-In Loving Memory-

There is not a day that goes by that I don't miss you. Even though six and half years is a long time, it feels like yesterday. For the first time in years, I cried. I can't explain why this Christmas is harder than the rest. I wish you were here. There is just so much I want to tell you. Mostly, I got several A's this semester and I can only imagine how happy you would be. I can almost see you jumping around. After all the time you spent forcing me to like school, it's finally paid off. I miss the hour long phone calls. I'd love to hear what you'd have to say about my ex-roommates. I would give anything to see you again. I know that you are watching over me. You will always have a special place in my heart. I love you.

Rest Easy, My Friend

With Every Passing Day...

It's days like today that make me think I am lying to myself. Maybe I'm not better. Maybe I'm not stronger. Maybe I'll never be back to myself.

It seems like no matter how hard I try to switch back into the girl I used to be, I can't. I just get further away from her. I want to remember what it's like to fall asleep feeling excited for tomorrow. I want to remember what's it's like to stay up as late as possible because I don't want my good day to end. Those feelings are so far away for me.  They start to get closer, but only to tease me. Then, it's like they just slip through my fingers and disappear again.  Some days, it's like I can actually feel myself breaking even more.  That happens whenever someone else gives up on me. I shouldn't need the support of others, but I do. I don't want to be the only one believing in me. Yet, with every passing day, that becomes a little more true.

Requirement of Life: 3

In this crazy life, we often forget to be grateful. It's so easy to sit down and complain.  And when I wasn't looking, this blog transformed into the place that I come to throw a bitch-fit. If I have a bad day, or I start to feel lonely, I run to my computer and let the words pour from me. Looking back over the past months, I bet only 5% of my posts are happy.. if you can even call them that. Instead of finding myself through writing about my adventures, I wrote about the sad things and lived out the happy.  In a sense, my blog and my life became two separate worlds. Which brings me to my 3rd requirement of life: Celebrate the good (no matter how small).

• I am thankful for my family. It is impossible not to smile when they are around. There is just something about the jokes, conversations, and endless hugs that makes me better than ever.
• Today, my boyfriend stopped over. I haven't seen him in a week and opening my door to his smiling face made my heart melt. I've really missed the butterflies in the time we've been apart (even if a week is a short amount of time).
• My best friend is my hero. She literally comes to my rescue every single time something is wrong. She always knows just what to do to fix my bad days. I'll never be able to repay her, and still, I'll never stop trying.
• There is nothing better than a afternoon nap. For the first time in a while, I took a nap. I love that feeling of just waking up and realizing that you can lay in bed a little longer.

Where I've Been & Where I'm Going.

I don't know if I just have the "back to school blues" or if I am burnt out altogether. Or, maybe I am just really tired. Regardless, I feel nothing. I literally don't want to do a single thing. I got back from class and I would actually rather play with the split ends in my hair than do anything else. I thought about watching TV but that means using my brain to pay attention to the show, which is far too much effort. Then I considered taking a shower, but I need to take one in the morning anyway so it seems silly to do it now also.

As I sit here, I consider my progress. I've come a long way since this time last year. I am a much more put together person and I can finally appreciate the story I have to tell.  Although I don't tell my story often anymore, I pull it out when someone needs to hear about how even the worst of times can turn back around. It feels really great to inspire someone else in the same way that my friends and family inspired me. I know that I could not have made it without them. It's a lesson I never wanted to learn, but needed to know. I am a strong person. I always have been, but before last year, I couldn't admit it when I needed help. Now I realize that true strength means admitting that you cannot always do it alone. So, at the risk of holding on to this Thanksgiving holiday just a little too long, I want to say "Thank you" to all the people who pulled me back up when I was drowning in my messy life. You have a special place in my heart.
College has been an uphill battle for me, and it will be one that I continue to fight until the day I finally graduate. I've had small victories along the way. I've made a few great friends and taken a couple neat classes. My days are spent running around an artsy city that is filled with interestingly unique people. Yet, the war continues for me. It's odd, really. Even now, when nothing seems to be standing in my way, I have to remind myself of my purpose. Maybe that's what last year stole from me... my purpose. I know what I hope to do one day but I don't know how to get there. So, I constantly remind myself that the first step is graduation. When I finally get my degree, I am going to hang it on my wall, walk by it every day and say, "HA! You didn't beat me. I won!" And, I am going to remember that out of every bad experience comes something great. I am going to remember that with the help of the people who love me, I made something of myself. I am bigger and stronger than one bad year. Yet, for this small second of my life, I am going to play with my hair, sit quietly, and remember... where I have been and where I have left to go.

It's a long way down... And even longer way back up.

Ever have one of those days where you just don't want to get out of bed? That's how I'm feeling. For the first time since I arrived at college two and a half years ago, I slept through a class. Don't get me wrong, I've skipped class before. But, I was actually making the choice to skip. Today, I just didn't wake up. Now, I'd like to think that this was because my body was telling me, "Hey Lady, slow down!" I am too stressed out. School is out of control, my personal life is messy, I never give myself "me-time." I don't know how to put it all back together. Even the people that I care about seem to be let down by me. My greatest friend is no longer happy with me. He doesn't seem to worry about me anymore.  I don't know if I'm just in a funk or if I'm still broken. I would give anything to be better and the second I feel like I'm about to take the final step, something comes along to knock me down again.

So what do I do? I thrown myself into helping a friend who is going through a year similar to my previous one. For just that second, I feel good about myself. I'm doing something. I have no idea if I am actually making a difference, but just being strong enough to worry about someone else feels like an accomplishment. And while helping this friend is helping me, I am worried that maybe I'm not doing him any favors. I can't imagine that advice from the girl who doesn't get out of bed sometimes is actually good advice. But maybe that's not the point? Maybe it's about having fun and getting our problems out there. Maybe it's about making a friend and finding ourselves along the way...

--->Two Worlds Collide<---

So here I am. I'm only weeks away from Thanksgiving. I want nothing more than to spend a few days at home. I want to stay in bed all day and watch Law and Order: SVU reruns with my mom. I want to go home to enjoy a few days of being a kid. Then, I realize I am halfway done with this school year. There are about 5 months left of junior year. Suddenly, I am even more sad.
It's weird. I never thought I would be sad about college flying by, but I am. I have just started to enjoy myself here and I know I complain way more than necessary about being stressed, but I am happy. All my time is devoted to school. I run around like a crazy person, complaining about things that will never matter in the long run. Yet, my friends make me laugh again; it's something I haven't done for a long time. My smile is finally back in its place and I like it that way.
So, I think of graduation. Naturally, I am not good at change. I like the big things in life to stay the same. Sometimes, I pretend that I'm awesome at embracing the unexpected, but I'm not. I can only embrace it if I know I it's coming... which, basically defeats the whole concept of being spontaneous and taking on something new. The little things can keep changing. My day can always be different. I see different people. I do different things. That does not mean my life has actually changed. Yet, I am happy with it. I'm content living in a slightly predictable environment.
I have a year and a half in this place, but I'm constantly thinking about the job I am going to get, the place I am going to move, and the life I am going to create. It's a great life in theory, but I like my life now. While I want to move on, I also want to stay here. I feel like I am a year behind in the college experience process since I let last year pass me by. Right now, I feel like I have so much to do here, and not enough time to do it. For just this minute, I am stuck in the middle of two worlds.

Feeling Sad? Take your Vitamins

After an awesome weekend, the fast-approaching week is almost too much for me. I can't totally explain why this coming Monday seems so much worse than the ones before. Regardless, that's exactly the case. For the first time in a while, I actually wish I could cry. Yet, for some reason, the tears just aren't falling. I feel incredibly alone.

Naturally, I occupied myself with the internet...
My doctors have been telling for a while to take my vitamins. Sometimes, I do. Mostly, I forget. I've been told several times if I take my vitamins, I'll be happier. Strange. But, I figured it would probably be a good idea to look into these calms and decide for myself.

Vitamin B12-

1. Ability to boost ones energy level.
2. Speed up your metabolism.
3. Without vitamin B₁₂, iron is incapable of functioning at its fullest.
4. Helps produce healthy red blood cells.
5. Ensure proper functioning of the brain and nervous system.
6. Contributes to emotional well-being.

Vitamin D-

1. Helps boost mood: Deficiency = Depression.
2. Important factor in immune system support.
3. Contributes to strong bones.
4. Increases mental alertness.
5. Essential for heart health.

Overall, these two vitamins appear to be required for a happy and healthy life. Which means, I will finally start listening my doctors advice.

Requirement of Life: 2

Recently, I've been doing a lot of thinking about what's important and what isn't. I've started to compile a list of things that are absolutely needed if I am going to be happy. They are in no particular order, but the first requirement can be viewed here.

The truth is I make mistakes. We all do. I am so far from perfect that it's not even funny.  Yet, I believe that one of the most important things in the world is being able to apologize. When you hurt someone's feelings, whether on purpose or accident, you should be able to admit that you are wrong. That is exactly what I am going to do right now.
To the boy who broke my heart, I am sorry. It took me some time to heal and forgive you, even after you came back to apologize to me... I am sorry for anything hurtful that I may have said. That was never my intention. Whatever I posted in my entries was more about me than it was about you. I know that it doesn't feel that way, but it was. I needed to get every possible emotion out so that I could move forward. I missed you every single day and I am thankful you are back in my life now. To the boy who broke my heart (but came back to fix it), I love you.

I believe we make mistakes. I believe we are better for having made the mistakes. Most of all, I believe after we make those mistakes, we need to apologize.

...I Write...

Today, I would like to dedicate my entry to all those who are without a voice.
I realize this is slightly bizarre. Yet, for a long time, I was one of them. I allowed my situation to be beat me down so far that I actually forgot I could do something about it. I forgot that what I had to say mattered. I forgot that I had a voice.

To celebrate The National Day on Writing, I'd like to take some time to reflect.
Maybe it's because I am a student or maybe it's because I am an English major... either way, when I hear "writing," I think "papers."  However, that's so far from the case. For me, writing is an outlet. It's a way to escape when the world gets to stressful. Running to my computer and posting a complete bitch-fest entry is what keeps me sane. Writing about my struggles over the last year has made them real, but it's also reminded me that they are over now. Something about the entire process is relaxing. When I am done, I will have created something lasting. My voice, the voice I forgot existed, will be permanent.
When I'm too afraid to speak out loud, I can speak silently on paper and know that I am heard. I write because I don't want to be like every other teenager, running their mouth without actually saying anything. I write because I like watching the words drip from my finger tips. I write because I want my thoughts to be remembered and revisited. I write because I have something  to say.

Before you decide that you don't use writing in this way, consider.
     Times you sent a text message because it was easier to write out than explain.
     Facebook walls you wrote on instead of calling to see how a friend was doing.
     When you emailed your professor because office hours was too much work.
     Goofy notes you passed to your friends when class got a bit too boring.

I believe in the power of what we say when we aren't actually speaking. Sometimes we speak a little louder when we say nothing at all.

Breathe... You're home!

Every now and again, I fall back into that awful place of last year. For the past few days, I've been stuck there. I can't really explain why that is or how I got here. All I know is that my smile hasn't been as bright recently. It's at those times that I really welcome a trip home.
I can't really say what it is about home that makes everything better, but it does. Maybe it's the hug that waits for me at the door, or the amazing meal that clearly took hours to make. It might be the endless jokes and the early bedtimes. Regardless, there is a never-ending feeling of love here, and the second I walk in the door, my stress melts away.

Upon my arrival home, I found this sitting on my bed. I was told to take it back to school as a way to remember how far I've come. I am almost at the top of the staircase now, and it feels so good.

Inspiration

It wasn't that long ago that I watched my life fall apart. It wasn't that long ago that I cried myself to sleep. And, it wasn't that long ago that I realized that it is all over now.
Truth is, I don't know who I'm going to be or where I am going to end up in life. I don't know what I'm going to do when I graduate or where I'm going to live. Yet, the truth is, I know who I am right now and I like it.
To start over, I had to let go of the past. I had to smile even when I wasn't happy. I had to realize that the power to change things was in my hands. To start over, I had to believe in second chances.
I began collecting little reminders. I needed to remember who I had been and where I wanted to go next. I have a file on my computer with pictures and quote. Whenever I felt lost or unsure, I looked at them and determined that the next step wasn't as big as I thought.

I believe all it takes is a little inspiration. With that, we are capable of anything!

Requirement of life: 1

I'm not sure what is going on with me currently. It's like I've totally hit a dry spell when it comes to writing. It's not that I don't have things to say, but I'm seriously lacking the motivation to say them. I literally feel like I am drowning in schoolwork right now and every last bit of energy as gone into catching up. So, I've decided to embrace my laziness...

Tonight is filled with roommate fun, way too much tv, and a lot of sleep. Nothing beats an early night and a lot of laughter. I've found that it is super important to spend just one night a week taking care of myself and giving into completely lazy moods. It's pretty much required if I am to have a happy and healthy life.

Weirdly Beautiful

Last month, I swore that I was going to find the beauty. I really believe that life is only as good as you make it. I have spent far too long worrying, and not enough time enjoying myself. I am halfway done with college. I am so close to being a real person with a real job and a real life. I have two more years before I am no longer a kid. Don't get me wrong, I realize that if I color on the walls, I am far too old to get a timeout or be sent to my room. However, I am not really on my own yet, either. I don't pay for everything I buy, I don't have my own insurance, and I don't have my own home. For these reason, I still consider myself a kid. So before I have to run out and get all responsible, I should probably focus on loving this "care-free child time."
Recently, I have been noticing the beauty of words. Seeing as I already love English, this wasn't all that hard for me. However, I think we take for granted the funny things people say. We forget to laugh; we forget to smile. We get so caught up in our own lives that we don't even stop appreciate the complete ridiculousness of people and their conversations. Here are some snip-its...

• I want to buy a child and have it walk on my back.
• Let's just not be her friend...
• I wish I was a lesbian so I could date her.
• Put on your party pants! It's your birthday!
• If I could date me... It'd be like... perfect!
• I think I'm going to be that "crazy ex-girlfriend." 
• If my husband cries at our wedding, it's off!
• We need to keep me a secret.
• He is a flaming ball of drama!

Now, I realize that I am hardly seeing the world for the actual beauty. However, I would like to think that I am noticing the beauty of the people within the world. When you strip away our strong exteriors, we are all the same. We are all just a little bit weird. And I like it.

Oh, the Irony...

Life does not slow down just because you want it to... In fact, it probably moves faster. This is something that as time goes on, I am determining to be more true. Life does not cut you a break just because you're tired. It does not leave you alone when you are too stressed out to function. I never used to believe in the saying "when it rains, it pours," but it is absolutely the truth. I literally feel like Humpty Dumpty. Every time I start to put myself back together, someone comes and pushes me off the freaking wall!

My academic life has drastically picked up over the last week with two projects, and reading an entire 400 page novel in the next 4 days. This does not include my regular workload, helping organize a water polo tournament on campus, and going to observe at a local high school. On top of that, my social life has gone crazy. Last night, I received a text message from my former boyfriend. He asked if we could work on a friendship. Seeing as my last post was about how exactly one month had passed since we last spoke, I couldn't help but think... "oh, the irony."

At first, I was almost excited. I had lost my best friend in the most abrupt manner, and the thought of having him back actually made me smile. Then, reality set in. I realized exactly what he had put me through. One week before moving back to the scariest place I had ever lived, he left. The most important boy in my life walked out on me because it was easier for him. I can't help but wondering if he even considered what that choice was going to do to me. I spent so much time putting myself out there and trying to make it work, only to be shot down. So, I finally got strong, turned myself around, and started down an alright path.

BAM !@&^#*   He comes back... irony.

Believe in Anything

One month. Exactly one month has passed since I became single. I have decided to take time to look back at how far I have come in that time. Truthfully, I am doing just fine. It surprises me how while I still get sad sometimes, I can pick myself and keep moving. This is not to say that I don't miss the past or wish things could have worked out differently, I do. However, I am finding out how strong I am. I can make it on my own and that is a really good feeling.
Previously, I wrote about living in a black and white world. This experience has taught me the need for the color gray. Sometimes, I am not happy, but I am not sad. I am not tired, but I am not awake. I am not right, but I am not wrong. Sometimes, I am in the middle. Sometimes, I am gray. I have learned that it is okay to just be okay.
I have been taking the time to take care of myself and I have learned a lot on the way, including the following:

• life is too short to waste time being unhappy
• the best way to spend time is with the people you love
• forgiveness is the key to happiness
• living in a little bit of gray is not a bad thing
• smile; happiness is the best revenge
• believe. just believe

"If you do the best you can, things will work out in the long run. It might be the very long run, but they will work out."

As Reality Sets Back In...

I cried today. I cried a big, never-ending stream of tears. I was disappointed in myself today. It has been a while since I cried over my broken heart. All I wanted was a hug. That is what brought me to tears. I was sitting in my room, looking around. I realized where I was now verses where I used to be, and I decided that I wanted a hug. Yet, no one was there to hug me. My family is home and I am at school. At that very second, I felt so alone. It was a new feeling, something that even in the awful house of last year, I never felt. I knew that I was not going through my struggles alone. This time is different. This time, I can't call up the boy and ask for a hug. I have no one to love me when I get lonely. That thought brought me to tears.

Yet, instead of spending the time wishing for a dream that will never come true, I have decided I need to wake up. He is never coming back. He will never be sorry for calling me hopeless or leaving me behind after I opened up about the scariest pieces of my life. There is a very good chance that we will never even speak again. This is something that I need to accept. No matter how much I want to pretend it isn't real, I do not have a choice. This is real.

I need to take the time to remember my own set of "Life Laws" and rule number 1 was to Be Myself and Love Myself. With that, I need to understand that my life has changed. I have changed. At the cost of sounding conceited, I am going to dedicate this post to myself, to the girl I was before and to the girl that I have become.

• I used to be strong. But, my tears are beautiful. My emotions give me a soft side.
• I used to laugh all the time. But, my experiences taught me to take certain things seriously.
• I used to have an opinion about everything. But, I've learned to "go with the flow."
• I used to keep my problems to myself. But, now I know it's okay to trust people.
• I used to wait to be approached. But, I don't want anyone to feel excluded so I move first.
• I used to like myself. But, I've found that I need to love myself.
• I used to think I was happy because I had him. But, I learned I can be happy without him.
• I used to think nothing could touch me. But, I know now that I'm not invincible and it's okay.
• I used to be happy all the time. But, my mood swings make me real.
• I used to believe in getting even. But, I found it's more important to forgive.

Moving on... any way you can.

(Image originally found here. Great blog. Check it out and see more photos.)

Bend OR Snap

"Bend, but don't break." I think the world forces us to be flexible. It is always changing, evolving. This is clearly a very hard concept for me. I like rules, and following the correct processes. I need a rule book for life. But, in a place where everything is changing, it's impossible to make set boundaries to live by.
After watching my life slowly "fall apart," I couldn't understand why things were happening or how to accept them. I wanted someone to follow me around and tell me, "react like this" or "do this" or "say this." I want some incredibly smart person to teach me the proper way to respond or to move on. It amazes me how strong people can be or how much they know when they aren't personally part of the situation. I can tell anyone how to behave or what to think, but the second things happen to me, I completely draw a blank.
Think about it. Your best friend breaks up with their significant other and asks for advice. Obviously, you tell them not to talk following the break up. You plan fun things to do together or ways to take their mind off the recent ending. Now, put yourself in the situation. All you want to do is talk to your significant other, to make it better, get back together. You want the pain to go away regardless of the cost. Yet, the only thing you can do is wait. Whether you fill your time with friends and family or you throw yourself into your work, you have to wait. You have to be ready to move forward long before you actually move on.
See, here is my problem. I am not flexible. I am not good at embracing change. I am not one of the people who can hold it together and keep going. I cry, I complain, I hurt. I break. I do not like when the comfortable and familiar become uncomfortable and unfamiliar. I don't know how to adapt. Currently, I am working very hard to close my eyes and leap into the unknown, ready for whatever is waiting. Realistically, I am probably more like tip-toeing towards it. I am slowly accepting that how things used to be, are no longer how they are. Yet, I am no where near accepting what currently is. The real problem is that I don't know how to bend. All my life, change happened slowly. I was ready for it. I knew when I would change schools and who would be going through it with me. I knew that once I got to college, I would have to study more and socialize less. I had time to prepare for all the major life changes.
Then last year, I stopped being prepared. I did not know that my roommates were going to treat me horribly, or that I would spent most of my year in panic. I had no idea that my best friend and I would have a huge fight. Worst of all, I couldn't imagine my boyfriend no longer standing by my side. My life drastically shifted when I wasn't even looking and by the time I turned around, I didn't recognize what I was seeing. There are still days when I don't even recognize myself.
If only I knew how to bend. If only I knew how to take things in stride or be flexible without warning. This is probably one of the most important things to know in order to have a happy life. Life is always changing. I am always changing. There is nothing that can last exactly as it is for the entirety of life. At some point, you are going to open your eyes and realize that things are different. The best thing to do is bend with them. Otherwise, the changes will break you. 

"Get Well and Move On"

It's been quite a few days since I last posted anything, due to my move back to Ann Arbor. It has actually been the most bizarre experience of my entire life. I decided to make friends with all my neighbors, only to find that my ex-boyfriend's frat brothers live next door.. Awkward! Then, the second they realized I am single, they all took turns individually to pull me aside and hit on me... More Awkward.
Clearly, those neighbors are going to be a bit of a bust so I wandered across the street. At first, they all seemed like super great guys until I found myself in the middle of an intense drug deal. Now, I am not talking about a little weed. No, this was a serious encounter with 'shrooms and a scale and a strange man that no one even knew. Of course, this resulted in a few ground rules. 1. Do not bring your drugs in my presence (no buying, selling, or being high). 2. Do not offer or pressure me in anyway. 3. Respect that I get uncomfortable easily and do not be offended if I leave unexpectedly. As long as I am left out of any situation that I do not feel okay to be in, I think these neighbors will be an alright way to kill a few hours now and then.
I am a completely different person...  If there is one thing that I have learned thus far, it is to keep your heart tucked down a little deeper. We have all been screwed over. Somewhere along the way, we have all been hurt, and hurt badly. I have briefly talked about my story, but today, we'll dig a bit further.
My parents always told me how unbelievably strong I was. I am a pretty small girl, but I could always take care of myself and I needed no one by my side. Then came the day that I fell in love. It was a pretty big deal for a girl like me, but I threw myself completely into the relationship. Like anyone, we had our ups and downs but overall, I was happy. Even in my unfortunate housing situation with "my crazies" (as they became known), I was grateful for something special and worthwhile to fill my life. It was only a few weeks ago when all of that changed.
Obviously, there are two sides to every story and I don't claim to be telling the perfect truth. I think the perfect truth lies somewhere between my version and his. For me, the break up came out of nowhere. We were happy. We argued sometimes, but we loved each other and that was what really mattered. He was my closest friend. He begged me to confide in him, to trust him with my problems, to allow him to help the way my other friends did. And I did. I went to him, confided, and trusted completely. He went to Florida with his family and got busy with vacation things. We hardly talked and I was sad. When he returned, it was over. Not over. Over again. He said he was tired of the problems in my life, tired of dealing with them, tired of being stressed out by me. He said he needed a stress-free year, which meant a year without me to deal with.
People need space and freedom. People also need love and support. So where's the line? When is there too much of one and not enough of the other? Which one of us was right and which one was wrong? According to him, it isn't worth it to sit around and wait for a girl who is never going to be happy again. If you ask me, you never give up on a person, especially if you love them and demand to share their burden. Weeks went by without any communication until I finally needed "the truth." He said he didn't want to toy with me, and he was just done. For me, it's simple: The boy I believed in gave up on me and left.

Really, this means only one thing. It is time to "let it go." 

This is something that I swore I would work on. It is also something that I need to continue to work on. I am far from perfect. I allow things to take me over. Rough times drive me crazy and eat me alive. With the situation described above, this will not be the case. I made a promise to myself that I would forgive him for his hurtful words, but remember him for his kind actions. Even after being informed that I was not worth it anymore, I told him that I was going to forgive. I should not put my time into anger. It needs to be about happiness and overcoming the obstacles in my way. I can't get back any of the time I lose while worrying, being stressed out, or feeling sad. I might be young, but I don't have the time to waste on being unhappy. And I am making changes!

Wicked Wednesday!

I think it is safe to say that at some point or another, we have all felt like this! Each and everyone of us has had our heart broken, toyed with, and played. When a couple breaks up, your own heart goes out to them.. at least, mine does. I have been oversensitive the past few weeks after having my former boyfriend change his mind 3 times about our relationship status, only to arrive back at the original answer of single.
I've always been a bit of a control freak. By that, I mean, I am a big fan of rules. Don't get me wrong, I do not like being told what to do, but I do like knowing is allowed and acceptable. Even more, I like being in control within that confined area. The rules make me feel safe. It has been said that boundaries fence you in, but I like being fenced in. Here I am in my own little world of security, where no one can touch me unless I allow it, and where I can't get in trouble unless I decide to break a rule. I guess it just makes life simple. I can stop worry about the "what if" moments and live... safe within my rule defined space.
See, for me, the world is black and white. Clearly, gray exists but I choose not to exist within that area. It makes no sense to me because it's the space that the rules don't apply. There are no right answers when you're in the gray, just options. That's kind of how breakups are. There is no rule book for how to breakup or move on. The choices are endless. Obviously, some are more mature than others, but the possibility for carrying out one choice over the other is completely equal.
While I am deciding to take a mature route by simply being polite at any encounter but having no contact other than the casual crossing of paths, I couldn't help but plot what my immature side might do. Even though, I will never carry out any part of my plan, it was a huge release to consider. Really, I suggest trying it. (Just don't follow through; you will regret it later)
Basically, I found these awesome cards at a local store. The outside contained the necessary message and the inside simply said, "That's all." How great would it be to deliver one of these every day until you felt better? At the very least, my (no longer) significant other would know how deeply he hurt me.

Check out more card options on their site, "That's all greetings". These were just a few of my favorites! Breaking up is not easy. It's not fun. It's hard to let go of someone who was once important, and even harder to let go of someone who is still important. Sometimes it's not up to you though. Sometimes all you can do is learn to cope and move on, no matter how impossible it seems.

Break the cycle?!

Maybe it's just me, but do you know how sometimes you just feel stuck? Every day, I wake up with the impression that things will be different. Something has changed. So, I get out of bed, take a shower, style my hair a little differently than the day before. Grab something new for breakfast and put on a different outfit. Yet, everything is exactly the same. I am in the same "blah" mood as I wait for the day to drag on long enough before it's a reasonable go to bed. Then I repeat the process all over again. Today, I even went as far as having my hair trimmed because honestly, a fresh cut hair is a good thing. Don't get me wrong, I do a lot in between getting dressed and going to bed. I go to my cousin's play or make cupcakes for a loved ones birthday, or even pack for my return to college... the to-do list never ends. For the first time ever, I am trying to embrace change and nothing's happening. I feel like I am riding one of those stationary bikes, and no matter how hard I peddle, I still don't move. Seriously annoying!

In a rut

Actually, that picture describes my emotion perfectly. Everything around is probably so beautiful, but I'm too busy trying to figure out how to get moving that I don't even notice. Then again, I'm a little sick of this positive thinking junk. I wake up every morning with this great plan for the day, and I end up just going through the motions until tomorrow starts. I'm only days away from moving back to school, and I could seriously use a vacation! How do I possibly break this cycle?!

Sorry this post turned into a total "Bitch-fest." I just feel like I've really hit the wall recently and I need some creative and fun ways to spend the last few days of summer. Ideas?

To Change the World: Change Yourself

In my first post ever, I gave a shout out to a fabulous friend who inspired me to start writing about my journey to self-discovery. Well, this friend is at it again. She has started her own "Happiness Project" and it's really an awesome idea... Check it out here, tinsel*. After exploring her page for a while, I couldn't help but look up the original Happiness Project.
In a sense, I am already working on my own happiness project as I set out to find (or create) myself, but I prefer to think of it as the road to self-discovery. I am working towards becoming the person I want to be and I am beginning to appreciate all the struggles of the past year as they are playing a huge role in the shaping of my character. (I say beginning because there are still some days when I wish I could erase them from my life completely.)
By exploring the two pages posted above, I have figured out my next step...

"Life Laws of a Little Lady"

• Be Myself; Love Myself

First and foremost, I must do the things that make me happy. As long as I am true to the person I am now and the one I hope to become, happiness is inevitable. Life is too short to waste being someone you aren't or doing things that you hate. As long as I am being myself, I am able to love myself. Besides, who can possible love me better than me?!
 

•  Feel what I feel while I'm feeling it

This advice came to me from my high school French teacher. She heard of my struggling year and wrote me a long, and very encouraging letter. This was the piece that caught my eye. The longer I avoid a feeling, the harder it is going to hit me later. It is better to just embrace my current state of being than try to fight it. I can be any emotion... sad, stressed, angry... I feel it and then I am able to move on with the day. There is no nagging feeling in the back of my mind weighing on my good mood. If I am happy, then I am happy. If I'm not, I don't need to pretend.

•  Let it go

Back in high school, I heard the quote, "Every 60 seconds you spend mad or upset is a minute of happiness you can never get back." The less time I spend upset means more time that I am able to spend happy. Besides, everyone makes mistakes, including me. Holding grudges is silly. It gets you no where. If I am slow to anger, but fast to forgive, I am able to get back to happiness that much sooner. There is no reason for me to sweat the small stuff, so I am just going to take a breathe and let it go!

• Take Control

"Life is what you make it."  "Live life to the fullest."  "Have no regrets."  The list goes on and on... Every quote is about the same thing, taking control of your life. After hearing these day in and day out, I have realized that my life is up to me. I can decide to have a meaningful life or a meaningless one. Instead of standing by while things upset me, I have the right to change them; I have the right to take control.

• Have an Open Mind and an Open Heart

Life is always changing. People enter and leave my life at an alarming rate, but that's no reason to shut out the world. Even though things like to go wrong in my life, I can still be open to new possibilities, including love. This directly coincides with "Take Control." After all, life is what you make it and being open to all opportunities is the best way to make worthwhile.

• Find the Beauty

In a world full of stress, the best pick-me-up is finding the beauty. Life is all about the process. Every day, I will continue to grow and learn. I will make new friends, meet new challenges, and learn new lessons. So, I must take a breath and take the world as it comes. When life starts to get me down, I can look around and find a flower, a falling snowflake, or laughing child. It is that easy to remember that the world is a beautiful place.

Expect more on some topics, as it is likely I will share the details of my "Life Laws" further into my self-discovery process.

"...I am something Beautiful"

When I was in eleventh grade, I was given a creative writing assignment to write about something, anything, that I undoubtedly believe. As I sat there thinking, I couldn't come up with a single thing I knew was true for every person regardless of background, race, education, and social class.  I could hardly turn in a paper about how I believed in nothing, so I continued thinking. After putting far too much effort in to this silly assignment, I realized that I believe every person has a lesson to teach. Even after 3 more years of experience, I am still certain that this is true. Here is how I see it.

Our lives are filled with people. Some we know well and some we've just met; maybe even some we wish we'd hadn't met at all. If we take a closer look, perhaps at our best friends, we might see what they bring to the table. My best friend is a ridiculous person. He's always up for anything, full of life and ready to prove the world wrong about him. He is without a doubt one of the most positive parts of my life. Without him, I would hardly know how to be as supportive as I am. I wouldn't know how to set my own judgments aside and give people my full attention when they are in need. Most importantly, I wouldn't know what it meant to love someone unconditionally or to be loved in return.

An other example would be that girl I see everywhere on campus. I don't even know her name. The only thing there is to say is that she is always smiling. Each time I walk by her, she sends a smile in my direction, and once in a while, she will even wave at me. What on earth is this happy girl teaching me? It's about the kindness of strangers. In a world where things are constantly going wrong, I can still count on a few upbeat people to brighten a bad day. If anything, she is teaching me that a smile goes a long way.

Even the boy who broke my heart has taught me several lessons. He showed me how to let people in, to trust and to be open to change. His open arms were always waiting when things started to fall apart, and I know that is a quality that is required to be part of my life. I also learned to rely on myself and my own strength. While it is so wonderful to share your life with someone and I would love to still have that, it is not necessary to be happy. I also know that I am blessed to have had him for as long as I did, and I appreciate the time we shared.

The truth is, though, that not everyone has a positive lesson. Still, it is a lesson all the same. Perhaps, they teach you what you do NOT what to be like or they show qualities that need to be eliminated from your own character. Maybe these people are around to teach us to fill our life with positive light and to be a positive light in the life of someone else.

Regardless of the lesson, everyone brings something to the table. As I am figuring out who I am in the world, I know that I never want to stop giving back. I am grateful for all the people who have been part of my life and given to me. I once heard someone say, "I am a mosaic of all those I have encountered." We take pieces of everyone who has crossed our path and we incorporate them into ourselves. For this reason, the ones we love are always with us, supporting us, and helping us become exactly who we are meant to be.

With a little help from those around me, I am something Beautiful

I will continue to grow and change as I build myself up from my all-time low. With each person, there will be a new lesson, and hopefully, a journey filled with fun as I figure out who I am now.

It's a process

In the past few days, I have been through every emotion known to man. I was devastated, hopeful, forgiving, happy... and everything in the middle. Some days I believe I am moving in the right direction, and other days, it's like I have gone backwards. I struggle to forgive, to move forward. Yet, I am determined to keep going. After losing everything... my confidence, my security, my boyfriend, my best friend... I have no where to go, but up. Happiness is a process. It comes and goes with the seasons. While we do the best to capture it, it slips through our fingers. Instead, all we can do is create our own happiness, which is exactly what I am working to do. It's a new school year, a fresh start. Everything is different, including me. Nothing from the past has to be carried into the future unless I decide that I want it there, and I am only bringing the good things with me.

Forgive... And FORGET!

It's time to forgive. I spent a long time living in a house where I was unwelcome. I spent a long time being hurt by people who I thought cared about me. I spent a long time taking everything personal because for a long time, everything was personal. Yet, it is time to let go. That part of my life is over and while it is very much a part of me, it is does not define me. I went to church for the first time in months and it was surprisingly nice. I had a part in what happened over the last year, whether I care to admit it or not. Still, it is time to move forward. In order to do that, I need to forgive not only all the other people who played a role, but I need to forgive myself. Even more importantly, it's time to forget. Obviously, i will always remember what happened. I can't just erase it from my memory, but the worst thing I can do is re-live my bad experiences over and over. Instead, it is time to start making new memories, which I began immediately. I went to the Rihanna and Kesha concert. It was incredibly fun and rather funny. I laughed at the strange outfits and the ridiculous people. I sang along with the music and danced. By the time it was over, I went home completely exhausted, but I felt good. While I may not have totally forgiven everyone or everything that took place the past year, I am working on it. I know that it is more than okay for me to move on and enjoy life. I also know that there a lot of people who are by my side, ready to enjoy things with me.

Do Anything

After a ridiculous day, today seemed impossible. I didn't want to talk because I wasn't sure I would like what I heard. I didn't want to get up because I didn't think I'd like what I'd see. I wanted to sit on couch and wait for the day to move by. Instead, my sister dragged me away, literally forced me to shower and took me to lunch. It was hardly worth the effort of moving. Yet, I feel better. I feel accomplished. I still cried a bit today and moped around more than necessary, but with my sister's help, the day didn't totally pass me by. I am also realizing that I am in control. I have ups and downs but ultimately how the day goes is my choice. Sometimes it's easy to control and sometimes it takes work. Tears aren't always a bad thing. Crying is a huge release.. of angry, hurt, and sadness. The more I cry, the more I move on. I can literally feel myself letting go. I might need to cry a million more times before I am finally able to let go of all that has happened, but every day, I get closer. I know that happiness is not that far away. All i need to do is find the strong girl I used to be. The rest will fall into place.

Picking up the Pieces

"Every action has consequences."  I'm pretty sure I've heard that at least a hundred times to date. Today, more than ever, I believe it's true. I felt so empowered after talking and opening up that I thought I wanted to keep going. Instead, I've found sometimes you don't want the answers. You want different answers; you want different outcomes. Things don't always work out that way. Sometimes it really is best to just accept the hand you're given and play cards. We all have limits and we all have breaking points. I think I have reached mine. I have been through more than I care to admit, but I swore I had more drive and more determination. By pushing for answers, I pushed myself right over the edge. After about 6 hours of crying, I have decided that pushing yourself higher, harder and farther than you're actually capable of handling is a really stupid idea. You are going to crash.

As I'm sitting here, only a few things come to mind. The main thought is that I am mad. I am so unbelievably and uncontrollably mad. If I was a cartoon, I'm pretty sure my face would be red and steam would be pouring from my ears. I'm mad at myself for allowing so much to beat me down, for losing sight of who I used to be. I am angry with the past roommates for how they treated me and for stealing so much of my confidence. I don't like people in love because I don't have that anymore and they are flashing it in my face. Even more, I am so mad at the people who gave up on me. That part hurts the worst.

Yet, while everything is getting me down, I refuse to let it take me all the way. I keep reminding myself of what I do have. I have a great family who has not stopped supporting me for second. They give up their days to sit with me and help me plan my next step. I have a few very good friends who sit on the phone with me til 4am because I'm too sad to sleep. I am also making the most wonderful friend as become closer through our unfortunate experiences. I am making plans with her and sharing secrets. We cry, we laugh, we complain. For a few moments, it's easy to believe that I am not alone and I will be happy again soon.

I know that I should be so thankful for what I do have and one day, I think I will fully appreciate it. Right now, I am cold, angry, and bitter. So, I guess all I can do is keep searching; and maybe one day, I can forgive the world for dealing me this hand.

Talk. REALLY Talk.

Yesterday I surrounded myself with friends. It was so hard for me because I just wanted to sit and cry. I spent the day catching up with people from school and making plans for the year to come. A piece of me is really looking forward to having some new adventures on campus. An even bigger piece wishes that I didn't have to go on these adventures alone. Either way, I plan to take the city by storm, a surprisingly powerful thought.  As I sat, I not only listened, but talked. I mean, I really talked. Before, I only shared the details of my struggles with a few very close friends and loved ones. Yesterday, I decided that could change. Like I said last time, I am going to change and grow. Accepting my year of never-ending struggle is the first step. It's a part of me, a part of my past, and a part of who I will become. I can either let it beat me down, or I can look it straight in the face and move on. Obviously, this is easier said than done. I just keep telling myself that I cannot change the past, but I do have control of my future. I might not believe yet, but maybe if I hear it enough times, I'll start. It isn't healthy to hold bitter memories, wish and wonder. It's silly. It's been one day since I set out on this journey, but I am already kicking myself for not talking about things a year ago. I guess all I can do is talk and embrace the ease with which the words flow. Who knows, maybe I'll make some great friends along way. One thing is for sure, I am eternally grateful for the people who never left my side. I really do love you all.

Just the Beginning

A good friend of mine said, "Things have changed for me, and that's okay. I'm not the same person that I was last year, last month, or last week even." Those two sentences have never rang so true. And yet, they have inspired me to keep changing. The last year has been anything but easy. Every time I start to move forward, I find another obstacle standing in my way. I lived in a crazy environment, with girls who were way too wild for me. After leaving, I fought with and nearly lost a great friend. Only upon solving that problem was I greeted by a broken heart, and a whole new set of challenges. This is where I currently stand.


So, I am setting out on the road to self-discovery.