. However, I think we take for granted the funny things people say. We forget to laugh; we forget to smile. We get so caught up in our own lives that we don't even stop appreciate the complete ridiculousness of people and their conversations. Here are some snip-its...

• I want to buy a child and have it walk on my back.
• Let's just not be her friend...
• I wish I was a lesbian so I could date her.
• Put on your party pants! It's your birthday!
• If I could date me... It'd be like... perfect!
• I think I'm going to be that "crazy ex-girlfriend." 
• If my husband cries at our wedding, it's off!
• We need to keep me a secret.
• He is a flaming ball of drama!

Now, I realize that I am hardly seeing the world for the actual beauty. However, I would like to think that I am noticing the beauty of the people within the world. When you strip away our strong exteriors, we are all the same. We are all just a little bit weird. And I like it.

Oh, the Irony...

Life does not slow down just because you want it to... In fact, it probably moves faster. This is something that as time goes on, I am determining to be more true. Life does not cut you a break just because you're tired. It does not leave you alone when you are too stressed out to function. I never used to believe in the saying "when it rains, it pours," but it is absolutely the truth. I literally feel like Humpty Dumpty. Every time I start to put myself back together, someone comes and pushes me off the freaking wall!

My academic life has drastically picked up over the last week with two projects, and reading an entire 400 page novel in the next 4 days. This does not include my regular workload, helping organize a water polo tournament on campus, and going to observe at a local high school. On top of that, my social life has gone crazy. Last night, I received a text message from my former boyfriend. He asked if we could work on a friendship. Seeing as my last post was about how exactly one month had passed since we last spoke, I couldn't help but think... "oh, the irony."

At first, I was almost excited. I had lost my best friend in the most abrupt manner, and the thought of having him back actually made me smile. Then, reality set in. I realized exactly what he had put me through. One week before moving back to the scariest place I had ever lived, he left. The most important boy in my life walked out on me because it was easier for him. I can't help but wondering if he even considered what that choice was going to do to me. I spent so much time putting myself out there and trying to make it work, only to be shot down. So, I finally got strong, turned myself around, and started down an alright path.

BAM !@&^#*   He comes back... irony.

Believe in Anything

One month. Exactly one month has passed since I became single. I have decided to take time to look back at how far I have come in that time. Truthfully, I am doing just fine. It surprises me how while I still get sad sometimes, I can pick myself and keep moving. This is not to say that I don't miss the past or wish things could have worked out differently, I do. However, I am finding out how strong I am. I can make it on my own and that is a really good feeling.
Previously, I wrote about living in a black and white world. This experience has taught me the need for the color gray. Sometimes, I am not happy, but I am not sad. I am not tired, but I am not awake. I am not right, but I am not wrong. Sometimes, I am in the middle. Sometimes, I am gray. I have learned that it is okay to just be okay.
I have been taking the time to take care of myself and I have learned a lot on the way, including the following:

• life is too short to waste time being unhappy
• the best way to spend time is with the people you love
• forgiveness is the key to happiness
• living in a little bit of gray is not a bad thing
• smile; happiness is the best revenge
• believe. just believe

"If you do the best you can, things will work out in the long run. It might be the very long run, but they will work out."

As Reality Sets Back In...

I cried today. I cried a big, never-ending stream of tears. I was disappointed in myself today. It has been a while since I cried over my broken heart. All I wanted was a hug. That is what brought me to tears. I was sitting in my room, looking around. I realized where I was now verses where I used to be, and I decided that I wanted a hug. Yet, no one was there to hug me. My family is home and I am at school. At that very second, I felt so alone. It was a new feeling, something that even in the awful house of last year, I never felt. I knew that I was not going through my struggles alone. This time is different. This time, I can't call up the boy and ask for a hug. I have no one to love me when I get lonely. That thought brought me to tears.

Yet, instead of spending the time wishing for a dream that will never come true, I have decided I need to wake up. He is never coming back. He will never be sorry for calling me hopeless or leaving me behind after I opened up about the scariest pieces of my life. There is a very good chance that we will never even speak again. This is something that I need to accept. No matter how much I want to pretend it isn't real, I do not have a choice. This is real.

I need to take the time to remember my own set of "Life Laws" and rule number 1 was to Be Myself and Love Myself. With that, I need to understand that my life has changed. I have changed. At the cost of sounding conceited, I am going to dedicate this post to myself, to the girl I was before and to the girl that I have become.

• I used to be strong. But, my tears are beautiful. My emotions give me a soft side.
• I used to laugh all the time. But, my experiences taught me to take certain things seriously.
• I used to have an opinion about everything. But, I've learned to "go with the flow."
• I used to keep my problems to myself. But, now I know it's okay to trust people.
• I used to wait to be approached. But, I don't want anyone to feel excluded so I move first.
• I used to like myself. But, I've found that I need to love myself.
• I used to think I was happy because I had him. But, I learned I can be happy without him.
• I used to think nothing could touch me. But, I know now that I'm not invincible and it's okay.
• I used to be happy all the time. But, my mood swings make me real.
• I used to believe in getting even. But, I found it's more important to forgive.

Moving on... any way you can.

(Image originally found here. Great blog. Check it out and see more photos.)

Bend OR Snap

"Bend, but don't break." I think the world forces us to be flexible. It is always changing, evolving. This is clearly a very hard concept for me. I like rules, and following the correct processes. I need a rule book for life. But, in a place where everything is changing, it's impossible to make set boundaries to live by.
After watching my life slowly "fall apart," I couldn't understand why things were happening or how to accept them. I wanted someone to follow me around and tell me, "react like this" or "do this" or "say this." I want some incredibly smart person to teach me the proper way to respond or to move on. It amazes me how strong people can be or how much they know when they aren't personally part of the situation. I can tell anyone how to behave or what to think, but the second things happen to me, I completely draw a blank.
Think about it. Your best friend breaks up with their significant other and asks for advice. Obviously, you tell them not to talk following the break up. You plan fun things to do together or ways to take their mind off the recent ending. Now, put yourself in the situation. All you want to do is talk to your significant other, to make it better, get back together. You want the pain to go away regardless of the cost. Yet, the only thing you can do is wait. Whether you fill your time with friends and family or you throw yourself into your work, you have to wait. You have to be ready to move forward long before you actually move on.
See, here is my problem. I am not flexible. I am not good at embracing change. I am not one of the people who can hold it together and keep going. I cry, I complain, I hurt. I break. I do not like when the comfortable and familiar become uncomfortable and unfamiliar. I don't know how to adapt. Currently, I am working very hard to close my eyes and leap into the unknown, ready for whatever is waiting. Realistically, I am probably more like tip-toeing towards it. I am slowly accepting that how things used to be, are no longer how they are. Yet, I am no where near accepting what currently is. The real problem is that I don't know how to bend. All my life, change happened slowly. I was ready for it. I knew when I would change schools and who would be going through it with me. I knew that once I got to college, I would have to study more and socialize less. I had time to prepare for all the major life changes.
Then last year, I stopped being prepared. I did not know that my roommates were going to treat me horribly, or that I would spent most of my year in panic. I had no idea that my best friend and I would have a huge fight. Worst of all, I couldn't imagine my boyfriend no longer standing by my side. My life drastically shifted when I wasn't even looking and by the time I turned around, I didn't recognize what I was seeing. There are still days when I don't even recognize myself.
If only I knew how to bend. If only I knew how to take things in stride or be flexible without warning. This is probably one of the most important things to know in order to have a happy life. Life is always changing. I am always changing. There is nothing that can last exactly as it is for the entirety of life. At some point, you are going to open your eyes and realize that things are different. The best thing to do is bend with them. Otherwise, the changes will break you. 

"Get Well and Move On"

It's been quite a few days since I last posted anything, due to my move back to Ann Arbor. It has actually been the most bizarre experience of my entire life. I decided to make friends with all my neighbors, only to find that my ex-boyfriend's frat brothers live next door.. Awkward! Then, the second they realized I am single, they all took turns individually to pull me aside and hit on me... More Awkward.
Clearly, those neighbors are going to be a bit of a bust so I wandered across the street. At first, they all seemed like super great guys until I found myself in the middle of an intense drug deal. Now, I am not talking about a little weed. No, this was a serious encounter with 'shrooms and a scale and a strange man that no one even knew. Of course, this resulted in a few ground rules. 1. Do not bring your drugs in my presence (no buying, selling, or being high). 2. Do not offer or pressure me in anyway. 3. Respect that I get uncomfortable easily and do not be offended if I leave unexpectedly. As long as I am left out of any situation that I do not feel okay to be in, I think these neighbors will be an alright way to kill a few hours now and then.
I am a completely different person...  If there is one thing that I have learned thus far, it is to keep your heart tucked down a little deeper. We have all been screwed over. Somewhere along the way, we have all been hurt, and hurt badly. I have briefly talked about my story, but today, we'll dig a bit further.
My parents always told me how unbelievably strong I was. I am a pretty small girl, but I could always take care of myself and I needed no one by my side. Then came the day that I fell in love. It was a pretty big deal for a girl like me, but I threw myself completely into the relationship. Like anyone, we had our ups and downs but overall, I was happy. Even in my unfortunate housing situation with "my crazies" (as they became known), I was grateful for something special and worthwhile to fill my life. It was only a few weeks ago when all of that changed.
Obviously, there are two sides to every story and I don't claim to be telling the perfect truth. I think the perfect truth lies somewhere between my version and his. For me, the break up came out of nowhere. We were happy. We argued sometimes, but we loved each other and that was what really mattered. He was my closest friend. He begged me to confide in him, to trust him with my problems, to allow him to help the way my other friends did. And I did. I went to him, confided, and trusted completely. He went to Florida with his family and got busy with vacation things. We hardly talked and I was sad. When he returned, it was over. Not over. Over again. He said he was tired of the problems in my life, tired of dealing with them, tired of being stressed out by me. He said he needed a stress-free year, which meant a year without me to deal with.
People need space and freedom. People also need love and support. So where's the line? When is there too much of one and not enough of the other? Which one of us was right and which one was wrong? According to him, it isn't worth it to sit around and wait for a girl who is never going to be happy again. If you ask me, you never give up on a person, especially if you love them and demand to share their burden. Weeks went by without any communication until I finally needed "the truth." He said he didn't want to toy with me, and he was just done. For me, it's simple: The boy I believed in gave up on me and left.

Really, this means only one thing. It is time to "let it go." 

This is something that I swore I would work on. It is also something that I need to continue to work on. I am far from perfect. I allow things to take me over. Rough times drive me crazy and eat me alive. With the situation described above, this will not be the case. I made a promise to myself that I would forgive him for his hurtful words, but remember him for his kind actions. Even after being informed that I was not worth it anymore, I told him that I was going to forgive. I should not put my time into anger. It needs to be about happiness and overcoming the obstacles in my way. I can't get back any of the time I lose while worrying, being stressed out, or feeling sad. I might be young, but I don't have the time to waste on being unhappy. And I am making changes!

Wicked Wednesday!

I think it is safe to say that at some point or another, we have all felt like this! Each and everyone of us has had our heart broken, toyed with, and played. When a couple breaks up, your own heart goes out to them.. at least, mine does. I have been oversensitive the past few weeks after having my former boyfriend change his mind 3 times about our relationship status, only to arrive back at the original answer of single.
I've always been a bit of a control freak. By that, I mean, I am a big fan of rules. Don't get me wrong, I do not like being told what to do, but I do like knowing is allowed and acceptable. Even more, I like being in control within that confined area. The rules make me feel safe. It has been said that boundaries fence you in, but I like being fenced in. Here I am in my own little world of security, where no one can touch me unless I allow it, and where I can't get in trouble unless I decide to break a rule. I guess it just makes life simple. I can stop worry about the "what if" moments and live... safe within my rule defined space.
See, for me, the world is black and white. Clearly, gray exists but I choose not to exist within that area. It makes no sense to me because it's the space that the rules don't apply. There are no right answers when you're in the gray, just options. That's kind of how breakups are. There is no rule book for how to breakup or move on. The choices are endless. Obviously, some are more mature than others, but the possibility for carrying out one choice over the other is completely equal.
While I am deciding to take a mature route by simply being polite at any encounter but having no contact other than the casual crossing of paths, I couldn't help but plot what my immature side might do. Even though, I will never carry out any part of my plan, it was a huge release to consider. Really, I suggest trying it. (Just don't follow through; you will regret it later)
Basically, I found these awesome cards at a local store. The outside contained the necessary message and the inside simply said, "That's all." How great would it be to deliver one of these every day until you felt better? At the very least, my (no longer) significant other would know how deeply he hurt me.

Check out more card options on their site, "That's all greetings". These were just a few of my favorites! Breaking up is not easy. It's not fun. It's hard to let go of someone who was once important, and even harder to let go of someone who is still important. Sometimes it's not up to you though. Sometimes all you can do is learn to cope and move on, no matter how impossible it seems.