Don't Dwell-- Change It

I cannot believe how quickly my life is moving. I have one year left in college. While I am pretty happy to have survived, a small part of me is a little sad to see these years slip away. I've been doing a lot of thinking about my past 3 years. The worst realization came over me late last night... I am alone here. If I am lucky, I will keep 3 friends from college. It's not that I don't want to keep in touch with more, but I just don't see it happening. Each year, I pop into a new group of friends and when the school year ends, I pop right back out. It doesn't even feel like my choice, more that is how things have been working for me. I find things to love about each group, but still, they don't seem to become a permanent piece of my life. This is my biggest regret.

So instead of complaining about how my life never seems to work out the way I want, I am going to do something about it. I have decided to make a bucket list for my senior year. I plan to fill it with the things that I must do before I leave Ann Arbor. Here are a couple...

1. Go to every museum on campus
2. Have a picnic in the arb
3. Paint in the graffiti alley 
4. Go to a comedy club
5. See a school production
6. Attend another drag show
7. Go ice skating at Yost
8. Pull an all-nighter to play with friends
9. Host a party
10. Take tons of pictures

(Suggestions are always welcome)

It's Time to Let Life In

My last week in Ann Arbor will be nothing but fun. My goal is to laugh and play as much as possible. I am celebrating a successful school year. Grades are kind of irrelevant to me right now. More, I am celebrating my successes as a person. I suffered an insane amount last year and built myself back up from nothing. I watched as my whole world crumbled to the ground, but I kept moving forward. Still, I wonder what people think when they hear my story. The problem is that it was a secret for so long that I actually don't know how to do the tale justice. Looking back on a previous post, I noticed that I had written...

"My scars are very real. They are hidden far beneath my skin, in places you will never be able to see. But, they are there and they hurt."

With every passing day, those scars are healing. They will never disappear completely but soon enough, I know that they won't be a battle. I am learning that I am the only one who is going to lose if I block out the world. It is for this reason that I am forcing myself to step out of my comfort zone. When I think about the last couple weeks, I have done some really cool things. I went to a drag queen show, sang karaoke, played trivia. If I am learning anything right now, it is that life is only as great as you make it. Until I figure out how to be happy with myself, no one else is ever going to be happy with me. I know I have a lot to offer the world... it's just a matter of figuring out what it is.

Fight For Me

Today is the first time I've been home in at least a month or so. My sister played a song for me that she heard on the radio. She said that it reminded her of me.

But I'm telling myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days,
I get a little bit stronger.

We talked for a while about how far I've come in the past couple months. I told her that I am still really sad about losing so many important people. I am beginning to wonder why every person tells me, "You deserve better. You deserve to be happy" right before they let me down. Yet, I know I'm stronger now. Those words don't make me cry anymore. Instead, I think to myself, "Yes, I do deserve to be happy... and I will be." The fact that I manage to get up every morning, smile, laugh, go out with my friends, and take chances says that I will be okay. My life is slowly falling back into place and I know it. I am still struggling to decide if I truly want to move forward or if I want to keep fighting. Either way, I know that I want to be someone worth fighting for.

A Million Unanswered Questions

I believe in forgiveness. I believe in making mistakes and learning from them. I believe in moving forward. Recently, I have found myself hurt in ways that I don't understand. So many people have walked out of my life and so few of them have walked back in. I wonder how I managed to get myself in this situation. I wonder what I did to deserve losing so many great people. I wonder how to make it all okay again. Yet, I know that I am growing from this.

So here's my question... When is it time to let go? When should you count your losses?

 I used to tell myself that it was okay to not be okay. I used to think that I was struggling so that I could learn to be the strength during someone else's struggle. I used to think that something better was coming my way. Now, I don't know. I want to keep fighting. I want to keep pushing through. But, I don't know how much more fight I have left in me. I am trying to decide if it is time to walk into the next phase of my life. Let go of the past.
Yet, I don't want to. I was happy. I liked the stage I was before. Is that enough? Does that mean that I should wait it out? Or should I keep going forward? What is the right choice? What is best for me?

I want happiness. I want to smile. I want to laugh. I want to love. When will that happen again for me?

Say, "Yes!'

Last night, I went out to a formal. At first, I wasn't so sure that I would have fun. I didn't know very many people and I actually didn't know my date that well, either. However, it turned out to be a great time. I made a few new friends and danced a lot. It was a beautiful night on the Detroit River. As much fun as I had at the formal, I loved looking around at the water. It reminded me of being home.

This was the greatest thing I have done for myself in a long time. It wasn't just going out with my friends and enjoying myself. It was more. I finally said "Yes" to an opportunity! I did something unexpected and out of the ordinary. It was a huge deal.

Word of Advice

“Look at you. You’re young. And you’re scared. Why are you so scared? Stop being paralyzed. Stop swallowing your words. Stop caring what other people think. Wear what you want. Say what you want. Listen to the music you want to listen to. Play it loud as fuck and dance to it. Go out for a drive at midnight and forget that you have school the next day. Stop waiting for Friday. Live now. Do it now. Take risks. Tell secrets. This life is yours. When are you going to realize that you can do whatever you the hell want?”

Stumbled upon this quote today. I feel like it's a sign. Normally, I don't believe in signs, but it's kind of like this was written to me. Let me tell you, I've definitely stopped living for Friday. Matter of fact, I've started living for myself. I recommend that you do the same. Go out and do something crazy. Trust me, it is worth it.

You Cannot Control Me

I prided myself on being blunt, up front, and "in your face". I believed that I would never let another person push me around, tell me what to do, or break me. After all I've been through, I am trying to bury my heart down deep enough that it will never be shattered again.

I have been spending my last few weeks of school searching for happiness... searching for myself. I go out with my friends every Thursday. It is the most fun I've had all year. I've met some decent people along the way and I've started to put myself out there again. So far, I have found that the fastest way right out of my life is to try to control me. There is nothing that I hate more than being told what to do, who I'm allowed to hang out with, and when I am supposed to respond to a text message. This is my deal-breaker. I am a smart, mature, kind young lady. I will love and respect you, but I ask that you give me the same in return. The second that you take away my choices, I will already be halfway out the door.

We all have our "thing", our insecurity, our fear. Mine is clearly the fear of losing my voice, and by default, myself. Whether it comes to my friendships or my relationships, I will not allow someone to take control of my life for me. There is no reason to force myself to deal with unnecessary stress of fighting to be heard. I tell myself on a daily basis that I am something worth having around and I deserve to be surrounded by people to see that about me. My life is slowly climbing back uphill now that I am demanding the treatment that I deserve. So, here is what I am saying... find your "thing". Figure out what is the one thing that you cannot live with and don't. Remove it from your life.

Inspired by Your 1 Deal-Breaker

Beautifully Broken

Chipped paint coming off a wall.
A shattered mirror on the bathroom floor.
The picture that fell off the night stand.

Upon first glance, these items all appear to be trash. Something worthless to be tossed to the side. Yet, they are not. Like most things, these broken items tell a story. Maybe it is only a short tale or maybe a much longer novel. Regardless, they have something to say. As I look around, examine my life from all angles, I realize that I am much like these broken beauties. The paint chips are tears, the mirror represents my heart, and the fallen picture is the piece of me that is left behind in a hurry.

So, I have to ask myself, "I am happy with the person I've become?" At first, my answer is no. I cry, I'm still mad, I was rejected, I worry too much. Yet, these are not the only things that define me. I love with my whole heart, I give more than I take, I laugh and smile regularly, and I care so deeply.

My scars are very real. They are hidden far beneath my skin, in places you will never be able to see. But, they are there and they hurt. Even still, I know that I am better for having suffered. I am better for having lost. I am better for having lived. I would never change my scars. I don't want to erase them. They are a part of me, and they are beautiful.

Perhaps now, I am looking for a purpose. I want to help others so they won't need to suffer alone, the way I did. I want my voice to reach them, to remind them that things will be okay one day. Sometimes, I wonder if my blog is my way of helping people. Secretly, I hope others read this and learn a little about how to make their own lives better (but I fear it is not the case). I want to fight for someone else in the way that I wish someone would have fought for me. I want to be that constant reminder that, "You are beautiful."

My Biggest Fear

My biggest fear is that I have become submissive.
I worry after spending a year without a voice, I've forgotten how to use mine.
I'm afraid if I don't protect myself, no one will.

My friends used to tell me that they wanted to be like me because I stood up for myself. No one could ever push me around. No one could hurt me. I wouldn't let anyone have that kind of power over me.
Now, the girl I used to be is a million miles away, and I don't know how to find her. I have become something completely new. I am not okay with it. Maybe I changed because I lived with emotionally abusive girls. Or, maybe it was because I gave up my own voice in exchange for what was best in my relationship. Possibly, I lost my voice due to my own insecurities. Whatever the reason, I am submissive and it's not okay.

Please Hear Me...

I don't know how to bring myself back to the girl I was before. I don't know how to love myself enough that I am willing to fight for me. I don't know how to put myself first and be okay with it.

So, my next goal- continuing along the lines of self confidence- is to put my needs first and be okay with it. I deserve to be heard just as much as anyone.