The Things You'll Never Understand

After talking with my mom, I've realized that it hurts me more when people try to relate to my battles. It's not that I don't want people to be on my side, I do! It's just that most people do not know what it is like to have anxiety. Here's what I mean... Everyone gets anxious. It's normal. We all feel that nervous excited feeling right before something big is about to happen. Even I know that feeling.

The problem is people know what it is like to get anxious, but that they have no idea what it is like to have anxiety. I believe there is a huge difference here.
Anxiety is crippling. The uncontrollable feeling that your life is crumbling to pieces. Heart racing. Eyes watering. Body shaking. No matter how many times you reassure yourself that everything is okay, the feelings don't stop. This is not a nervous-excited feeling. No, it is a world-ending feeling. Sometimes I think I am literally having a heart attack! Usually I end up calling someone and letting them know that I'm having a panic attack, just in case things don't end well. The truth is when you try to understand me, you are actually reminding me that this is something I am facing alone. Something that unless you've been there, had it happen, you have no idea what it is like.

Today feels like it's going to be one of those days... I've just been kinda jittery. I'm worrying about things that I'm not sure I have any control over. I want to focus on being happy, but instead I find myself a little trapped. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything. I don't really feel much like eating or talking. I know that doing nothing is the worst thing that I can do. Yet, I don't really seem to care. This is just a day that feels like it will be too much. It might be the added stress of the ending semester, or the thought that it is time to grow up. Maybe it is a realization that the life I want for myself could potentially not work out. Somewhere along the way, I lost sight of who I want to become. I'm worrying about finding my way back. I'm worrying about holding on to all the people who are important to me in the process. I'm worrying about having so much of my life change so quickly. Today, I am worrying.

Yet, the only thing I want is for people to love me. I don't want to be understood. I don't want to validated. I don't want to be reminded that others struggle, too. I just wanted to be loved. However, I am scared that might be too much to ask...

The Power and Pain of a Happy Ending

Every so often, I find myself craving books. Literally, I cannot stop thinking about getting caught up in a good story, or looking online for something new to read. I have finally quenched that hunger for a story by reading Matched. If you haven't read it yet, I seriously recommend it. It took me all of 3 days to finish it and I dying for the next book to arrive in the mail.

It is the greatest escape in the world to get caught up in someone else's world. I love falling in love with the characters and watching as their lives unfold. It amazes me that I find myself thinking about these characters as if we are friends, wanting the best to work out. I believe in their happy endings. I think about their situations, imagine what I would do if I was in their shoes, and forget about reality.

The only problem with allowing someone else's story to wash over you is that eventually reality has to set back in. Life is not a book and sometimes, happy endings don't always work out. Reading that last page is the highest high and the hardest fall. More than anything, I wish that my life could work like the a novel, you know, with all that "happily ever after" stuff. I've always said that good things happen for good people. However, I am beginning to second guess myself. Maybe things just happen. Good, bad, neutral. Things just are what they are and there is not a whole lot you can do about it. Still more than anything in the world, I find myself longing to believe in the possibility of good, of happy, of secure.

Proud of Who I Am

I Am

I am broken, but strong.
I wonder when the world will make sense.
I hear the silent screams of the stars.
I see the promise of tomorrow!
I want to make a difference for someone.
I am broken, but strong.

I pretend to be whole all the time.
I feel the softness of a hug.
I touch hearts.
I worry that it's all a lie.
I cry when I finally give in.
I am broken, but strong.

I understand people are inherently good.
I say that everything will work out.
I dream of a happy future.
I try to laugh every day.
I hope there is something worth laughing about.
I am broken, but strong!

Quick Tip: Cut Back on Caffeine

Recently, I have been working very hard to consume less caffeine. It's actually a bit of a challenge considering I am a sleep-deprived college student. I used to survive my classes because of coffee or caffeinated beverages. Without them, I would find myself literally drifting off during a lecture.

However, I've been getting to sleep earlier and not allowing myself to drink much caffeine. I've found that this has drastically decreased my anxiety. Now, I might allow myself one pop per week, but no coffee ever. This seems to be working for me. Obviously, I still get anxious from time to time but nothing like I would when I was drinking coffee regularly.

Here's how it works. Caffeine increases heart rate, which makes you feel more awake. The problem is that this increase can trigger anxiety or panic attacks, especially in people who are already prone to these. You actually don't feel more awake and focused, but more out of control. If you are having a stressful day, adding caffeine to it can actually trigger an anxiety response in your body. Instead of refocusing you, it's throwing you off even more.
If you want to continue with your morning cup of coffee, then okay, too. The important thing is to remember moderation. Don't drink coffee for breakfast, coke for lunch, and tea to relax at night. It's best to lower your consumption and reduce your jitters. There is no reason you can get that same relaxing cup of tea but decaffeinated.

Caffeine is not the only source for anxiety, as even though I don't drink much anymore, I still get anxious. However, I am not having as many panic attacks and they are not as extreme. This is definitely a helpful step in overcoming my anxiety. I totally recommend trying it if you find yourself suffering from frequent anxiety or panic attacks.

Continuing the Fight

It's been a while, but I finally had a panic attack again. I am literally freaking out over things that I know are stupid. The only problem is that I can't stop myself from feeling this way.
Today, I realized that there are two parts of me. The first and most important part is who I really am. The second part is my anxiety. Okay, let me explain. I know that I'm being irrational, but my anxiety does not. The anxiety thinks that it's okay to worry about stupid things, like it's something that it should be doing. However, the person that I am feels differently. I'm worrying about things that make no difference or don't require concern. Even still, knowing that I'm acting irrational does not always allow me to just become rational.

Everyone I know keeps telling me that I'm getting better at controlling my panic attacks or talking myself down from them. I like to believe this, but I'm not entirely sure. It feels like I get worried about being worried in the first place and I only end up making it worse for myself.

Clearly, I have to keep working at this. Sometimes, I hope that by posting all of my struggles, someone else out there will stumble upon my entries and realize that they are not alone. I like to believe that I am not the only one with kind of problem and I really hope that by writing, I am making it easier for another person.

Appreciating Who I Am

Oh, hello anxiety. Welcome back.
It was silly for me to think that I'd rid myself of you, isn't it? I really thought you were gone, and I was kind of looking forward to the chance to be normal. I am pretty sure that was wishful thinking. So I guess it's time for a new approach. One of these days, I swear something better work. I guess I am going to start thinking about all the reasons I am lucky to be anxious. Seeing as you aren't leaving anytime soon, I might as well figure out how I can appreciate you. Instead of letting you define me, I need to decide who I am and why I am grateful for my struggle.
So here it goes...

1. You make me productive. Heaven forbid I put anything off. You'll give me a panic attack. 
2. You make me appreciate my good days. When I'm not stressed or anxious, I know it. 
3. You show me how many people love me. My friends really support me when you get bad.
4. You make me compassionate. I can relate and help others with a new understanding. 
5. You show me how strong I am. There is no room for weakness with you around.

Create your own happiness!

Continuing down this road of happiness, my roommate showed me a very cool video. It was about synthetic happiness. It's a bit bizarre, really, but apparently we can create our own happiness in situations. There isn't really a "better" outcome.

You have a choice, you make it, and you decide that it's irreversible. Knowing that you can't change your mind or go back means that you learn to make the best of the situation, and you eventually grow to be happy with it. The problem is when you can change your mind. This gives you the chance second guess, worry, and wonder. Constantly questioning yourself is what makes you unhappy. No matter what the outcome is, if you cannot change it, you figure out how to make the best out of it.

This was such a strange idea, but I like it. I think this is why I am happy working so hard all the time. I cannot change it. It was just what needs to be done. I am finding ways to enjoy myself and to laugh at the quality of work my students hand in.

Think about it. How many couples break up every day? A lot. How many couples get a divorce every day? Less, for sure. This is because a divorce is irreversible (or much harder to change back). So, you figure out how to fix your problems, make it work, or get by. It's much more difficult to walk away when there are a bunch of legal hoops to jump through. There is a far greater commitment in a marriage. In an average relationship, you can change it. You can break up, get back together, take a break, try again. It seems a lot less final. Yet, it is this ability to change that causes such a problem. You don't have to be happy, because you can just try something else.

Obviously, there are just some things that make us sad. We can't stop feeling sadness. However, we can take that sadness and make the most of it. Decide that if this is how things are, we better just learn to accept it.

With this in mind, I feel a bit more ready for the weeks that lie ahead. I know that I can choose to be happy, to make the best, and to accept my fate.There is no point dwelling over the things I cannot change, so I might as well figure out how to enjoy them.

A Short Lived Victory

For a while, I was considering deleting my blog. I really believed that I had overcome the struggles of my life, that I had grown, that I was ready to face the world again. However, I don't think that is the case. I am wondering what I did to deserve all of the struggles that I've had to face and why more just keep popping up. 

Maybe I have found pieces of myself along the way. Maybe I know some of the things in life that make me happy. And maybe there are still a few things missing. Yet, I still feel like I am far away from where I want to be. I cannot imagine that all of my strength and hard work was for nothing. I know that I am loved and that I have a lot to offer others. I believe that life is so much more beautiful than I am currently seeing it to be.

Even still, yesterday was filled with tears. It was different than many of the times I've cried in the recent past. This time, the tears didn't seem to want to stop. They almost burned my eyes, as if I hadn't been expecting them and they broke free. My face was red, blotchy. I felt paralyzed by life. Nothing seemed to hold any appeal. I wanted to sit around and soak in my sorrows. That feeling has long since left me, or so I thought.

In that moment, I realized that so much is not okay. And so, I once again am setting out on this journey to happiness.

Just an Update

Once upon a time, my life came crashing down. I believe that at age 19, I hit rock bottom. I was literally at my all time low. In the past few years, I have spent my time rebuilding. From where I am right now, I am doing much better. Of course, I still have bad days but they are nothing like they once were. Even more, I am taking time to talk, to help others who are struggling. I am finding that the more I discuss what I went through, the less life-shattering it feels. There is something good coming out of the bad that I've been through.

I'm not sure if I'm totally healed. I think I would be lying to myself if I said that I was. Yet, I feel strong. I believe that helping others has been a way to help myself. A lot of times, I think about how I am going to be a better person because I can relate and understand others.

In no way do I believe that I have life all figured out, but I am starting to get there. I find that most good comes from having gone through bad. Knowing that someone else is hurting less because I was there to talk them through it, or listen when they needed a friend is really a great feeling. Some days, I wish I could do more for people. Other days, I am finding that I am just happy to relax and enjoy my progress. Regardless, I have learned the importance of reaching out to others. In the process, you just might be solving some of your problems.

Take Time to be Kind

In my currently hectic life, I can't help but wonder. What does it mean to live, to be happy? You know, wake up in the morning and spring out of bed, know that today is something worth enjoying, that today is going to be a good day. I try to think of the days that I felt this way and not many come to mind. Perhaps, during these times, I am only living for myself. I'm doing what I need to do and nothing more.

I know that when a younger boy was depending on me each and every day to reassure him, I was awake and ready. I felt that my life had meaning. It had value. He used to call me at all hours and I was there for him, even when my eyes refused to stay open. I felt that I had a bigger purpose. I think that living means doing things for others.

Happiness seems to come to me when I am helping. I like feeling as if I am making a difference for someone. Even if it is only temporary, it is nice to believe that I am making their life a little easier.

If you ever need a pick me up, do something kind. You'll feel so much better about yourself and the type of person you are. It might not solve your problems, but taking care of someone else is a good way to take care of yourself.

Crossroad

I am finding it harder and harder to write these days. I don't know if I am just becoming so busy that I actually don't have time, or if I am starting to grow away from my blog altogether. Truthfully, this makes me both happy and sad. I love writing. I love getting everything out, going back months later and looking at my progress. I love the freedom of saying anything I feel I need to say. I love the different creative outlets it allows for. Yet, I love not needing to write anymore. I love that I'm learning to cope with life in new ways. I love that I have found talking works just as well as writing, and brings me closer to others in the process.

I am aching to write and I am aching to continue life in the way it has been going for the past few weeks (free from blogging). It's interesting to find myself sitting at this crossroad. I never thought that I would be able to give up this piece of my life, but the less I write, the less I find I need to do it.

When I set out on my search for happiness, I knew that it would be a long, hard journey. And, I am still in the process of finding everything I want. Still, life is better. I am stronger. I have learned so much along the way and I have met many wonderful people. My journey is far from over. I am still so young, with tons left to learn. Yet, I think that, at this very second in my life, I won't be updating quite so much. The lessons seems to be coming a little more slowly and I am enjoying where I am a little more completely. I have not given up on writing, or on finding happiness, but I have decided that I need to spend a bit more time appreciating where I am and a little less time analyzing every detail.

Keep Holding On

Transitions are the hardest thing in the world for me. Even more, I find a way to make them worse for myself. Instead of just getting a little nervous and then facing my fears, I get scared because I am feeling scared. My problem is that before, I didn't know it was possible for things not to get better. I always thought that I was scared of the unknown but once it became known, it wouldn't be scary anymore. Now, I realize that not everything has to work that way. Thing don't have to get better. In fact, they could get worse. I guess before I was a little blind to the possibility and now that I can see it, nothing freaks me out more.
I am working so hard to overcome this. My mom and I have spent a lot of time talking about it. She very much believes that because I know things can get worse, I am able to do something before it happens. I like that idea. I've starting to focus on what I can do to make things better.

1. I can go visit my friends
2. I can get some work done
3. I can make a trip home
4. I can play loud music and dance
5. I can take a nap
6. I can go for a walk
7. I can call my parents or sister
8. I can ask for help

I have many options for fighting back against my anxiety. At times, some work better than others. Yet, I know that I have the strongest support system behind me. If I do fall, they will be there to catch me and help me back on my feet. I have made up my mind that transition is not going to beat me. I have been through too much and fought way to hard to let something like moving back to school bring me down. I deserve to have a good year and I am going to do whatever it takes to make that happen for myself.

Staying Strong- While Falling Apart

As my return to school rapidly approaches, I am finding that my anxiety is also returning. I keep reminding myself that college is not a scary place. It's just school. You would think that being someone who loves learning, I would be excited about getting back in the classroom. Yet, I am not. The thought of school makes my heart race, my body shake, and my eyes water. This year, I am trying a new approach-- clearly, the last one did not work out.

It is my goal to control the anxiety before it starts to control me. I am beginning to find that it is easier said than done. The second that I started to feel like I was drowning, I went up north for a few days. I spent most of my time reading, which was a great way to relax. Even more, I have my first weekend of school pretty much planned. I have such a hard time sitting around at school with nothing to do. I plan to spend the first night there, but come home to spend one more weekend with my family before I get too busy.

I am finding that the best way to combat my anxiety is to keep making plans. The more I have to do, the less time I have to worry. It's when I really sit down to think that I find myself having panic attacks. Even with this new strategy, I have had 2 panic attacks this week. It is scaring the hell out of me. I don't feel like I have time to worry about my anxiety on top of school. I just keep telling myself that once I get going, my anxiety will settle down. Sometimes, I believe it.

Out of my entire college experience, I would like to truly enjoy at least one year.

Anxiety: A Traffic Jam, But Not a Dead End

Last night was completely awful. My mom promises that it was from the medicine I've been taking for my wisdom teeth. I'm not so sure. More than anything, I'd like to believe that I was so overly-anxious because I've been taking really strong painkillers for a week, but I just don't know.
I'm an anxious person. I've always been anxious and I will always be anxious. There's not a whole lot I can do about it. This is the hand I was dealt.
Sometimes, I let who I am get the best of me. I let my anxiety eat me alive. I sit by in tears and watch as my life starts to crumble. Truthfully, it's terrifying. This whole process is so horrific. Yet, I know that, deep down, it isn't going to beat me. My mom keeps telling me that I'm the strongest little girl she has ever met, and I believe her. There is so much fight left in me. Of course, there are days that I don't want to fight. I might have to slow down from time to time, but I won't stop. I refuse to give up on my dreams just because life got a little scary.

Anxiety does not, nor will it ever, define the type of person I am or quality of life I live. I have my own set of issues, but so does everyone else. We are all working hard to be the best that we possibly can. Personally, I could not imagine judging someone (or being afraid of them) for being diabetic, having cancer, or needing a cane to walk. So, please don't think less of me just because I worry far too much.

I don't like being this way. I would change it if I could. Yet, this is who I am. It's about time that I start learning to be okay with it.

Get Organized

There is nothing I love more than being organized. My mother would tell you that I'm messy, but I totally disagree. I don't have a place for everything in my room, and I don't always put things away when I am done with them. This is true. Yet, I am organized. I know exactly where everything is or how to find it. This is especially important to me when it comes to school.
I've done nothing for days. I got my wisdom teeth out and I've been completely useless. This is the first day that I am starting to feel better, which means, I am going to take a advantage of it. The first step is to buy a planner. Then, it's time to start chipping away at all the lesson plans I need to write, books I need to read, and worksheets I need to make.

This whole process of growing up is scary. I am finding it really cool that I am going to be in a classroom next semester, where I am actually teaching students. It feels like one step closer to real life! Yet, I can't help but wonder what I am going to do when I graduate? Obviously, I want a teaching job, but do I want to move far away from home? Is that the only option I am going to have? I won't put my life on hold just because I can't get a job in the place I want. I'm much stronger than that.
Still, I can't help but think that once this year ends, my whole life is going to be different. Which takes me back to my original point about being organized. I am a strong believer that if you have things laid out, you have an idea for what is to come. So I am laying out my senior year in hopes that when I get my own classroom, I will have tons of lessons, worksheets, and ideas. They will be sitting there waiting for me to use again.

See, I believe that you need to get your stepping stones ready. You can always stray from your plan, but it's always there if you need it.

Worth it in the End

After being out of town for the past two weeks, it's really great to be home. I love vacations, but living out of a suitcase almost killed me. Between catching planes, sightseeing, and entertaining others, I didn't have much time to relax. I loved California. It's so pretty there and the weather was amazing. Blue skies and sunshine! Then, up north with my family was tons of fun. I haven't played with my little cousins in quite some time. I forgot how much I missed them!

Recently, my stress levels have been sky high. (While it was easy to forget all about it on vacation, coming home to so much work has really made things worse.) I have so much planning I need to get through before school starts and my friends are starting to get on me for not having enough time to see them. Honestly, I am beginning to feel like people are expecting more out of me than I can give.
I am certain that I am about to sound conceited but I'm okay with it right now. I know that I am a good person. I have tons of flaws- stubborn, opinionated, forgetful- but I'm filled with good qualities... I'll stand up for you even if I don't agree with you, I work hard at my friendships, I'm quick to forgive (as long as you are sorry), and I will support you no matter what. It hurts more than anything when people can't give me that same kind of respect. I know that I have things to work on; I'm no where near perfect. Sometimes, I wish that I had more free time to do fun things. Yet, I like who I am now and I like who I am working to become. One day I know that all of my hard work is going to pay off. I like to believe that no matter how hard things get, it will be worth it in the end...

Bring on the Passion!

I am beginning to lack inspiration. It used to be that I walked through each day and my mind filled with endless ideas for my next post. I didn't write consistently but when I finally got the chance to sit down at my computer, I had tons to say. The words poured out of me, releasing every known emotion as they went. Now, I feel almost as if I've run dry.

It's weird, really. My inspiration hasn't just died when it comes to writing. I'm finding that every day activities seem to be lacking as well. I wouldn't say that I'm depressed again. It's a completely different feeling. It's almost as if I'm bored... My daily tasks don't seem to entertain me in the same way that they used to. I'm not excited to go places or see very many people. I feel like my life is lacking passion.

Now, I'm not expecting that someone sweeps me off my feet or forces me to dance in the rain. The people in my life are hardly to blame. Yet, I want something new and exciting. I'm ready to move on to the next stage in my life. As much as I like being a kid, I've outgrown it -- physically and mentally. I'd like to go out with my friends, drink, laugh, try new things.
When it comes to love, I don't want to be scared (him, either). I want to fall into each others' arms and kiss, with no intention of stopping. I want to feel loved for my flaws, not in spite of them. We should take the idea of being "best friends" to the next level -- with heartfelt compliments, love, and laughter.

Maybe it's good that I'm going on vacation for a week. Maybe I just need a break, to come back with a refreshed attitude. Regardless, I'm ready to be swept up in living. I'm ready for a little bit of passion

Because Late at Night, I Cry...

One day, I dream of getting things right. Yet, I find that the harder I try, the harder I fall.

You know how many fun stories you hear about "When I was your age, I did...." Sometimes, I can't help but wonder what kind of stories I am going to tell. I can't imagine that looking back, I'll have great stories about my college experience or the friends I made (but then lost). When I think about how these are supposed to be "the best years of my life", I'm so scared of what is still to come.


My major problem is that I am still so hurt. It has been about a year since I put all of roommate struggles in the past, but for some reason, I can't seem to completely let them go. I don't understand how people can say they are my friends but then give up on me. Or, even worse, use the fact that they helped as a way to gain something in return. I'm beginning to wonder how many people truly care about me and how many just want to benefit off their good deed. I realize that everyone has their own battles, but sometimes it feels like my current fight is never going to end.

Some days, I just want someone to come along and tell me how to make everything alright. Yet, I know better than that. I know that I need to fight my own fight, and make peace with my own devils. Late at night when I get too tired to be strong, I crack and the tears come pouring out. It's at these times that I fight to remind myself that, eventually, I will get things right. I will be happy once more.

Two for One!

Topic One: Such a big fear.
I am getting closer and closer to student teaching. As summer begins to end, I am getting more and more nervous about student teaching. I'm not actually worried about being the classroom. I know that I can handle that part. I've been working hard, learning lots, and practicing speaking in front of groups. No, that's not the problem. I am worried about how much time I am going to have for myself. I am worried that between the lesson planning and grading, I won't have enough time to do the things I love or see the people I want to spend time with. I'm scared to be alone. I know that it is kind of an irrational fear but it's a fear nonetheless.
The problem is that in order to overcome my fear of being alone, I need to be alone. Yet, that means opening myself up to possibly losing some friendships. I think that I'm worried about student teaching because I feel that on top of the added stress from working, I'll be worrying about what I'm missing out on. Even so, I know this is something that I need to do if I am ever going to move forward with my career. With any luck, my friends will love and support me enough to stand by while I work through this time in my life. (But--- sometimes, I'm worried that I've used up all the support my friends had to give...)

Topic Two: Repercussions
Today, I've realized the importance of watching what you say. Sometimes, even a good humored joke can back-fire. I am the type of person who usually knows when I've done something wrong or when I've hurt someone's feelings. After joking with a friend from work, everyone (including the managers) call this boy "snuggle bug". He has a great sense of humor and he jokes right back. I didn't think much of it until he told me that his ex-girlfriend called him that and he was really hurt when they broke up. It doesn't seems to bother him, but I can only imagine how it might feel to hear that all the time if you are still trying to heal. I think this is a pretty decent lesson for me to be learning. Kind intentions don't always matter, because words (jokes included) can hurt.

A Moment of Piece

I needed today. I needed a day where I let go of the world, I let go of my fears, and I just live. I went swimming in my backyard and I went underwater. This sounds incredibly stupid, I know, but I don't go underwater. Ever. I think in the past 3 years, I might have gone underwater 3 times. I don't like how nasty my hair looks and feels when I get out of the pool. So I just float.
Today was different. I literally "took the plunge". Now, I can't say that this will be a regular habit for me, but on this one day, it worked.
Even more, I spent time with someone I have really missed. We laughed, cooked, swam, and talked. If there is one person to whom you have something you want to tell, I say do it. There is nothing more freeing than a deep conversation about the things you are usually too scared to say.
After a day of fun, I almost feel ready to face work once again.

A Pointless Reflection

Here's the truth... Life doesn't always work out the way you want it to, or even expect that it will. I was chatting with a girl from work. As it turns out, we went to high school together. I didn't know her but I knew several people that she had been friends with. Had I known her, I doubt we would have been friends. But, I really like her. I'm glad that I met her in a neutral setting so that we could get to know each other without outside influence. Our conversation eventually lead me to telling her about my awful living experience, as well as some of the things I was forced to endure.

While I was reliving my nightmare of a school year, I realized how few people truly stood by me. Tons of people were there through the fight, but shortly after it ended, they distanced themselves from me. There will always be a special place in my heart for them after all the support the gave me. Yet, the friends I had before my sophomore year and the ones I have now are probably 85% different. Some left for a while and came back. Others pop in and out unexpectedly. So few have faithfully reminded by my side.

As much as it hurts to realize the number of people that I lost, it hurts even more to think that maybe I lost them because I wasn't worth that much effort. Life is full of curve balls and if you can't rely on your friends, it's going to be an extremely lonely fight. Even a few of the friends who decided to stay, bring up how much they helped me. As if I could ever repay them? Nothing will come close to enough after all they've done for me. Not one million thank-yous. Not tons of presents.

I never pictured myself in this situation after the awfulness ended. I never saw myself having to create a whole new group of friends or spending my time trying to repay the few remained. I might have own the battle as I am no longer miserably living in the worst situation imaginable. But, I lost the war. A year has passed since I last engaged with my former housemates, but I still find myself picking up a missed piece now and again.

The only difference is that now I know I can do it. I know that I will make it. Somehow, everything will work itself out. It may not go the way I hope it does, but I am so much stronger. I am able to rebuild my life, even if it means starting over.

Change it up!

Sorry for the long absence. The last week (ish) has been rather hectic. I took my teacher certification exam and after 4 hours of testing, my brain was mush! I'm super happy to have that out of the way though!

Recently, I've been doing a bit of thinking. My summer is far from ideal. I'd like to sit on a beach somewhere and plan for the classes I am teaching in the fall. Instead, I'm working like crazy, taking class, and being stressed out. I know that this will pay off in the long run, but it's really not working for me right now. So, I have decided that enough is enough. I am going to give myself the last month of summer to have the "vacation" that I want. At first, I couldn't justify quitting my summer job but I am young. I have the rest of my life to work. I need to use my summer time wisely. I'd like to travel, visit friends, and create lesson plans. The way I see is that there are a lot of productive ways to use this time; only one of which is working. If I plan now, I'll have more free time during the school year. Plus, once I get a full time job, traveling will be a little more difficult.  Maybe this is just me justifying my decision, or maybe I am actually making the right choice.

Regardless, I believe in doing what is going to make me happy. Complaining is not going to make me happier, but changing up my lifestyle (even just for a short time) will definitely help!

Share Love

How many people in your life don't know your story? I consider myself a pretty open person, and I'm willing to talk about most things. Yet, I have secrets. One thing I believe, without a doubt, is that we will never know the exact battles another person has faced. You can't look down on a person because you would do things differently. It is so easy to judge someone, but if you heard their story, you might change your opinion.

A brief example: I am not a drinker. This is one place that my anxiety really gets the best of me. I worry a lot, about myself and others. Yet, I know there is nothing wrong with having fun with some friends now and then. So, when I am out with a couple of close friends, I drink. I laugh and I get loud. I have to push myself to have fun. I'm sure that people who don't know me judge me for it, but I'm proud of myself when I can overcome this fear.

It would be so easy to look down on me for having a little too much to drink once in a while, but if you knew how hard it was for me to have fun, you might not think so poorly of me. Clearly, this is a small example; it's one that I am comfortable sharing. Yet, every person you meet has a story. Even if you don't know that story, you need to love and respect them. They are making choices that fit their lifestyle. It is the stories that we choose not to tell that really shape us. I believe that every person has one secret that if you knew it, that secret would break your heart. Instead of sharing your judgments, share your love.

It's Time to Live

Disclaimer: When it comes to love, I am scared, bitter, optimistic, and child-like. My opinions don't always match my actions.

Driving home from a fabulous weekend get-away, I heard a song about "the one who got away". I started thinking and it occurred to me that I don't believe in letting one get away. See, I used to want to be that girl. I wanted to steal your heart and disappear into the distance. In my head, it's super romantic to silently love someone from a far.

Yet, the saying "the one who got away" reminds me of another saying: "live life with no regrets." Now, possibly I understand it wrong, but I think I want a couple regrets. I believe in making mistakes more than just getting it right every time. I want to live and learn. I want to look back and know that I tried. I might have failed, but I gave it chance. If you let someone get away, it's easy. It's safe. You don't get hurt. But-- you don't live.
I believe that every bump, bruise, and major wound will make you stronger. When someone cracks your heart in half, you have the chance to rebuild it. You can put it back together in a way that works just a little better than before. Even more, you learn from your mistakes; you know more about life in general. If you let someone get away, well, you don't have that option anymore.

I guess what I'm saying is if you have someone that might get away, chase them. Fight for them, until you know for certain that the fight is over. Even if you get hurt, you can look back and know you tried. And, who knows, it might just end up being worth that fight. Either way, life is far to short to do anything other than live...

Be Grateful

After reviewing my list of Ten Steps to a Happier Lifestyle, I realized that I forgot a truly important step: Be Grateful.

Recently, I have not been grateful. I know that I haven't. I work 5 days a week. The other two days, I was taking a class. My "free time" only exists when I am asleep. My whole body hurts on a regular basis, I live at home for the first time in a year but never see my family, fun things only happen at the cost of not sleeping. This is far from the summer that I had in mind. I'm doing things I need to be doing, but never have time for the things I want to be doing.
So, I am working to change the way I am looking at this summer. It isn't always easy. I am quick to get frustrated when I miss out on something fun, or when my family gets mad that I'm not contributing around the house. Yet, I am constantly reminding myself that by working so much now, I won't need to work during my senior year. When I do find time to catch up with a friend, I enjoy every second of it, and I look forward to late night phone calls that result in lots of giggles.
This is not the way I want to spend my summer. Since this is the way that my summer is going to be spent, I have two choice. I can either be mad, tired, annoyed, and feel sorry for myself OR I can take the few good things, and really appreciate them.

Needless to say, I am trying to appreciate the good things, no matter how few and far between. I am lucky that working hard for 4 months means enjoying 8 work-free months of college. I am lucky that my friends stay up late to laugh with me when I finally get off work. I am lucky that my family tries to work around my schedule so that I can see them now and then.  While, I am unhappy with a lot about this summer, I still have things to appreciate. I believe that finding these small things to be grateful for, even in the midst of a poor situation, will truly contribute to your overall happiness.

Ten Steps to Happy

Once upon a time, I believed in happy ends. Then, I realized that I am only going to be as happy as I make myself. It is up to me. I won't just find myself enjoying a "happy ending" if I don't do what it takes to be happy. Slowly, I have been taking control of my life and using my blog to document my progress. I've come a long way in the past 10 months. While I am still far too young to really plan the rest of my life, I can plan my "right now". I've decided to create a list of ten steps to happiness. They don't go in any particular order, but keeping them in mind will certainly lead to a fuller life.

Ten Steps to a Happier Lifestyle

1. Find one reason to smile everyday
2. Take 5 minutes everyday for yourself
3. Spend time with people you love
4. Look for beautiful things in the world
5. Laugh at yourself
6. Make mistakes
7. Forgive quickly
8. Do things you've never done before
9. Dress nicely (it makes you feel better)
10. Get good sleep and eat well

Take Time to Reflect

Have you ever taken the time to look back over your past relationships, flings, crushes? I mean to really look at them? Chances are, if you are anything like me, you haven't. Sure, I glanced back now and then. I told funny stories or complained about things that I never bothered to tell him that he was "doing wrong". Sometimes, I would even go as far as miss him for a while. That's not what I'm talking about, though. Not even close.

Take a few minutes, hours, or weeks and reflect back on what worked. Even more importantly, reflect back on what didn't work. For every person you've ever been attracted to, ask yourself, "What did I like about this person?" and "What didn't I like about this person?". Then take all of the things you don't like and figure out which ones you cannot live with. Those are the qualities that you need to avoid.
I'm realizing that I don't have a ton of things that I truly can't live with, but the ones on my list have no exception.

• No name-calling or using secrets against each other. Fight fair.
• No hitting, pushing, or throwing things. 
• One parent will be a "stay-at-home" parent until children reach, at least, age 5.
• Open communication. 
• Cannot be controlling. We are both part of the decision process.
• Sharing of responsibilities and burdens.
• Willing (and wanting) to make time for the two of us to be alone.

I believe that a healthy relationship consists of love and understanding. Both people are going to make mistakes, get insecure, and need extra attention from time to time. As long as your relationship is built on mutual understanding and trust, you have nothing to worry about. Love and respect the one you're with, and the rest will work itself out.

The Girl We Love to Hate

Yesterday at work I overheard a six year old girl say, "Mommy, what is with all the big girls wearing those little skirts?"  At first, I giggled to myself. A second later, it pulled me back to the conversation I had had a few nights ago with one of my best friends. She was telling me how annoyed she gets by girls who sell themselves short. Truthfully, I agree.

We've all seen them, the girls with the tiny tops and short skirts. Chances are, at one time, you either wanted to be her or date her. Why?

Sure, from the surface, she looks like she has it all. She's cute, has a great body, she must have a ton of confidence if she's wearing that little number, and she is always dating some star athlete. Have you ever stopped and looked a little closer? Did you take the chance to get to know that girl? Is her life really as perfect as you seem to think?
At the risk of sounding conceited, I have been told that I can have anyone or anything I want. I have flashed a smile once or twice to get my way. Yet, I have never dressed in a way that grabs any extra attention. When it comes down to it, I am happy with who I am. I don't need to show myself off in order to feel pretty. I don't doubt that I'm loved just because every set of eyes isn't on me. I refuse to be seen as some super hot chick walking down the street.

Honestly, it breaks my heart to think that girls feel they must put on this type of show. Part of me, of course, is jealous. This girl is all kinds of popular. The other part of me is sad. The second she breaks up with her boyfriend, she's running into the arms of someone else. She's posting suggestive pictures on facebook, and she's talking trash about the boy that she used to love. I wonder how it is that she ended up this way. She is easily the girl we love to hate.

So I can't help but offer my opinion. Next time you see this girl, love her. More than anything, that's what she needs. She needs to know that she is more than just a hot body. Appreciate her for the person she actually is.
For those of you who have been her, are her, or want to be her-- figure out what it is that will make you happy and chase that dream instead. There is more to life than looking pretty. It won't matter if you had the most boyfriends, had the cutest clothes, or drove the best car.  In the end, you will be far happier if you lived, made mistakes, laughed, and learned.

Story Time!

"What goes around comes around."
"Karma's a bitch."
"Watch out--- it will come back to bite you."

Whether you believe in karma or you don't, we've all heard the quotes about "getting yours". Some of us deserve happiness and feel like we keep getting short changed. Some of us should probably be miserable, but end up smiling non-stop. It's easy to trash talk karma. It's easy to say that life isn't fair. Until recently, I was not a believer in karma. I would have told you that thing don't happen for a reason, they just happen. I would have given thousands of reasons that life was unfair.

After going out with a friend of mine one night, I got to thinking about a conversation we had. She told me a story about our mutual friend. Now, he's the kind of guy that prides himself on getting around (if you know what I mean). He's a great friend but I definitely would never fall for him. Anyway, he has cheated on every girl that he has ever been with. I know this because he openly talks about it at work. He used to think it was funny that he could still pick up girls even though he was in a relationship. What I didn't know was that there is only one girl that he never cheated on. Later, I came to find out that she cheated on him. He doesn't talk about her. Apparently, he let it slip to my friend. He said that he finally knows how it feels. He hasn't had a girlfriend since. I don't know for sure, but I'm guessing it is because he is waiting for a girl who is worth his loyalty. (Or, maybe this is just my hope.)

Regardless, he is a happy guy. He appears to have everything he could want. He is always in a good mood, has tons of friends, and lots of girls. I always wondered if/when he would learn his lesson about the way he treated people as if they were replaceable. I couldn't figure out why he got to be so happy all the time when he had hurt so many people throughout his life. I didn't know that he had been hurt, too. I only saw the suffer of his life. The truth is that life is far more complicated, and even when we look, we don't always see the full picture. Before you jump to conclusions or pass judgments, remember that you do not know the whole story. There is far more going on.

As Plato once said, "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

Bad-Mood Busters!

Bad moods are contagious... And, no one wants to catch yours! It is so easy to get down about something and then walk around pulling everyone down with you. We all do it. I know that I am guilty of this. Yet, I am finding that there are ways to "cure" a bad mood.

Next time you are feeling down, don't snap at everyone within earshot.
Instead, try one of these suggestions!

1. Go to a quiet place and read
2. Take a quick walk around the block
3. Call up a long lost friend and laugh!
4. Turn on your favorite TV show
5. Cheer someone else up
6. Take a cat-nap
7. Blast your music super loud
8. Enjoy a cup of tea
9. Dance, exercise, run-- get moving
10. Remind yourself "Tomorrow is another day!"

There is no reason to let a bad mood eat away at you. As my best friend always says, "Stress is the worst thing you can do to your body."  Taking your stress out on others is a pretty nasty thing to do to your friendships. I believe that there is no reason to suffer from an unnecessary bad mood, and even less of a reason to make others suffer. So skip the snappy comebacks and long winded complaints. Just do something to change it.

And it feels good!

We all have that one big fear... you know, the one that you will do anything to avoid. That fear that you try so hard to pretend doesn't exist, but secretly, you know it's there. For me, that fear is being home alone at night. I won't sleep if no one else is in the house. I really believe that I won't be able to respond to a negative situation quick enough if I am sleeping when it occurs. So, I stay awake when I'm alone.

This weekend changed everything. I had no choice but to be home alone. My family went out of town and I was stuck here due to work. Clearly, the option of staying awake for 3 days didn't exist. I promised myself that I was going to try. Worst case, I could stay with my aunt. The first night consisted of a lot of tears. After that, I was totally fine!

I found fun things to do while I was alone, things that I probably wouldn't have done if my family was home. I played my music really loud, took a bath, slept in far too late. Now, I'm not saying that I enjoy being alone, but I can do it. I survived one of my biggest fears, and it feels good!

Lonely-- Not Alone

Ever have one of those days when you are just dying for a hug? When the only thing you want is to feel another person next to you? When you just need to know that you aren't facing the world alone? This is exactly how I feel right now. I would give anything for someone to come in and tell me that it's okay to get lonely, but that I am not alone.

It's been a long time since I let the tears fall like this. I didn't even realize how sad I was until I noticed that my face was soaking wet. For this one second, I am feeling defeated. I thought that I had conquered my fears, faced my anxiety, and was ready to move on with my life. Now, I am not so sure. The fact that I started crying after only 6 hours alone really worries me. I thought that I was stronger than this. I thought that I could take care of myself. But-- given how I feel right now, maybe I still need someone to help me.

Facing the world alone is a scary thing to do. It is something that I hope I never have to do. I think it is for this reason that I believe so strongly in love. Just knowing that you have someone there to love you, to remind you that you're strong, to help you up when you fall is such a powerful thing. These people come in all different shapes and sizes. They are our friends, brothers, sisters, parents, lovers. Even though I am so lonely right now, I keep reminding myself that I have people who love me. I have people who would do anything to support me. I am lonely, but I am not alone.

This One's for You

An Apology

You say that you're the boss. This is true.
But I am still a person. No more or less than you.
Don't tell me, "It sucks to be you." You have not a clue.
Life will improve if your voice is of a kinder hue.
I'm sorry you suck.

I promise you won't be happy til your confidence is found,
Because, honestly, there is more to life than pushing people around.
Between death or speaking with you, I'll choose to drown.
Yet, you are in charge and so to you, I am bound.
I'm sorry you suck.

Truth is, one day, I will pass you by.
I will be a "somebody" soon, because I'm choosing to fly.
Due to your anger, with you, the suffering will always lie.
You're suck in this hell til the day that you die.
I'm sorry you suck.

And so, I will tell you with this...
This is a goodbye I refuse to blow a kiss,
Because, you are a person that I will never miss.
When you are gone, I promise myself a life of bliss.
I'm sorry you suck.

A Lesson on Love

Once upon a time... And they got married, and the princess lived happily ever after!

Excuse me?! Since when does a girl have to get married in order to find happiness? I used to think that love was all about finding your other half. You had to search and search until you found that one person who completed you. Until that happens, you are left wandering and lonely. I thought that I would only know true happiness when I fell head over heals for a guy and he showed me everything that I was missing. I thought that I was supposed to be his other half, and he was to be mine. I thought that an essential part of me was lacking due to his absence. This view is seriously confused.

Don't get me wrong, I totally believe in love. But, I think that you can only be happy when you're in love if you were already happy before you started falling. There is something to be said for making your own happiness and having your footing within your own life. It's only once you are truly content alone that you are able to share so much more with someone else.

I am speaking from experience. I am a disaster waiting to happen. If something is likely to go wrong, it will happen to me. I am the girl who gets caught doing something that her friends have gotten away with a hundred times, the one that had cops show up at her first party, or is seen out by the person she told that she was sick. The ironies of life have come to define me. Throughout this, I found that I cannot allow my happiness to rest on the shoulders of someone else. With so much of life being left up to chance, counting on another person to keep me feeling happy is a wasted effort. I am single at this time in my life and yet, I am happy. I love the person that I have become. I plan to be a great addition to some lucky guy's life as I hope he will be a great addition to mine. Yet, I am not expecting him to provide me with my sense of self. I am a strong, young woman complete with my own personality. I know that I am worth loving exactly as I am. The right guy will know that, too!

The Power of Words

When I was younger, I didn't like to read. I thought it was stupid to "get lost in a book". I wanted to go out and live my own adventures, not read about someone else's. As I got older, I started to like reading but I was embarrassed to admit it. Now, I am an English major. My goal is to become an English teacher and inspire others to read.
There is something so beautiful about a completely full bookcase. Every story contains a secret. Even when it appears to be totally fictional, the author has planted a piece of himself on the pages. His fears, struggles, or successes are set on display through his characters. Often times, I find myself learning through these fictional friends, putting myself in the story, and gaining a greater insight into the world around me.
Even more than reading, I believe in writing. Whether you write a book, write poetry, blog, keep a journal... it is well worth the time. Writing can be a public or private act. Regardless, it is permanent. Throughout my time blogging, I have found that I can go back to re-read. I remember my experiences as more than just vague memories. The feelings surrounding every post come rushing back to me. At first, I didn't like re-living my struggles, but I realized that by doing so, I will never make the same mistake twice. I learn from myself. I work out every one of my problems by writing and exploring options. I remember where I was before and compare it to where I am now. Whenever I am feeling down, I can turn to my blog as a way to remind myself how far I have come and how proud I am of my struggle.
Yet, writing is more than a telling a story. It is preserving a moment in time. It is a way of allowing someone, whether yourself or others, to hear what you have to say and to really listen. Not everyone has to write. Not everyone has to share a piece of themselves through hidden messages in words. But, for those brave enough to do it, thank you! Likewise, not everyone has to read. Not everyone has to hear the hidden messages. For those who read, thank you for listening!

Anxiety-- As Seen Through My Eyes

For as long as I can remember, people have been telling me to "lighten up", "take a chance", and "Go with the flow". I remember saying, "You have no idea what it's like to be me..." Until recently, no one ever asked what it was like. Until recently, I never had to put it into words. Until recently, I could pretend that I was just like everyone else.

But, I am not like everyone else. I have serious anxiety. It's not like I get a little nervous before a big test or I stress out about keeping up with all my commitments. I'm talking full blown panic attacks... over very small and silly things. These might include spending the night at a friends house, going to a new restaurant, or being home alone.

What does anxiety feel like?

• Racing heart
• Shortness of breath
• Shaky and weak
• Tight stomach (knotted)

What can you do for anxiety?

• Long and slow breathing
• Close your eyes
• Remind yourself it'll be okay
• CHALLENGE IT

 As seen in other posts, I am all about challenging my anxiety. I refuse to let it control me any longer. I have lost far too much time and missed out on far too many opportunities. I believe that it is possible to control anxiety. Every once in a while, it might get the best of me. That's okay. Like I said before, I have serious anxiety. However, I refuse to allow it to define me.

Move the fuck on...

After feeling a bit out of it all week, I stumbled upon this really fabulous quote and it instantly changed my mood. Sometimes all we need is a bit of inspiration to remind us that everything is going to be okay.

You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened... Or, you can leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on.

There are no right answers in life. You can do the best you can to make awesome choices, but sometimes the whole thing goes to hell. When this happens, you have two choices: beat yourself up or move the fuck on. It's time to be strong and start living.

Advice Wanted

My life has changed. I have changed. I will never again be that shy girl in the back of the classroom. I won't wait to be approached. I refuse to hesitate when asking for help. I am determined to use the voice I was given to demand the life I deserve. I stand up for myself. I make my own fun. I take responsibility for my own happiness.

Yet, right now, I am frozen. I'm right in the middle of a cross road. I have two choices: left or right. Either, I let my heart win or I let my protective side take over. Usually, I believe in taking risks when it comes to love. You might fall flat on your face, but those few seconds that you spend in the air are the most thrilling thing you'll ever experience. My problem is that I've been right here before and I already know how bad the landing will hurt.
I am left with one major question: Is it possible to make a relationship seriously work after a significant break up? After watching years of hard work tossed aside in a matter of days, I worry that it's too easy for him to leave when things get hard. Yet, I believe I am worth more than that. I believe he's coming back because he sees it, too. He has said all the right things, and still, I wonder. I don't want that doubt lingering in the back of my mind, always wondering when he's going to walk out again. Is it possible to rebuild that trust and security? Or, is it really better to be safe than sorry?

Don't Dwell-- Change It

I cannot believe how quickly my life is moving. I have one year left in college. While I am pretty happy to have survived, a small part of me is a little sad to see these years slip away. I've been doing a lot of thinking about my past 3 years. The worst realization came over me late last night... I am alone here. If I am lucky, I will keep 3 friends from college. It's not that I don't want to keep in touch with more, but I just don't see it happening. Each year, I pop into a new group of friends and when the school year ends, I pop right back out. It doesn't even feel like my choice, more that is how things have been working for me. I find things to love about each group, but still, they don't seem to become a permanent piece of my life. This is my biggest regret.

So instead of complaining about how my life never seems to work out the way I want, I am going to do something about it. I have decided to make a bucket list for my senior year. I plan to fill it with the things that I must do before I leave Ann Arbor. Here are a couple...

1. Go to every museum on campus
2. Have a picnic in the arb
3. Paint in the graffiti alley 
4. Go to a comedy club
5. See a school production
6. Attend another drag show
7. Go ice skating at Yost
8. Pull an all-nighter to play with friends
9. Host a party
10. Take tons of pictures

(Suggestions are always welcome)

It's Time to Let Life In

My last week in Ann Arbor will be nothing but fun. My goal is to laugh and play as much as possible. I am celebrating a successful school year. Grades are kind of irrelevant to me right now. More, I am celebrating my successes as a person. I suffered an insane amount last year and built myself back up from nothing. I watched as my whole world crumbled to the ground, but I kept moving forward. Still, I wonder what people think when they hear my story. The problem is that it was a secret for so long that I actually don't know how to do the tale justice. Looking back on a previous post, I noticed that I had written...

"My scars are very real. They are hidden far beneath my skin, in places you will never be able to see. But, they are there and they hurt."

With every passing day, those scars are healing. They will never disappear completely but soon enough, I know that they won't be a battle. I am learning that I am the only one who is going to lose if I block out the world. It is for this reason that I am forcing myself to step out of my comfort zone. When I think about the last couple weeks, I have done some really cool things. I went to a drag queen show, sang karaoke, played trivia. If I am learning anything right now, it is that life is only as great as you make it. Until I figure out how to be happy with myself, no one else is ever going to be happy with me. I know I have a lot to offer the world... it's just a matter of figuring out what it is.

Fight For Me

Today is the first time I've been home in at least a month or so. My sister played a song for me that she heard on the radio. She said that it reminded her of me.

But I'm telling myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days,
I get a little bit stronger.

We talked for a while about how far I've come in the past couple months. I told her that I am still really sad about losing so many important people. I am beginning to wonder why every person tells me, "You deserve better. You deserve to be happy" right before they let me down. Yet, I know I'm stronger now. Those words don't make me cry anymore. Instead, I think to myself, "Yes, I do deserve to be happy... and I will be." The fact that I manage to get up every morning, smile, laugh, go out with my friends, and take chances says that I will be okay. My life is slowly falling back into place and I know it. I am still struggling to decide if I truly want to move forward or if I want to keep fighting. Either way, I know that I want to be someone worth fighting for.

A Million Unanswered Questions

I believe in forgiveness. I believe in making mistakes and learning from them. I believe in moving forward. Recently, I have found myself hurt in ways that I don't understand. So many people have walked out of my life and so few of them have walked back in. I wonder how I managed to get myself in this situation. I wonder what I did to deserve losing so many great people. I wonder how to make it all okay again. Yet, I know that I am growing from this.

So here's my question... When is it time to let go? When should you count your losses?

 I used to tell myself that it was okay to not be okay. I used to think that I was struggling so that I could learn to be the strength during someone else's struggle. I used to think that something better was coming my way. Now, I don't know. I want to keep fighting. I want to keep pushing through. But, I don't know how much more fight I have left in me. I am trying to decide if it is time to walk into the next phase of my life. Let go of the past.
Yet, I don't want to. I was happy. I liked the stage I was before. Is that enough? Does that mean that I should wait it out? Or should I keep going forward? What is the right choice? What is best for me?

I want happiness. I want to smile. I want to laugh. I want to love. When will that happen again for me?

Say, "Yes!'

Last night, I went out to a formal. At first, I wasn't so sure that I would have fun. I didn't know very many people and I actually didn't know my date that well, either. However, it turned out to be a great time. I made a few new friends and danced a lot. It was a beautiful night on the Detroit River. As much fun as I had at the formal, I loved looking around at the water. It reminded me of being home.

This was the greatest thing I have done for myself in a long time. It wasn't just going out with my friends and enjoying myself. It was more. I finally said "Yes" to an opportunity! I did something unexpected and out of the ordinary. It was a huge deal.

Word of Advice

“Look at you. You’re young. And you’re scared. Why are you so scared? Stop being paralyzed. Stop swallowing your words. Stop caring what other people think. Wear what you want. Say what you want. Listen to the music you want to listen to. Play it loud as fuck and dance to it. Go out for a drive at midnight and forget that you have school the next day. Stop waiting for Friday. Live now. Do it now. Take risks. Tell secrets. This life is yours. When are you going to realize that you can do whatever you the hell want?”

Stumbled upon this quote today. I feel like it's a sign. Normally, I don't believe in signs, but it's kind of like this was written to me. Let me tell you, I've definitely stopped living for Friday. Matter of fact, I've started living for myself. I recommend that you do the same. Go out and do something crazy. Trust me, it is worth it.

You Cannot Control Me

I prided myself on being blunt, up front, and "in your face". I believed that I would never let another person push me around, tell me what to do, or break me. After all I've been through, I am trying to bury my heart down deep enough that it will never be shattered again.

I have been spending my last few weeks of school searching for happiness... searching for myself. I go out with my friends every Thursday. It is the most fun I've had all year. I've met some decent people along the way and I've started to put myself out there again. So far, I have found that the fastest way right out of my life is to try to control me. There is nothing that I hate more than being told what to do, who I'm allowed to hang out with, and when I am supposed to respond to a text message. This is my deal-breaker. I am a smart, mature, kind young lady. I will love and respect you, but I ask that you give me the same in return. The second that you take away my choices, I will already be halfway out the door.

We all have our "thing", our insecurity, our fear. Mine is clearly the fear of losing my voice, and by default, myself. Whether it comes to my friendships or my relationships, I will not allow someone to take control of my life for me. There is no reason to force myself to deal with unnecessary stress of fighting to be heard. I tell myself on a daily basis that I am something worth having around and I deserve to be surrounded by people to see that about me. My life is slowly climbing back uphill now that I am demanding the treatment that I deserve. So, here is what I am saying... find your "thing". Figure out what is the one thing that you cannot live with and don't. Remove it from your life.

Inspired by Your 1 Deal-Breaker

Beautifully Broken

Chipped paint coming off a wall.
A shattered mirror on the bathroom floor.
The picture that fell off the night stand.

Upon first glance, these items all appear to be trash. Something worthless to be tossed to the side. Yet, they are not. Like most things, these broken items tell a story. Maybe it is only a short tale or maybe a much longer novel. Regardless, they have something to say. As I look around, examine my life from all angles, I realize that I am much like these broken beauties. The paint chips are tears, the mirror represents my heart, and the fallen picture is the piece of me that is left behind in a hurry.

So, I have to ask myself, "I am happy with the person I've become?" At first, my answer is no. I cry, I'm still mad, I was rejected, I worry too much. Yet, these are not the only things that define me. I love with my whole heart, I give more than I take, I laugh and smile regularly, and I care so deeply.

My scars are very real. They are hidden far beneath my skin, in places you will never be able to see. But, they are there and they hurt. Even still, I know that I am better for having suffered. I am better for having lost. I am better for having lived. I would never change my scars. I don't want to erase them. They are a part of me, and they are beautiful.

Perhaps now, I am looking for a purpose. I want to help others so they won't need to suffer alone, the way I did. I want my voice to reach them, to remind them that things will be okay one day. Sometimes, I wonder if my blog is my way of helping people. Secretly, I hope others read this and learn a little about how to make their own lives better (but I fear it is not the case). I want to fight for someone else in the way that I wish someone would have fought for me. I want to be that constant reminder that, "You are beautiful."

My Biggest Fear

My biggest fear is that I have become submissive.
I worry after spending a year without a voice, I've forgotten how to use mine.
I'm afraid if I don't protect myself, no one will.

My friends used to tell me that they wanted to be like me because I stood up for myself. No one could ever push me around. No one could hurt me. I wouldn't let anyone have that kind of power over me.
Now, the girl I used to be is a million miles away, and I don't know how to find her. I have become something completely new. I am not okay with it. Maybe I changed because I lived with emotionally abusive girls. Or, maybe it was because I gave up my own voice in exchange for what was best in my relationship. Possibly, I lost my voice due to my own insecurities. Whatever the reason, I am submissive and it's not okay.

Please Hear Me...

I don't know how to bring myself back to the girl I was before. I don't know how to love myself enough that I am willing to fight for me. I don't know how to put myself first and be okay with it.

So, my next goal- continuing along the lines of self confidence- is to put my needs first and be okay with it. I deserve to be heard just as much as anyone.

Self-Esteem Boosters

After so much pain, I am working to repair the places of myself that were broken. My self-esteem took the biggest hit of all. When I think about the number of people who have walked out of my life, I can't help but cry. I wonder what I did to deserve so much hurt. I wonder when it will stop. I wonder when I will be allowed to be happy again.
In order to move on, I am making myself better; one step at a time.

How to Boost Self-Esteem

• Honor your Feelings

We have emotions built into us. We feel happy, sad, hurt, angry, confused, etc. for a reason. The best thing you can do is honor how you are feeling. There is nothing right or wrong about how you feel. It just is. So, you take time to be sad when you need it and you go out when you're ready to enjoy your smile. Only you can tell you what is right and what you need. Listen to yourself; you give the best advice.

• Laugh

At some point in your life, I am sure you've heard the quote "Laughter is the best medicine." If I have learned anything, it is this. The best way to turn around a bad day is to laugh. Find something that makes you so happy, you actually cannot stay upset. Smile, laugh, and realize that you have a far greater purpose to your life than to being upset.

• Recognize your Successes

Just because every day isn't filled with huge accomplishments does not mean that you haven't done something worth recognizing. For me, every single time I overcome my anxiety, I succeed. When I get up and go to class, when I do my homework, when I make a friend laugh, when I give good advice, I succeed. Realizing this means realizing you have more to offer.

• Appreciate your Faults and Failures

No one is perfect. No one does anything right all the time. Yet, our failures are beautiful. They make us who we are. There is not another person on this planet who is exactly like me. I am the only one who can be me. I am the only one who is made this way and I am perfect just how I am.

• Give yourself "You-Time"

Life moves fast. It's messy. Stop running all the time. Take a day off now and then to take care of yourself. After all, you need to feel your best if you are going to live up to your full potential.

To My Friends- I love you!

Having a love-life is a wonderful thing. I was blessed with a pretty good love-life for about 2 years. After it up and walked away without warning, I have been trying to focus on the other things I am blessed with. Often, I describe myself as being 20% of a whole person. I lost the majority of my friends, along with the person I gave the majority of my free time. If I had to guess, I would say that 80% of my life is different. Notice that I said different. It's not a bad thing, it's just different.  While it hurts to know that the boy gave up on me, it is okay. He deserves happiness just as much as I do.

Throughout my healing process, one thing hasn't changed. I have a couple of the most amazing friends in the world. For a while, I doubted them. We didn't spend a lot of time together and I worried it was because they didn't care. I could not have been more wrong. The second that I needed them, they were there. Even people, I didn't know where my friends came to support me. Every Thursday night, I go out with my Education friends. There is nothing that I look forward to more and it gets me through the week.
Yesterday, I was having a bit of anxiety and my Education best friend called to remind me that I'm not alone. She hardly knows my story but somehow she knew just what to say. I am finding that whenever I start to doubt myself, there is also someone there to push me forward. The new group of people that I have been surrounded by is proving to be an amazing addition to my life.

My college best friend hasn't left my side since the day I met her. I thought I would have scared her off by now, but she is always finding new ways to amaze me. One day, I hope to be able to pay her back for all the love and support she has shown me.

Having such wonderful people in my life reminds me that my life is wonderful. I might have a lot of problems and a few unfinished battles, but I have a lot going for me. Rather than counting my struggles, I am going to start counting my blessings.

To the amazing friends who have stuck by me through this process, I love you.

Raise Your Standards

Don't give me that... If you're dating a ______ (hockey star, swimmer, frat boy, etc.) raise your glass. If not, raise your standards.... bullshit.

I love people with high standards. I love being one of them and I love chasing the guy who has them. Yes, I am actually telling you to have high expectations and to hold people to them. I can't tell you how many times I've heard, "oh, gosh... lower your standards or you won't have anyone." Here is the problem: I don't want just anyone! I want an amazing someone. The way I see it is a guy (or girl) who loves you should want to hold himself up to a higher level for you; just like you need to hold yourself up to that higher level for him.

What are the top 5 things you cannot be happy without? I think that like most people, you have a couple deal breakers. The real issue is when you step back and look at your deal breakers, they are not harsh enough. You probably make it too easy to date you. You might still be settling, even for the guy who has lived up to all your "so-called" standards. Are you going to leave him because he has glasses or because he yells at you in public? Does is matter if he's under six feet or that he thinks it's cute to ignore your calls? Okay, so those are pretty obvious. But-- How many of us want a nice, romantic guy? I do! Except, is a romantic guy good enough for you? Shouldn't you want a guy who loves you unconditionally? The point is that even though we think we have standards, they often don't require that we actually get what we deserve. The man who is willing to step up to the challenge, now that's a man worth keeping.

Top 5 Things I Cannot Live Without

1. Unconditional Love
2. Respect
3. Loyalty
4. Making the Relationship a Priority
5. No Lies (Trust and Honesty)

So Many Tears

For the first time in a long time, I cried. The tears have been falling since last night and they don't appear to be stopping anytime soon. All I can think is that I honestly hope he is happier now because otherwise I don't think it's worth me feeling this way. There have been so many times that I wanted to call him or tell him that I miss him. Then, I realize that those feelings won't be returned and it hurts so much more.

Sometimes, I wonder what I did wrong. I wonder what I did to lose him. I wonder why I'm not allowed to be happy when everyone else is.

Sometimes, I just hurt too much to be strong.

Get Out of Your Own Way

There is something to be said for trusting yourself. With my anxiety, I struggle with this. The problem is that I can't always tell when my instincts are screaming, "NO!" or my anxiety is getting the best of me. I have started creating personal goals for myself. I want to challenge my anxiety while holding on to my instincts. It has been a pretty bizarre process but I'm liking it. I push myself to step out of my comfort zone and see that the world is not going to come to an end. As long as I stop standing in my own way, I have a great time.
I realized how important this was for me when I spent weeks debating if I was capable of going to Florida for a week with my friends. Normally, this isn't a hard choice. I thought it was a hard decision because of my anxiety. I tried so hard to get myself to say, "yes". Yet, no matter what I did, I couldn't make that choice and I ended up turning down the trip.
As it turns out, it was not my anxiety preventing me but my instincts. One week before the trip, my (former) boyfriend left. I realized later that it wasn't because I was anxious about traveling. Although, I usually get anxious about going places. I couldn't say, "yes" because a deeper part of me knew the trip wasn't going to work out so well. If I would have ignored that little voice, the trip could have been a total mess.
So how exactly am I challenging my anxiety? I'm not big into parties. I like a small group setting much more. Yet, I've been taking every chance I get to go out with my friends. I've been to several bars and a couple parties. As long as I'm surrounded with great people, I have a good time. I am also hanging out with my roommates more. It's my goal to create a bond with each one of the girls I live with. I have been making so many more friends and I am finding that I am getting happier. While the wild life will never be my first choice, I'm learning to enjoy myself in all types of situations.

I am Blessed with a Sister

   Sometimes, I get so swept up in life that I forget to be thankful. It never fails that my sister is the one who brings me back to reality. She does it in a way that melts my heart and breaks down every single one of my defenses. And-- you know what? I love it.
   Yesterday was one of those days where she completely caught me off guard. I was supposed to go to the shooting range with one of her friends. He never called. She asked if I was upset, but I said that over the past year, I've learned not to get my hopes up. When it happens, it's great, but when it doesn't, it's not a big deal. That's what she did it... She told me, "I'm so mad at him. I know that he doesn't know your story, but he is just one more person who has let you down. You really didn't need another broken promise." She spent the rest of the day making it up to me (which she did not need to do).

Why am I telling you this?
   There is nothing greater than the people who love us. Regardless of whether you're single, taken, married, divorced... you know the kind of love I am talking about. It's not over the top, nothing too showy. It's simple, honest, and never-ending. It's not given and taken back; once it's there, it stays forever.
    I am blessed with a sister. She is honestly my best friend and my greatest support. When all else fails, I know that I can count on her. This is what we should all be focusing on-- the good things in life. I know, quite well, how rough life can be. Yet, spending all my time caught up in everything that's going wrong, leaves no room to be happy or feel loved. Sometimes, it's not about being strong. Cry when you need it. Ask for help when you feel weak. Hold a friend's hand for support. And-- remember to count your blessings.

How to be Single

I am realizing that after all this time... the majority of my college career.... I don't know how to be single. I have spent the past couple years putting someone else's needs before my own. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. I chose to come second. It seemed far more important to make sure he was happy. So I dropped what I was doing to see him when he asked, I surprised him with weird little goodies, or I sent mush-ball text messages for no reason. These were all things that I wanted to be doing, because his happiness mattered more than my own. Even after all that, he left me. Now, I don't know how to come first in my life.
So once again, I am creating a list. It is time to take control.

All the things Single-Life has to Offer.
     1. Say "yes" to opportunities
If you've ever been in a relationship, I am sure you can agree that you turned down an opportunity because your significant other wouldn't like it. If you are anything like me, you'd ask yourself, "How would I feel if he did this?" Now, you don't have to ask yourself that question. If you want to try something new, go out to dinner with an old friend, or hit up the bar... do it. Put yourself out there and have fun!

     2. Invest in yourself
What is it that you like to do? Who would you like to become? This is the time to find out. Join clubs, sports, or spend time with friends. You should be figuring out everything there is to know about yourself now. This way when the right person comes along, you will be ready. You'll know who you are and where you stand.

     3. Build better friendships
In my opinion, this is the best thing you can do for yourself. Work towards happy and healthy relationships. Consider this practice for when the right person comes your way. You will know how to work together, compromise, laugh, talk, and disagree. Surround yourself with fabulous people and feel fabulous!

     4. Flirt
Go out. Have fun. Meet people. In no way am I suggesting that you lead on everyone you meet, but remember that it's okay to put yourself out there. Even if it leads no where, who doesn't enjoy having a bit of fun and feeling good in the process.

     5. Answer only to yourself
This ties into every other option listed above. When you go out, when you agree to try something new, or when you laugh with your friends, remember that the decision is yours. It is about doing whatever you need to do to make yourself happy. How you decide to live your life is up to you.

Common Mistakes that Love Birds Make!

As you all know, I just got out of a long-term relationship (one that I hoped would have no ending in sight). It has been just over a week of singleness and I'm really learning a lot about love. Read my The Must-Haves! when it comes to a solid relationship. It's a pretty short list, but includes showing your love and being open to hearing each other out. And-- Don't worry about my future boyfriend. I promise to give him all the same things in return. Right now, however, I am determined to figure out where I went wrong in my previous relationship.

Here are some relationship problems and how to solve them. They seem like common sense, but after looking over this list, I think I could benefit from this advice just as much as the next guy! After all, every relationship is bound to hit a couple bumps here and there, but it's best to know the plan of attack ahead of time.

• Talk it out.

It is okay to get heated, angry, and emotional. Matter of fact, I think it's a good thing. It shows that you care about something. The problem is when you refuse to hear the other side, or you simply don't make time to talk about it. If you let it simmer now, you will explode later. If you must, actually schedule time to talk, perhaps over a nice dinner. Set the mood before hand. If you decide to be calm and rational, you both win.

• Limit the demands.

If something is really important to you, of course you can ask that your partner be there to share it with you. This doesn't mean that you demand to spend all free time together or get super clingy when you go out. You both need to be individual people and have aspects of your lives that are separate. It is crucial that you are both emotion supports for each other, not emotional burdens.

• Control jealousy.

Every single time someone is nice to your partner, it does not mean they are interested in more than friendship. Realize that you might be overreacting and work on understanding that in a healthy relationship, you can trust the person you are with. Remember, it is okay to approach your partner to ask for a little reassurance now and then.

• Face changes together.

Life is going to move forward, change, and adapt. You need to be willing to work through the new stages of life as one. You have to not only be aware of what is best for you, but what is best for your partner. This might mean that you are willing to compromise. As long as you remember to face the world as a team, you both win.

• Make your love life a priority!!

Like most couples, you probably have a million cute stories about when you started dating. I bet they have become few and far between as the relationship went on. This is because we put our best foot forward in the beginning. Then we get lazy as time goes on. Do cute things to remind your partner that you are still in love. Make time to pop in and say hi to them at work or give random compliments. If your partner really matters, show them on a regular basis that you care.

Most of all, LOVE YOURSELF!

Happy 6 Months!

Just over 6 months ago, I started blogging. I played with the idea for a long time and wondered what direction I would take my blog. At one point, it was going to be the place I wrote about all the crazy things I did to my roommates. How often do you hear the side of the "crazy" roommate? It's always the stories about her, but never from her. Instead, I just moved out. Then, I thought that maybe I would write some type of advice page. It hit me right at that moment that I was in no place to give advice because I was clearly the one who needed to get it.

I finally decided that I would use my blog as a way to find myself. I went back over the previous 6 months of posts and I noticed a few things about who I am and how I have changed. To really understand, let's consider the ironies that make up my life.
1. My former boyfriend broke up with me twice, exactly 6 months apart (down to the day).
2. Moving back to school for my junior year was scarier than when I moved freshman year. I had more friends at school before I attended than I did at the start of junior year.
3. Every time I post something happy on my blog, it is quickly followed by a moment of devastation. My "tough-girl" attitude is always short-lived. Re-read a few posts if you don't believe me.
4. My 21 birthday was one of the saddest weeks I have had in a long time (and by far, my saddest of birthdays). I said goodbye to my most admired professor. His memorial was the day after I turned 21.

So, why celebrate the last 6 months?

I have had my heart broken non-stop for the past year. All sorts of people have betrayed me. Many have left my life altogether. I will never be the innocent, overly-trusting girl I once was. Yet, I am stronger than I was 6 months ago. Every day, I find it to be a little more true that I cannot let my happiness rest on the shoulders of someone else. Just as anyone else does, I deserve to be happy. I have the right to smile, laugh, dance, and fall in love.