Staying Strong- While Falling Apart

As my return to school rapidly approaches, I am finding that my anxiety is also returning. I keep reminding myself that college is not a scary place. It's just school. You would think that being someone who loves learning, I would be excited about getting back in the classroom. Yet, I am not. The thought of school makes my heart race, my body shake, and my eyes water. This year, I am trying a new approach-- clearly, the last one did not work out.

It is my goal to control the anxiety before it starts to control me. I am beginning to find that it is easier said than done. The second that I started to feel like I was drowning, I went up north for a few days. I spent most of my time reading, which was a great way to relax. Even more, I have my first weekend of school pretty much planned. I have such a hard time sitting around at school with nothing to do. I plan to spend the first night there, but come home to spend one more weekend with my family before I get too busy.

I am finding that the best way to combat my anxiety is to keep making plans. The more I have to do, the less time I have to worry. It's when I really sit down to think that I find myself having panic attacks. Even with this new strategy, I have had 2 panic attacks this week. It is scaring the hell out of me. I don't feel like I have time to worry about my anxiety on top of school. I just keep telling myself that once I get going, my anxiety will settle down. Sometimes, I believe it.

Out of my entire college experience, I would like to truly enjoy at least one year.

Anxiety: A Traffic Jam, But Not a Dead End

Last night was completely awful. My mom promises that it was from the medicine I've been taking for my wisdom teeth. I'm not so sure. More than anything, I'd like to believe that I was so overly-anxious because I've been taking really strong painkillers for a week, but I just don't know.
I'm an anxious person. I've always been anxious and I will always be anxious. There's not a whole lot I can do about it. This is the hand I was dealt.
Sometimes, I let who I am get the best of me. I let my anxiety eat me alive. I sit by in tears and watch as my life starts to crumble. Truthfully, it's terrifying. This whole process is so horrific. Yet, I know that, deep down, it isn't going to beat me. My mom keeps telling me that I'm the strongest little girl she has ever met, and I believe her. There is so much fight left in me. Of course, there are days that I don't want to fight. I might have to slow down from time to time, but I won't stop. I refuse to give up on my dreams just because life got a little scary.

Anxiety does not, nor will it ever, define the type of person I am or quality of life I live. I have my own set of issues, but so does everyone else. We are all working hard to be the best that we possibly can. Personally, I could not imagine judging someone (or being afraid of them) for being diabetic, having cancer, or needing a cane to walk. So, please don't think less of me just because I worry far too much.

I don't like being this way. I would change it if I could. Yet, this is who I am. It's about time that I start learning to be okay with it.

Get Organized

There is nothing I love more than being organized. My mother would tell you that I'm messy, but I totally disagree. I don't have a place for everything in my room, and I don't always put things away when I am done with them. This is true. Yet, I am organized. I know exactly where everything is or how to find it. This is especially important to me when it comes to school.
I've done nothing for days. I got my wisdom teeth out and I've been completely useless. This is the first day that I am starting to feel better, which means, I am going to take a advantage of it. The first step is to buy a planner. Then, it's time to start chipping away at all the lesson plans I need to write, books I need to read, and worksheets I need to make.

This whole process of growing up is scary. I am finding it really cool that I am going to be in a classroom next semester, where I am actually teaching students. It feels like one step closer to real life! Yet, I can't help but wonder what I am going to do when I graduate? Obviously, I want a teaching job, but do I want to move far away from home? Is that the only option I am going to have? I won't put my life on hold just because I can't get a job in the place I want. I'm much stronger than that.
Still, I can't help but think that once this year ends, my whole life is going to be different. Which takes me back to my original point about being organized. I am a strong believer that if you have things laid out, you have an idea for what is to come. So I am laying out my senior year in hopes that when I get my own classroom, I will have tons of lessons, worksheets, and ideas. They will be sitting there waiting for me to use again.

See, I believe that you need to get your stepping stones ready. You can always stray from your plan, but it's always there if you need it.

Worth it in the End

After being out of town for the past two weeks, it's really great to be home. I love vacations, but living out of a suitcase almost killed me. Between catching planes, sightseeing, and entertaining others, I didn't have much time to relax. I loved California. It's so pretty there and the weather was amazing. Blue skies and sunshine! Then, up north with my family was tons of fun. I haven't played with my little cousins in quite some time. I forgot how much I missed them!

Recently, my stress levels have been sky high. (While it was easy to forget all about it on vacation, coming home to so much work has really made things worse.) I have so much planning I need to get through before school starts and my friends are starting to get on me for not having enough time to see them. Honestly, I am beginning to feel like people are expecting more out of me than I can give.
I am certain that I am about to sound conceited but I'm okay with it right now. I know that I am a good person. I have tons of flaws- stubborn, opinionated, forgetful- but I'm filled with good qualities... I'll stand up for you even if I don't agree with you, I work hard at my friendships, I'm quick to forgive (as long as you are sorry), and I will support you no matter what. It hurts more than anything when people can't give me that same kind of respect. I know that I have things to work on; I'm no where near perfect. Sometimes, I wish that I had more free time to do fun things. Yet, I like who I am now and I like who I am working to become. One day I know that all of my hard work is going to pay off. I like to believe that no matter how hard things get, it will be worth it in the end...

Bring on the Passion!

I am beginning to lack inspiration. It used to be that I walked through each day and my mind filled with endless ideas for my next post. I didn't write consistently but when I finally got the chance to sit down at my computer, I had tons to say. The words poured out of me, releasing every known emotion as they went. Now, I feel almost as if I've run dry.

It's weird, really. My inspiration hasn't just died when it comes to writing. I'm finding that every day activities seem to be lacking as well. I wouldn't say that I'm depressed again. It's a completely different feeling. It's almost as if I'm bored... My daily tasks don't seem to entertain me in the same way that they used to. I'm not excited to go places or see very many people. I feel like my life is lacking passion.

Now, I'm not expecting that someone sweeps me off my feet or forces me to dance in the rain. The people in my life are hardly to blame. Yet, I want something new and exciting. I'm ready to move on to the next stage in my life. As much as I like being a kid, I've outgrown it -- physically and mentally. I'd like to go out with my friends, drink, laugh, try new things.
When it comes to love, I don't want to be scared (him, either). I want to fall into each others' arms and kiss, with no intention of stopping. I want to feel loved for my flaws, not in spite of them. We should take the idea of being "best friends" to the next level -- with heartfelt compliments, love, and laughter.

Maybe it's good that I'm going on vacation for a week. Maybe I just need a break, to come back with a refreshed attitude. Regardless, I'm ready to be swept up in living. I'm ready for a little bit of passion